Vulnerable

I never thought or believed that “I” would be this anxious person, however, there have been a few things that have occurred in the last year or so that have cause me to question myself and place doubt in my head.

I have always bragged that, “Row. doesn’t cry.” I know what that sounds like, even sitting here typing it sounds so absurd to me. I am just not one to show my vulnerability. It’s so hard for me to be real and to show that side of myself to the world.  It’s painful. Very painful. I don’t like it. It’s such an uncomfortable feeling.

I believe that what is happening is that I am starting to emerge; my REAL self is wanting to come out as it has been stifled for so long, and I am being forced to show my vulnerability, my realness, my raw, real self for all the world to see.

The focus of my worry has changed. Last year, my son went off to college and I thought I was going to die. When my daughter had her first seizure, I thought I was going to die. When my youngest boy was having some issues, I felt his pain and angst. When my oldest boy calls me anxious and frustrated, I also feel his anxiety. When my children call me and tell me bad news, it makes me crazy. When my husband is sick, I worry. I love my children and my husband more than anything. Everyday, I can be heard muttering prayers to God and the various Saints to ask them for protection, and to thank them for blessing me.

It worries me that my anxiety level is heightened at times. I know that this is normal. I know that I can’t save the world. It’s weird though that even thought I know these things, that I still feel so … lost. No, the anxiety lies in the fact that I do not have control over everything. That I can’t keep everyone safe and at home with me. Life happens, I understand that. It’s just so hard for me to cry, even to my husband who loves me dearly. I don’t like the palpitations, the racing thoughts, the feeling of suffocation. The feeling is fleeting, but seriously, if I were not a nurse, I would have truly believed that I was having a heart attack or, worse, believed that I was dying. Thank God that I am a nurse though, and that I am able to recognize the symptoms and work through it. Movement helps. Meditations helps. Prayer helps.

This “rawness” is so uncomfortable for me. I know that I am not immune to the problems of the world. But it is just so uncomfortable, so painful. I know that life happens. I am going to go with this feeling. I am going to accept all that is being placed before me and I am going to see where it takes me. It’s weird that I can talk to people and counsel them, but it’s just not supposed to happen to me, you know.

I am vulnerable. I am human. There, I said it. I am human. Surprise, surprise. I have my share of problems and life’s issues, I just don’t share all of my craziness with the world. I don’t like to verbalize my problems. I just don’t think that it’s appropriate to share my drama with the world. I keep my drama to myself. I write. I pray. I meditate.

Everything is okay. Everyone is okay. All is well. It’s just my perception of things. Fear is a mental game. It has power over me that overwhelms me at times, but once I realized that I have power over my thoughts and fears, once I can harness this and truly understand this then my fears will have no real power over me.

I know that when all is said and done, when I come out of every event that is thrown my way, I know that I am not the same person that I was before I experienced it.  I’m usually stronger, wiser, and ready for new growth. I just have to get through it. I will get through it, and I will be better because of the events that I experience. Maybe my purpose for this is to use my story to encourage others.

All is well. And, yes, world, Row. is HUMAN.

Breathe, Row. Just breathe.

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