Keeping My Head Screwed On Straight

Over the last few weeks, I’ve had a lot of realizations.  Well, that’s partly true … what I’ve really had were wake up calls.  Realizations, wake up calls, same thing.  My head hasn’t been screwed on straight – it’s been bobbling and at times hanging on by a mere thread.  That’s crazy, because I keep thinking that if I could just run like a chicken with its head cut off, then there would really be no problem.

I think too much … that is my problem.  I’ve been told by my husband, and countless people that I just think too much.  Things that should be easy and mundane, I end up over-thinking and screwing it all up!  I’m one of those people who are wound up pretty tight ’cause I get myself all worked up over nothing.  I sit here and try to control everything, when in reality, I can’t because it’s impossible.  And some days, with all that’s floating in my head, I can’t think … because I can’t focus … because I’m worried about too many things!

I try … I really try to just let go … but even so, I still have some hold of the reins just not so tightly.  Truth be told, it’s when I’m not thinking that things work out best, but no matter how many times I tell myself that, I don’t remember.  I forget and worry myself to death.

As my marathon training comes to a close (kind of, I’ll still be training, just not for a marathon) and the actual marathon comes to reality, my thoughts jump from one thing to another.   I wonder if the goals and expectations that I set for myself are too high.  I worry that I won’t finish in a “decent” time.  I think that I’ll look “slow” to everyone.  I wonder why I even signed up for another marathon.  I ask my self, “What am I trying to prove?”  I worry about injuries, dehydration, nutrition.  Did I put enough miles in?  Did I train enough?  Will my shoes and inserts fail me?  All these swirling questions, making me dizzy, driving me crazy!!!  If I ever needed a Calgon moment, it’s now!

I have been working frantically to get my head screwed on straight, using every kind of screw, nail, brace, and glue to do so.   I’ve been mostly worried about looking stupid and making a fool out of myself, when what I should be doing is praising myself and giving myself lots of props for even having the courage to run a marathon.  I am reminded that the race is not against others, the “real” race is within myself.  I am only racing against myself.   There are only a handful of people who truly care, and everyone else could care less about how I do, or how fast I finish.  At the end of the race, I will receive the very same medal that all of the other finishers receive. 

I know that I’m not the only one out there worrying and making a mountain out of a molehill.  I’ve come so far, and I have trained and worked so hard.  In my head, I know that I can do this.  In my heart, I believe that it’s possible.  But right now those moments are fickle – they come, stay for awhile, then they disappear, then I panic, calm myself down, and start all over.  I feel almost bipolar, riding an emotional roller coaster!  Aaaagggh!  For now, I sit tight, meditate, take some deep breaths and just believe … I breathe in faith, and exhale fear …

I am thankful to the individuals who have taken the time out to listen to me whine, and help me to set my head straight.  My hubby who listens to me as I allow the craziest of thoughts to escape from my mouth, who assures me that I’m going to be okay, and who believes in me wholeheartedly.   I’m thankful to my Coach @speedysasquatch who reminds me that he can help me expose my running talent, who gives me my plan and holds me accountable for my training.  My Twitter posse  and my running peeps who help keep me reeled in, and help squash the self-doubt, and help me to see ME! 

Two and half weeks left … one last long run, then it’s taper time …

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