He said to me, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I have been a bad person.”
I answered that he hadn’t been, that it was okay because he was so sick and that I understood.
He repeated, “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I have not been a good person. I don’t wanna go like this.”
It took me a minute to determine what he was getting at as I continued to assure him that I understood. I asked him questions to make sure all of his faculties were intact: Do you know where you are? What’s the date today? Who’s the President of the US? He answered all of the questions correctly, and continued to apologize for being so awful.
“I have never been a good person,” he states. “I tried hard, but it just never felt as if I did enough, or if what I did made a difference. And now here I am, and I don’t think I’m gonna make it.”
It’s amazing how the feeling that you’re dying can cause one to confess. You don’t care to whom you confess to, just that you get it out before you go. Although most patients that I have encountered have not passed after confessing, I am sad to say that I have had a few that have.
I can’t say what exactly goes through one’s mind when they are in such a state that they feel as if they are going to die, or when they feel as if they just know that they are going to die. I know many who say that they will take certain secrets to their grave, never letting anyone know, but there are few that feel an urgent need to confess and tell someone, anyone who will listen to their deepest, darkest secrets as if keeping them inside will prevent them from getting to the Promised Land. As a nurse, I have been (un)fortunate to have heard a few.
From who they loved, or did not love enough. What they did, to what they should not have done. What they wish they had said, or didn’t say. Or just a wish to have their hand held because they are alone and don’t want to go while they are alone. It makes me wonder … what will you confess when you believe it’s your turn to meet your maker? Better yet … what will I confess when I believe that it’s my turn … ???
In my line of work, the telephone is constantly ringing. Constantly. In healthcare, it is inevitable because we must be in constant contact with various departments to keep our department running smoothly. Although, there is a Unit Clerk to answer the phone most of the time, this is not always the case. Those that know me, know that for the most part, I despise talking on the phone. Unfortunately, I cannot let the phone just ring and ring and ring all the while hoping someone else will pick it up and answer it. That would be considered poor customer service and we can’t have that as we actually want our “customers” (i.e. patients) to come back.
It’s busy in my little ER. Busy is an understatement, but it’s manageable. For some reason the night feels “off” kilter. Patients are acting strange, the lobby is full, complaints are weird … So when the phone rings I should know better than to pick it up …
Me: Emergency Department, this is Row.
Surfer Dude Voice On The Other End: Ah. Um. Yeah. Uh. Well, um I got a ride home from my buddies. And, um, they were like hotboxing in the car with the windows rolled all the way up. And. I’m not sure what kind of marijuana it was and I didn’t even want to do it.
Me: Okay. What can I help you with? (Thinking: get to the point already.)
Surfer Dude: Um, yeah, and when I got home, I really had to use the bathroom and when I did, I touched myself there and felt a huge bump.
Me: (In my best “I’m concerned” voice) You felt a bump where?
Surfer Dude: Um, down there. You know, on my testicle. It’s huge and I know it’s from the marijuana smoke.
Me: I’m gonna put you on hold for a moment while I get you a number for the advice nurse.
At this point, I put Surfer Dude on hold I am now laughing uncontrollably and I know I shouldn’t. I know he’s concerned. I know he is a person and deserves to be treated like one. But it’s too funny and he doesn’t know that he has made my night. So I compose myself and continue on …
Me: Sir, the number for our advice nurse is 123-4567. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to give you any advice over the phone (like go have some milk and cookies and call your doctor on Monday).
Surfer Dude: Um. Yeah. Okay. Do you think I’ll be okay?
Me: I know you’ll be okay. Call the advice nurse and if you really think that you need to be seen in the ER, we will be happy to help you.
Surfer Dude: Yeah. Okay. Thanks.
Sometimes, I wish I didn’t have to tighten my filter at work and could just say what I *really* feel and think. The conversation would have been a little more interesting. This dude seriously made my crazy night a little better though.
Surfer Dude, whoever you are, get better, get rides home from people who aren’t trying to get stoned, pick “clean” partners, and thank you for the laugh. I needed that!
1/1/10 Our first run of 2010 - Resolutions Run, Auburn, CA
In all honesty, for Mac and I, it started as a goal to join Half Fanatics. We had run a half together last August 2009, and we were virtually training together, keeping each other in check, sharing our training schedules, websites, what worked for us, etc. We were sitting and chatting via FaceBook one night bouncing ideas off each other when I casually blurted out that we needed to join Half Fanatics, and I asked if she thought that we could do it? Three halfs in three months … was this something possible for us? Oh yeah, we decided that it was, and began planning and came up with our the three half marathons that we would run. In the midst of all this planning, I’m not sure exactly who’s idea it was (I believe that it was Mac’s), we decided why just three, why not make it a half EVERY month? And so there you have it … the seed was planted, and we went to work plotting out the logistics and calculating costs. Here is the list of what we came up with and ran for 2010:
For January we decided to run the Auburn Resolutions Run on January 1st – to start our year off right! It was not a half because we only ran 10 miles, but it was a great start our year.
