Christmas Letter Musings

We’ve all done it now and again … Wished you had what another has. Not covet, just wished. I won’t lie. I am ashamed that I have done it more times than I care to admit. Logically, I know that it’s that I shouldn’t, but I still can’t help myself … I see something that someone has and wish that I had one/it also. (Sigh.)

Yeah, I know, I know. Like I said, I can’t help myself sometimes.

Women who don’t have to work, who have all this leisure time to do whatever they want, who have husbands who give them whatever they want, with their perfect appearances, perfect, smart children, expensive cars, perfect bodies, clean houses. My friends that I workout with with their seemingly perfect athletic bodies, who can run for miles, lift enormous amounts of weight, eat whatever they want.

I know … I know that their lives are not as perfect as they seem. I know that appearances presented on the outside are NOT always as they appear on the inside, or as they appear once their front doors are shut. I know that. I know that people lie. I know that sometimes those women with their perfect little lives are not perfect. I know that those athletes who seem to pose endless energy and speed and power, were not always as they were. I know because I’ve had the misfortune to see the other side of some things that I once believed were perfect.  I know this, but I still can’t help but wish … just for a fleeting second, wish. It’s just so different when you’re on the outside trying to look in. The story is not always the same.

Here’s something else that I know … I know that at times, people look at me and think the same thing. I know that there are others out there that covet, or rather wish they had what I have. I can’t help but smirk when I think of that. My life is FAR from perfect, yet there are those out there who believe that it is. I have to say that I do have a blessed life. My family is amazing. I have a great husband. My kids are healthy, funny, and I love them oh so much. I have an education – two Bachelor’s Degrees, a bunch of certifications. I have a good career. I can take care of myself and my family. I have a nice body – not perfect, but rather a work in progress.

I have no idea WHY I’m blogging about such a thing as coveting and envy. I think it’s because I found one of those “Christmas Letters.” You know, the ones that people send out at Christmas time that chronicles the highlights of their year? It made me ask, even though I know what the answer is, “Is her life really that perfect?” I got slightly envious as I reread the letter and I had to laugh because I know that if I ever sent one of those out, it would have to be full of my family’s life’s trials and our comical follies. It would be a positive letter, but written in such a way that you’d know that my family is far from perfect, but we’re doing well and that we’re blessed and happy. It made me think about my life today and how it could be better, but also how it could be WORSE. I do not want for anything. I lead a blessed life and maybe I’m just writing to remind myself of that … and to thank God for everything that I have been blessed with.

There’s really nothing wrong with a little pang of envy now and again. There’s nothing wrong with coveting as long as it’s fleeting and not acted upon. It’s when jealousy and greed step in that the problems arise. We should be happy with what we have been given. There is always room for improvement, so if you don’t like something, change it. If that’s not possible, do your best to change the way you think about it. It’s all about perception. Seriously … Listen, it’s not your circumstances or your situation that determines if you’re happy or successful, or whatever, but rather, it’s your perception, your mindset that determines if you are happy or successful.

I leave you with one of my favorite quotes by

Wayne Dyer. He always said that, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change.” When I first heard that, I remember what a powerful impact that it had on me. I wish you all a life that is blessed and happy. Remember that we’re not all supposed to be the same, that we’re all programmed differently, that we were all placed on this Earth for a different purpose. Let’s do more work to keep our own homes and family intact, rather than worrying about what the Joneses are doing and trying to keep up with them. We’re all gonna make it out of here, but until then, let’s do the best to help each other out.

Starting Over

12 hours post injury. Thank God for my knee sleeve!
12 hours post injury. Thank God for my knee sleeve!

It’s been 2 weeks days today … Exactly 2 weeks ago I had surgery to repair the knee that I had injured in a fluke. 12 days …

I had been waiting for that day for what seemed like F O R E V E R … So when that day came and went, it was a HUGE relief. It was also a pretty 012uneventful day. The only “complication” to my surgery was the reshuffling and a slight scramble to make sure someone would be home to meet my daughter when she got off the bus, as my original scheduled surgery at 0845, was pushed back to 1230. Easy fix, my oldest son would be able to help us.

