The Law Of The Garbage Truck

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Today is garbage day in our neighborhood and when I saw the garbage truck it reminded me of a story I heard awhile ago. It’s called “The Law Of The Garbage Truck.” I’m not sure who wrote it, but it goes something like this …

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.

My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches!

The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us!

My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, really friendly. So I asked, “Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!” This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, “The Law of the Garbage Truck.” He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage (frustration, anger, and disappointment, etc.). As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they’ll dump it on you.

Don’t take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don’t take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life’s too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so… love the people who treat you right & pray for the ones who don’t. Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!

Remember, it’s not about you. Keep your lid on tight and have a blessed, garbage-free day.

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Strong Girl Stand Down

IMG_4862I’m not a fan of vulnerability or feeling raw. I shouldn’t say that I’m not a fan, I meant that I don’t do those things well. I work so hard to put on this facade that I’m this strong, tough girl and that I don’t need anyone, that I don’t do crying. It’s so obvious when I am angry or upset regardless of how hard I try to hide it and carry on. The implosion is bad enough, but the explosion  … The explosion is often so violent and nerve wracking that I am not always sure what to do with myself.

Where does it come from? I know exactly where it comes from. It comes from being a child who was always so berated and put down and told not to cry – ever. It stems from being punished as a child countless times, then being punished again for crying. It originates from having a mother that was always stressed out because my father was in the Navy and for nine months out of the year for at least 18 out of the 25 years my father was in the Navy she was basically a single mother raising four children on her own.

As an adult, I can see now that my mother had no outlet. She had no out. She was tired and frustrated and she couldn’t deal with the energy and issues that I had. As the oldest I was expected to help, and to behave. I didn’t have the kind of mother that one could go to and just bullshit with or talk to about their problems about. I was expected to keep my mouth shut, obey the rules, no crying, no emotional outbursts, no drama. I can remember crying, only to be beaten and berated for crying, then slapped to give me something to cry about. She didn’t need my emotional drama. But I needed a mother.

Those experiences taught me quickly to keep my mouth shut.  I learned that crying gets you nothing and it also gets you no where even faster. I can remember being told, “You’re so ugly when you cry.” When I needed to be held, I felt unworthy. When you’re four years old, that says a lot. What your four year old ear hears, what your four year old brain, and consequently your adult brain translates it to is: You’re not beautiful enough to be held; Figure it out for yourself; Shut the fuck up; Stop  crying, it’s not going to get you anywhere; You’re bothering me. To be teased and called a crybaby.

IMG_2362So you stop crying. You keep your tears held in in public. You cry your tears in the shower, or into your pillow late at night. You put on this brave face, this brave facade and tell everyone that you’re okay, that you don’t need help. You build a wall around you that is hard to penetrate. You lie to yourself to the point where you don’t really know what the truth is anymore. You don’t trust easily. You don’t dare let your guard down. You’re jaded and cynical of those that can cry so easily. You laugh when you hear that crying is a display of strength because all you’ve known is that it is a source of weakness.

IMG_2346That broken child turned into a broken woman. That’s all there is to it. I don’t care to show my weaknesses, my vulnerability, my “soft” side. I cannot because it’s uncomfortable.  It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel unloveable. The rawness is so viscerally painful that at times is unbearable.

My husband knows that I am not as strong as I let people believe I am. He knows, but he also knows to leave it alone. I only share this side of me with him, and only on the rarest of occasions. So with him, I am also not 100%. I’ve been “strong” for so long that for me to display my vulnerability is unlike me, so it’s hard for him to get close to me because it’s scary.

I’m learning. I’m working hard to let people in. I know that in life we are not meant to go at it alone. I know that, yet I am not able to let people in to help me.  I get so frustrated when I’m angry at times that what ends up happening is that I cry, and that’s soooooo NOT what I want to happen.