Feb 2010 - Kaiser Half Marathon, San Francisco, CA.
February – The Kaiser Permanente Half Marathon in San Francisco, CA.
March - Shamrock n' Half, Sacramento, CA.
March – Shamrock N’ Half Marathon, Sacramento, CA.
Artichoke Half, Pescadero, CA. April 2010.
April – The Tsunami HalfArtichoke Half Marathon, Pescadero, CA.
American River Parkway Half, Sacramento, CA. May 2010.
May – American River Parkway Half Marathon, Sacramento, CA.
See Jane Run, Alameda, CA. June 2010,
June – See Jane Run, Alameda, CA.
Our first tutu run - Hernia Hills, July 2010.
July – The Half From HellHernia Hills Half Marathon, Vallecito, CA.
Modesto Midnight, August 2010.
August – Modesto Midnight Half Marathon, Modesto, CA.
Fall Showdown, Sept. 2010.
September – Wolf Pack Events, Fall Showdown, SanPablo, CA. This was our very first trail run and we absolutely LOVED it!!!
October – Nike Womens Marathon, San Francisco, CA. We actually wanted this to be our FULL marathon, but for Mac, injury took it down to a half for her, while I ran the full.
Dirty Girls ...
October – Merrill Down and Dirty Mud Run, Folsom, CA. This was not a half, rather a 10K trail run with obstacles. It was something that we did together!
Mile 9 of Stockton's Inaugural Half.
November – Inaugural Stockton Half Marathon, Stockton, CA.
December – C.I.M. Relay Challenge, Sacramento, CA. We were Team MiniRow and The MACHine. Mac ran legs 1 and 2, while I ran legs 3 and 4!
We could not believe that we were actually crazy enough to set this goal, let alone achieve it. Yet here we are … still standing … and smiling. We both had our share of injuries, and frustrations, yet we both gutted it all out, ran thru whatever aches and pains we were experiencing, and did it. We know that others run full marathons or half marathons EVERY week. Our goal pales in comparison, yet it’s large for us because here we are: Full-time Health Care workers, wives, and mothers. We have actual lives. Running is not our lives, it is a big part of our lives, but we don’t let it run our lives. Taking the time out to train, then to actually run the races was big for us.
Training was done mostly on our own as we both live about a good 1.5 hours away from each other. Although we both had people we could run with, we learned quickly that these individuals were not always reliable, so most of our running was alone. Keeping track of each other was done by mostly by text and Facebook. This was a must to keep each other motivated. We could tell when one was waning and needed a fire lit underneath (mostly me, I am not ashamed to admit, as Mac is very self-motivated). We were very good about holding each other accountable. We shared tips. We shared websites. Recommended nutrition – Gu vs. Gels, etc. We included our husbands in races when possible. When one of us was down, the other would motivate and prod gently. But we ALWAYS had fun. ALWAYS! We knew that if the time came that it was no longer fun, then we would reconsider. We NEVER reconsidered. We took breaks when we needed them, but jumped back on the band wagon quickly as the “need” to run was never that far away.
All in all, I have to say that it has been a very good year for MiniRow and The MACHine! 2010 was a great year for running for both of us as we hit some pretty high mileage months during training. We learned much about resting when we need to because injuries suck. We have both spent time in Physical Therapy. We have spent countless dollars on race fees, race gear, shoes, outfits, food, hotels, insurance co-pays, etc., However, we would not trade it in for anything. Through it all we have bonded and developed a great friendship. Our ending to our 2010 season could not have ended any better than by the two of us being chosen and receiving Inaugural Endorphin Dudette Status!!! (Read about that here.)
To our families – thank you for allowing us the time to train; for putting up with our antsy-ness when we really needed to get out there and run it out; for allowing us to use our hard earned money to pay for race fees, buy expensive shoes, outfits, gadgets, gear, and what-nots. Thank you for allowing us to take the time (away from you) to run races all over Northern California. Thank you for watching the kiddos.
To our friends: Thank you for putting up with us. For listening to our stories and shop talk of running. For encouraging us, and for reminding us that there is life outside of our insane madness to run. Thank you for running with us when possible.
If only others could be so lucky as to find their ideal running mate. I know that I could not have asked or have been blessed with a better one! I look forward to an even better 2011 Running Season.
Mac, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being not only my running partner, but my friend, my confidant, my cheerleader, my pace-setter, my Co-Endorphin Dudette! I love you, Mac! See you in 2011!