This gown is sooooo NOT me!
This gown is sooooo NOT me!

From the time that I arrived, I was greeted with kindness. The Admissions Representative verified my information and my identity. Chris was given a run down of the patient tracking monitor and it’s miscellaneous color codes to determine where he could find me. The Tech who roomed me was funny. My Nurse was calming. I found that we knew many of the same people and worked in the same places. Although she missed my IV on the first try, I didn’t hold it against her – things happen, what can I say? It was interesting to be on the “other” side of the gurney – to be the patient rather than the nurse. The anesthesiologist made a brief appearance – I’ve worked with him before and his demeanor put me at ease immediately. He reminded me that all would be well. Lastly, my surgeon waltzed in to have a few last minute words with me. We discussed repairing my meniscus and making sure that should my ACL need repair as well, that he would repair it versus bringing me in for another surgery. After that, it was a matter of meeting the nurse who would wheel me into surgery, and the rest is pretty much history. I seriously don’t remember much after that. Actually, I don’t remember anything at all because they loaded me up with some Versed and I was a gonner! I’m pretty much a light weight when it comes to benzos and narcotics – doesn’t take much to put me out.

My husband says that he barely had enough time to grab a coffee when they were paging him to let him know that my surgery was completed and that I was in recovery. 20 minutes he said. 20 minutes. All that, repaired in 20 minutes. BooYah!

Bye Bye, Blue.
Bye Bye, Blue.
3 days post-op.
3 days post-op.

So here I am … 2 weeks post op … My husband pretty much kept me loaded around the clock on my pain meds for the first two days. His reasoning was that I’d move around more if I were pain free. I used crutches for the first 2 days, but really I was good to go afterwards and just progressed from a limp to now a slight limp. I had my first workout a couple days ago when I decided that enough was enough and and I had my Noah bring my spin bike in … my goal was 30 minutes. I made it to 27 minutes when my knee started to pop slightly right around that time, and, although I really wanted to finish out the 30 mins, I thought better of it and stopped where I was. Add in some sit-ups, then some 3 x 30 sec and 1 x 60 sec plank holds, and 20 minutes of hula hoops and I was pretty happy that I’m making my way back.

As hard as it is to start over, to start from the beginning and build up … I’ll say this … at least I CAN start over. At least I have this opportunity to start over. At least I CAN begin again, and build myself into a STRONGER machine. I would NOT wish an injury on anyone. This experience of being injured and sidelined has really taught me that I would not be a good invalid. I as not my best at all while injured – my behavior was shameful and dramatic to a point. I am much too active and love working out too much to have been down for just the short amount of time that I was out. I found out a lot about myself that I really didn’t like, things not worth remembering much less repeating. I was too anxious and too depressed. So unlike me.

I’m really looking forward to getting back into FULL OUT Beast Mode training, and running. I returned to work yesterday, and I get the stitches taken out on Friday. I have an appointment to see my Physical Therapist next week. I’m really looking forward to seeing Todd because I know that although I’m my knee is healing up well, it’s inside my head that I have the most issues. I’m afraid of re-injuring myself, and I know that I’ll baby it and possibly hinder my recovery because I’ll be afraid. Going to Physical Therapy and seeing Todd will help me “get out of my head” and help me heal mentally which is what I really, really need.

Get ready for more exciting posts as I crawl out of the abyss and I train code 3 beast mode … Train HARD. Train SMART. Eat WELL. And most of all have FUN!!!

Dark

Darkness

Allowing one to hide in the shadows

Black

Moonlight

Monsters, Werewolves, Bats

Where Evil lurks beside me, inside me

When one should sleep but cannot . . .

Tired eyes wide open, searching unable to find what one is looking for

Thoughts run amuck and freely

Reaching but not touching

Screaming silently within or is it silent

False awakening back into reality

Only to find that one is still in the abyss of one’s darkness