Vulnerability and the ability to cry is a sign of strength. Completely opposite of what I learned as a child. Where I learned that crying was a display of weakness as a child, I know now that crying actually has the ability to heal. Being vulnerable was to leave yourself open to attack by those that were supposed to love you. Where I learned that I did not have a safe container to house myself in, or soft spot to land as a child, I am learning to fix that container, and that people are willing to provide you with a soft space to land that is safe.

IMG_3073IMG_3853I would tell my four year old self that it’s okay. Cry if you need to, but don’t hold it in. It’s okay, I’m here and you’re gonna be okay. I would tell my four year old self that you’re strong, that crying does not signify any weakness, that it means you’re human and you’re real. I would tell my four year old self that beauty is found in tears, that a hard, straight line on ones lips should never be found on the face of a four year old. A four year old should not ever look hardened, downtrodden, unhappy. Just be. Tears, tantrums, and all. Just be. Cry. Let it out and just cry. Strong girl stand down and let those tears flow. And I would hold that four year old as she did.

To be lachrymose is to be able to let your tears flow easily. For me, it will take some time. It will take a lot of time. So have patience with me as I learn. Just have patience and let me figure this whole thing out.IMG_2109

Full Circle

It’s been just about 2 years since I blew out my knee during Open WOD 13.4 of the CrossFit Open. Two years … seems like just yesterday and yet, a LONG time ago, when I look back. Looking back in some sense is still painful, yet very liberating at the same time.

2013 was a year of such inner turmoil for me. It took me to a very, very dark and lonely place and brought out a side of me that was not pretty at all. So many things happened that year that caused me to really reflect on everything that was happening in my life, and brought out some emotions that only seemed to throw salt into my very physical, emotional, spiritual wounds. I literally hated life, and was pissed at God for “letting” these things happen to me when I was just minding my own business.

Sometimes things need to happen in order to bring you to a better place than where you are.
Sometimes things need to happen in order to bring you to a better place than where you are.

2014 was better. I was healing physically. Mentally was another story and I could hardly get it together. As a result, l let go of myself and kind of really DGAF. Mentally, I was somewhat depressed.  Spiritually, I was still slightly bitter at God. I very envious of those around me who were flourishing. I was flourishing and improving also, but not at the rate of speed as I would have liked. But a lot of good things happened in 2014 also that started to wake me up and took me on a spiritual journey that I wasn’t expecting, and brought me to a point where I could forgive myself and truly – TRULY – move forward and finally begin to heal myself physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Here’s what I can tell you … I know that everything that happened in 2013 (and A LOT happened) had to happen in order for me to get to where I am today. I can tell you that had blowing out my knee not happened, or my daughter’s illness, my own illness, my “forced” job change – had none of it not happened, I would NOT be the person that I am today.

In 2014, I was I was introduced to many key people who have brought me to where I am today. These people reminded me of WHO I am. They reminded me that “what” I do – nurse, athlete, mother, etc. – is only just that – what I do, not WHO I am. What happened in 2014 was that I began to awaken … I began to “see” and “understand.” I mean, I knew before, but I had buried myself pretty deep underneath the layers that I choose to show to people.

Macchu Picchu, Peru!
Macchu Picchu, Peru!
Maui, Hawaii!
Maui, Hawaii!

In 2014, I began the process of shedding these layers. How? I read a lot, and I only read positive books that uplifted me and really stimulated my brain to think. I wrote a lot. I’m pretty sure I filled three Moleskine Journals with my inner most thoughts and feelings, and laid a few demons to rest. I sought out spiritual guidance from one of my oldest friend’s and spiritual mentor, and from a newer spiritual guide which whom I was introduced to. I attended a couple seminars and classes that opened my eyes and reminded me of who I was, who I am becoming, and what I need to be doing. I wrote a lot of forgiveness letters to people who I didn’t realize were weighing me down and holding me back. I distanced myself from and stopped associating with those who have never or don’t resonate with me or add any value to my life.  My beloved mother-in-law, Kathy, passed away from an ugly illness, and it reminded me of my own mortality, and how life is too short to be wasting it worrying about inconsequential things. My family and I went to Maui, Hawaii – kind of “home” for me as I grew up on Oahu, but had not been back for an extended period of time. I got sent to Peru for an amazing adventure by my husband to check off one of my bucket list items! I decided to look for the good in EVERY situation because there IS good in every situation. And one of the best things ever, is that I had made a unsuspecting bond with a few new friends with whom I have formed a true spiritual connection with! Because of this meeting, I am now opened more spiritually than I have been in the past which I find resonates with me on a vibration that is truly AMAZING!