Our last run of 2010 - CIM Relay Challenge, Sacramento, CA. Also sportin' our Endorphin Dudette status headbands!!!
Endorphin Dude is a persona created by our FaceBook friend, Tony Nguyen. He tells the story that in 2009 on April Fool’s Day, he believed that he was having what he thought was a heart attack, and quickly decided then to make some serious life changes, one of which included walking, which eventually led to running. He dubbed himself Endorphin Dude because he says that when he runs, he “feels like a superhero!”
Tony is a Half-Fanatic, and a Marathon Maniac. I cannot count the number of 5Ks, 10Ks, half-marathons, or full marathons Tony has participated and run in. Just know that it is an outrageous amount. It is an amount that Mac and I are envious of because we always long to run in so many more races than we do.
We became friends with Tony via FaceBook in early summer when he befriended Mac as he saw that she was also a Half-Fanatic. We followed him, exchanged banter, motivated each other, and are slowly getting to know him as time passes. We have been trying to find a race that we can meet Tony in real life (IRL), however we have not yet had the opportunity or pleasure to do so.
In mid-November, Mac and I were contacted by Tony via FaceBook email, in which he wrote the following:
“I created the Endorphin Dude persona because I want to show people that running a marathon or a half marathon is fun! I am very proud that I have inspired many people to get out there and make healthy changes in their lives, and now I want to conquer the world! I am expanding the Endorphin Dude Empire. I am introducing Endorphin Dudettes. Every month, I will feature a powerful endorphin-filled dudette to spread the word fitness, fun, positivity. The Endorphin Dudette will respresent the Endorphin Empire at a race in which Endorphin Dude will not be running. For the month of December, I would really like you two to be my E-Dudettes. You two will be the first! If you’re up for it, let me know. I have pink head bands for you. I would love to see you sport them at CIM while I’m in Vegas!”
Needless to say, Mac and I were bothe very thrilled and honored to have been chosen FIRST by Tony, out of all of the other runner friends that he has IRL and on FaceBook, many of which he has known for quite some time. Longer than the two of us. We were both “IN,” of course. Inaugural Endorphin Dudettes? Oh, hell yeah! We have admired Endorphin Dude from the get go – his love and passion for our sport of running, his infectious smile, his boundless energy, and his cape and headband! Endorphin Dude emboides the sport and encourages others to “join the revolution.”
We were to make our inaugural appearance as Endorphin Dudettes at the California International Marathon (CIM), where Mac and I would run the relay as a team of 2. We dubbed ourselves Team MiniRow and The MACHine. Tony sent out our headbands with instructions to keep quiet until his official announcement after our race. On race day, Mac and I dressed and wore our Endorphin Dudette headbands with pride. Everyone at CIM could see our pink headbands as we ran through the streets of Sacramento!
At times we wondered why we were chosen ad the very first Endorphin Dudettes. The answer came shortly as we read the caption to our picture which was posted on the Endorphin Dude FaceBook Fan Page:
“So many beautiful dudettes applied for December that I ended up choosing more than one incredible super woman to represent the Endorphin Empire! Please meet Row.Wallen and Machelle Crist Donahoo. These two definitely exemplify the true essence of the Endorphin Dudette. I love that they run together and finish together. Their enthusiam and love for the sport makes me want to put on my Mizunos and run a marathon! Congratulations Row and Machelle on your CIM finishes. You two ROCK!”
What an honor to have been chosen first!!! You can imagine how proud Mac and I were for Tony to have done this for us. Mac and I also run for the love of the sport. True, it keeps us in great shape, but to be honest we run because we love it. We encourage our friends to run. We do our best to motivate others in our sport. Most importantly, we run because it’s fun. It keeps us happy and sane, and looking HOT!
Thank you, Tony – Endorphin Dude, for gracing us with this honor! We will forever embody the spirit of Endorphin Dudette and keep it alive within us!
You can read more about Tony Nguyen and Endorphin Dude by clicking the above link. Endorphin Dude also has a blog, which you can read here.
As defined by Dictionary.com, Inspiring is a verb that means: To fill with an animating, quickening, or exalting influence. To influence or impel. To produce or arouse (a feeling, thought, etc.).
I have never really considered or seen myself as an inspiring individual. I look in the mirror and I see someone who’s “plain” and “average.” Not really two words that would describe someone who is inspiring, so it seems a little puzzling to me that so many would see me as “inspiring.” When I hear people tell me this, I have to look a little harder in the mirror to attempt to see what they see that I have such difficulty seeing. Hearing it makes me so uncomfortable.
It would be different if it was just one individual who said something, but when it’s several, I really have to stop and wonder, “What is it that makes ME, average, Plain Jane Row., inspiring? Are they serious?”
