“Until your knees finally hit the floor you’re just playing at life, and on some level you’re scared because you know you’re just playing. The moment of surrender is NOT when your life is over. It’s when your life begins.” Marianne Williamson
It’s the last day of July … What? 2014 is more than half over already! More importantly than that though, this last day of July marks an anniversary of sorts for me. You may recall that last July 2013, I was hospitalized for severe – read SEVERE – rhabdomyloysis right when I was just coming back and recovering from knee surgery. Other things had happened last July also that I don’t care to talk about on here, but, yeah, July 2013 was quite possibly one of the worst months of my life. Well, it was just a disheartening month. Alas … Fast FORWARD to today, July 31, 2014. What can I say? I SURVIVED. I made it. I picked myself up out of that dark, dark abyss, and crawled, clawed, cried, and fought my way out. I could’ve just laid there and let it overcome me, and I will admit that I thought about that for a minute, and off and on at various times, but only for a short time. Every time, I would just take that needed break, take that huge, deep breath, brush myself off, and start all over.
Starting over is hard. It’s not fun. It’s hard to pretend you’re okay and go about your business. I seriously wanted to die. There have been many tears shed from my eyes this last year, but it’s okay. Alex Tan said that some times our eyes need to be washed out by our tears once in awhile, so that we can see life with a clearer view again. I believe this to be true as my thoughts and my visions would get cloudy at times and I would complain that I didn’t have a clue as to what to do, that I couldn’t “see” where I was going.
The hardest part of this whole process for me was learning to let go. Letting go of expectations. Letting go of who I was. Letting go of things that I let define who I was. Letting go of trying to do everything by myself. Asking for help. It was just something that I didn’t do, and that I still have trouble doing. Letting my ego take a back seat. Learning to trust.
I’ve had to close my eyes and just focus on me and not so much on every thing that was happening around me. I used to look around and compare myself to everyone. I believed that they had it better than I did – prettier, faster, stronger, richer, yada yada. Here’s the truth … There will ALWAYS be someone better, faster, stronger, prettier, richer, etc. than the person that we are. I understand that, but it still didn’t stop me from comparing myself. These days, like I said, I just close my eyes and will myself back into myself, and remind myself that I’m okay and to just be still. The other truth is is that my life is AMAZING. I have a great family, a good job, I’m healthy, I have money in my pockets, I am educated, I am a lot of things. I’m okay, and my life is a very blessed and amazing life.
It’s been back to business for me. Baby steps. I’ve worked hard since that fateful month in 2013. I no longer reside in that abyss, nor do I let my thoughts dwell there. I’m back to training at CrossFit 209 Sport with my faithful, amazing trainer, Gabe Subry, and all of my friends who motivate and encourage me every day. I’m not quite back to where I was, but I’m close. My weights are close to where I was prior to my injury, and I am able to do unassisted pull-ups again. Remember when I got rhabdo, I really messed up my right bicep, but Gabe has been able to help me rehab that along with my knee. The only thing I have trouble with is box jumps because sometimes my left knee buckles when I land. My job is stable. My family is in good health and are all doing well.
I’ve learned a lot. I have learned so much in this past year. So … although it was a rough year, I’ve overcome it. I know that there will be other hard times to overcome, but I have learned that out of bad can come good … Ex Malo Bonum. I believe that life is good, that it’s about mindset and perspective. I believe that we can lay down and just let life pass us by and feel sorry for ourselves – I’ve been there and done that, trust me. Or we can choose to get up and keep moving regardless of how small the steps we take are. Choose the latter because no matter how small the baby steps are that you take to get you out of your abyss, you will be that much farther away from where you were, and, before you know it, you’ll take a glance back and realize that you can barely remember that you were once there.
Let’s get out there! Time to get back to business. Stay strong. Be as positive as you can. Smile.