2532015 is now here and I am looking at it with totally different set of eyes. It is new beginning and it has already started off in a truly positive light. I booked a trip to New York, courtesy of my husband, to study a form of healing that I have had an interest in. I am in the process of deciding whether to return to school and obtain a Master’s degree or to study something totally different. The goals that I have set for myself as a CrossFitter appear too low as I have already began to accomplish some of them and it’s only the middle of January!!!

Before all this happened, I truly felt as if I were drowning ...
Before all this happened, I truly felt as if I were drowning …

037What do I know now that I didn’t know in 2013 or even part of 2014? Well, I’ve always been one who has tried hard to keep looking on the bright side, but when all these things were happening all at once and just bombarded me, it was hard to keep my head up and come out of the fetal position I had placed myself in as a form of protection. What I know, is that had not all these things happened, I would not have prayed as much as I have. What I know is that I would not be as motivated to heal myself and prove the naysayers wrong. What I know is that I may not have started to awaken my sleeping self and begin this process of transformation and healing. What I know is that where I was once truly ego centered, I know that I function more from a place within myself that is more spiritually connected and heart centered. What I know is that I awaken with more joy and less worry. What I know is that I am a better version of myself. What I know is that I am focused on different things. What I know is that I have restructured my thinking, reworded my goals and intentions, and have aligned myself to be open to ALL of the great things that Spirit has in store for me. What I know is that my present situation is never my final destination, I know that the best is yet to come. What I know now is that my life’s path is now more in tune to what I had once envisioned it would be. What I know is that I am deeply grateful for everything that has happened to get me to this place where I am today. What I know is that I am highly favored, greatly blessed, and deeply loved.

That is a little of what I know.

The answer to all pain and suffering lies in the pain and suffering itself.
The answer to all pain and suffering lies in the pain and suffering itself.

I have finally come around to full circle …

There is a difference between being buried and being planted ... Just ask a seed.
There is a difference between being buried and being planted … Just ask a seed.

Stay tuned for what’s coming. I’m about to blow my own mind! Happy 2015!!!

I Blinked

The Distance From Where I Am to Where Nate Is ...
The Distance From Where I Am to Where Nate Is …

Three weeks ago, I did one of the hardest things in my life. I put my second born on a plane headed for Kansas to go to college. Kansas! Wow! I never saw that one coming, and let me tell you, it hit me pretty hard to realize that I blinked and here he was, all grown up and heading off to college.

It has ALWAYS been my Nathan’s aspiration to play baseball. My husband, knowing this, has kept him on track, making sure his grades were on point, and that he played high school baseball, travel baseball, made videos, and took him to various baseball camps for recruiters to scout him. He kept him safe in that he monitored his pitch count, took him to various appointments when he suffered an injury, and bought him the equipment he needed to succeed. My husband does the same for our younger son, Noah, who has similar aspirations. Had it not been for him, I’m not sure that Nate or Noah would be in the positions that they are in now.

Nathan signing his Letter Of Intent to play baseball for the Bethany Swedes!
Nathan signing his Letter Of Intent to play baseball for the Bethany Swedes!