When I told to my friend, Suzanne, that I was frustrated with my less than stellar performance at NWM, she was quick to remind me that, “Not only did you run for the third year in a row, but you motivated me, my sister Judy and Cory to start running as well. That’s quite an accomplishment. You are our rock, stop beating yourself up.” I was so blown away and floored by her comment that I cried! (I never cry.) It was that powerful. Up until that very moment, I did not realize that I had that much of an impact of anyone.
Then I started thinking. Then I *really* began listening … and I heard …
“I wish I had your motivation, Row Row!” From my friend Mandy S.
“You are my idol,” says my friend Kelly S.
“If you stop running, I will be sad because I will never get to run with you. Plus you are a rockstar!!!” This is from my friend Victoria.
“Row, you have no idea that you are the one that motivated me to start running again. Meanwhile, 11 lbs lighter? I’m feeling great! Thanks. YOU made me make myself better.” This is from my friend Mikey M., who trains in Krav Maga with me, and works out with me at the dojo we belong to.
My friend and my FAVORITE trainer, Scott, calls me, “Badass!”
My friend, Janice, told me that she loves my FaceBook pics because she said that, “Your pics embody the picture of fitness and happiness. It’s a great mix!”
Melissa, an old co-worker, was feeling out of sorts. I had inspired her to run and even purchase a bike, but life got in the way and she fell off the band wagon. When I saw her at C.I.M., she told me that our friend Cory looked awesome and that she was jealous because she knew, “It’s all you, Row. Your enthusiasm for running and working out rubs off on everyone. You do that to people.”
Memri, one of my old workout buddies, called me out of the blue one afternoon and told me that she wants ME to help her train for a half marathon. Me. She told me that I was the only one she knew who was consistent and that would actually help her.
And my beautiful friend, Cory, she told me yesterday that she is ready to run a FULL marathon and asked if I would train with her! What? Yep … so we are planning to run CIM next year! Wow!
There’s more out there, and every one of them makes me feel good, they make me feel proud, and I smile. I never
Age Group WINNER!!! Wolf Pack Events - Fall Showdown Half 2010.
knew that I needed to hear these things about me. The thing is, though, is that I am not anyone special, so far from extraordinary. I am your average, everyday woman. I am a mother, wife, Registered Nurse, runner, gym rat. I have not discovered the cure for some God awful disease. I have a tendency to be whiny, needy, bitchy, moody. I have not won any awards for being the fastest. Oh, wait, I take that back … I have won a race for my age group once and that was truly a great feeling! But otherwise I don’t see myself as anything special. I am just someone doing what I love. I work hard, and I play hard.
When I hear people tell me that I have motivated or inspired them, it makes me feel proud that I was able to do that for them. I believe that life and some of the things that we do are difficult and that we could all use a little help to get through and to work a little harder, move a little faster, etc. I’m the obnoxious one in cardio or spin class that will yell out a little motivation from across the room. I do it for my kids when they’re out on the baseball field – just to wake them up a little, or to get them to refocus. What happens is that I only tell people what I would want to hear for myself: “Focus!” “You can do it.” “You’re doing a great job.” “You’re lookin’ good.” “You’re awesome.” “Com’mon, you got this.” “Come run with me.” “Dig deep.” “Breathe it out.” Whatever it takes to keep someone going, I will do my best to get them to come with me because I know how it feels, and because it helps me get through it also. To be honest, hearing that I have done something to help another makes me want to do it more often, and it makes me want to work harder. It’s nice to know that people notice and pay attention. It’s nice to know that I can make people feel good about themselves. I do my best to see the good, positive side of everything and every person. I believe that we can get thru things better when we have someone beside us rooting for us, and helping us along the way.
I have always believed that I just do what I love, and I want others to do the same. It’s amazing that by just me, being me I have been able to light a spark in someone. I will continue to do so – to yell out motivation to anyone and everyone. Why? Because I know what it feels like to need a lift. Because it is a very AMAZING feeling to see a poster with your name on it, while the person who made it cheers you and shouts encouragement as you run past! Because I know what it feels like to feel as if you can’t do one more push-up/jump squat/burpee/mile or whatever, then I hear someone tell me that I can … and all of a sudden I CAN do MORE than I ever believed that I could at that moment. Because my Coach @speedysasquatch reminds me that, “I CAN!” Because as I have said, I believe that paying it forward not only helps that who I am trying to help, but it helps me, too, and God knows that we could all use a little help from each other! Oh … and it makes me feel a little bit like a superhero in disguise … MiniRowRow in stealth mode – sans cape and cool colorful spandex clothing!
My Signature "Shaka" @ CIM Relay!
We CAN do this. Together we can get through whatever it is we are trying to get through! I will do whatever I can to help you, to remind you that, “You’ve. Got. This!” Let’s goooooo … !!!
Running Code 3 