How Exactly Did I End Up Here Again?

It happens to me more often than not … I wake up and I ask myself, “Now, how exactly did I end up here again?”

It’s not a bad thing.  I just believe that time flies by me so quickly most days that I don’t have much time to recover from one day to the next.  I see the days turn into weeks, which turn into months, then into years.  I look into the eyes of my children and wonder since when did I start having to look up to see them, when did they get old enough to be teenagers in high school or college?  I look in the mirror and realize with horror that I’ve aged – a new wrinkle here, a few more grey hairs there … Wow!

Other times, wonder how I got here because I know that although I am healthy and strong in body and know that I could probably live forever, my mind has not always been as strong and has wavered in the past.  There was a time when I didn’t care and just wanted to die.  If you don’t know my story, and you’ve just come on board on the Row. Boat, you wouldn’t know that part of my life, and you don’t really need to know that part of me.  I’m pretty open about it if you ask me though, and I’ll tell you that my first suicidal attempt was at the age of 8, believe it or not.  Yes, you read that correctly, it’s not a typo … I did type in the number 8 … EIGHT.  I know, it’s selfish of me to have even entertained the thought when so many people want nothing more than to live, or to even have just a little piece of what I have been so lucky to have been blessed with.

Looking at me now, you can’t tell; you would never know.  My life is perfectly normal, and I am happy.  Truly happy.  I’m married to a really great guy who knows all of my little quirks and idiosyncrasies and still loves me unconditionally.  He is the love of my life.   I can honestly say that he has been my lifesaver, my bouy. Together we have weathered some crazy storms, and in no way is our relationship “perfect.”  We understand that no relationship is ever perfect, and we have worked hard to keep our relationship intact.  We understand no relationship is 50/50 … sometimes is 60/40, 80/20, or even 90/10 …  We have four kiddos that we’ve raised together.  Trust me, they’re not perfect, easy children, but they are respectful, good, beautiful human beings.  They’re all good kids, and we wouldn’t trade them for the world.

Outside of my little family, I have a great career as a Registered Nurse in an ER.  I have not one, but two Bachelor of Science Degrees – one in Business, the other in Nursing.  I am an athlete:  I have a Black Belt in Krav Maga; I’ve run marathons, and half marathons; I’ve taught Kickboxing.  I’m an avid reader (I have my own library that my husband jokes is a bonfire waiting to happen).  I am so much more than what I let others “see.”

It was a conversation with my middle son today, that sparked me to seek the answer to the question.  It was he that reminded me that it would be difficulty for me to fail.  When questioned further as to why he thought that, he told me that, “It’s not in you, Mom.  You’re not one of those people who would want that for yourself.  You would make sure that that never happened to you – and it has never happened to you, and I know that it will never happen to you because you wouldn’t let it.  It would be really hard for you to fail because you would find a way to make it work, or make it happen.”  For my child to see that about me, makes my heart soar to know that I have had that kind of an impression on him.  It’s funny how I can’t see it myself – so many people have pointed it out to me – my tenacity, my perserverance, my resilience.  I am amazed that my child could spot it and call me on it at his age of barely 15.

So … I ask again … How exactly did I end up here again?  Am I deserving of all the blessings that have been bestowed upon me?  My answer is a resounding, “YES!”   I can tell you exactly how I ended up where I am, and let me tell you that luck has had absolutely nothing to do with where or who I am today.  It’s been a struggle for me to believe that I am a “deserving” individual.   As I was reminded by my son, I am here because I made a decision at some point in my life to make it work, make it happen, to have a great life.  I believe that wholeheartedly.   Therefore … I am here.  I am alive.  I am happy.  My life is good.  My life is truly better than most and I have absolutely NO reason to complain.  I know that my life could be worse and for that I am thankful that it is not.

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