Enter Coach Bartman from Bethany College in Lindsborg, Kansas. In mid July, my husband received a call from Coach Bartman asking for Nathan to come out to Kansas to tour the campus and to talk about possibly going out there to go to school and play baseball. Unfortunately, because of timing of our vacation to Maui, and the Coach’s availability, it was not until early August that they could fly out and meet. My husband, thinking that Nathan wouldn’t really like the thought of going to school so far away, especially in Kansas, agreed to take him just for the experience of interviewing and talking to a recruiter. That meeting would prove to be a life changing moment for all of us as Nathan was offered an athletic scholarship, and then we were surprised that Nathan was excited and signed his letter of intent to play prior to leaving Kansas.

Here is where is become somewhat tricky … Nathan signed the Letter of Intent on August 8th, school was to start on August 18. There was no time to process. No time to ask for time off from work so that I could help him move and get settled. The only time that we had was to make sure that he got immunized properly, got a physical prior to leaving, pick up some clothing, and pack only the essentials that he needed and then send him off.

You cannot imagine my anxiety prior to his leaving. I like to let everyone believe that I’m made of armor, that I’m this emotionally strong person who doesn’t cry. It’s a facade. I’m really good at pretending and not letting people see that I’m vulnerable. I’m not good at letting people see the “real” me, nor do I like to let my guard down and let people get through the wall that I have built so nicely around myself as protection. Let me tell you, the heavy heart, the chest tightness, the constriction in my throat, and the tears that leaked out of nowhere … I had no idea that it could be so bad. The pain and struggle are both so REAL. The anxiety attacks would come at me out of no where, and the only thing that would help was for me to run – to physically run because I really felt as if I were crawling out of my skin! It’s safe to say, to tell everyone that I’m NOT made of armor, that I’m as normal as the next person. Awwww, com’mon now, don’t be so surprised!

150003Putting him on that plane, watching him walk away to fly a distance of 1,665 miles away was one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure. Let’s face it, it’s just not somewhere you can hop into your car and drive to should he need help.  I asked my husband if he would tell Nathan that he couldn’t go, to tell him that he had to stay. He would not. He reminded me that this was what we have worked so hard for. He reminded me that this was the goal – to raise independent, strong, good-willed children, who go off to college and find their passions and go after them. I know and understand that, but it doesn’t make it any easier for me. He also told me that had I coddled him just a little bit more, and done more things for him, that we would not be in the situation that we were facing, that he wouldn’t want to leave the nest and that he would just want to stay home and let me continue to take care of him. Yeah, that wasn’t happening!

It’s safe to say that Nathan made it to Kansas and got himself set up without the help of his Mama. Despite my anxiety, I am incredibly proud of and happy for my boy! I will be okay, and I know Nate will be successful. He is making his dreams come to reality – how can any parent be upset about that! I only wish that I had a little more time to spend with him; that time could’ve crept by a little slower instead of sneaking up on me so quickly! I was okay, once I knew that he had made it to Kansas and situated for the most part. So hard to believe that he can do those things … without my help.

When I was much younger, even before I had thoughts of having children of my own, I read a book by Kahlil Gibran called The Prophet.  I pulled my dog-eared copy from my bookshelf and re-read page 17:

“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.”

I’ve always loved this passage. I didn’t quite fully understand it until I had children of my own, and got to where I was letting them go to do things like go to parties without me, learn how to drive, go off to college, and then move far away from me.

My advice to you younger parents is this: Don’t Blink. Seriously. It seems like just yesterday when my kiddos were learning how to walk, how to ride a bike, starting kindergarten. Time flies by so quickly. Enjoy your children – EVERYTHING about them because it’s true that you’ll miss it. Hug them a little tighter, but not so tight  that you stifle them. Give them the space, and foster an environment where they are able to learn independence and grow with your guidance.  Set their wings securely so that eventually when the time comes to let them go, you can be confident in the fact that they will fly in the direction of their dreams but yet know that they can always come home, that you will provide them with a safe place to land should they need help.

I am so proud of all of my children.  This year Grace started 6th grade, Noah started his senior year of high school, Nathan started his freshman year of college, and my Samuel started teaching a college class and started graduate school! Wow! I look forward to what the future brings. I am excited and happy for all of them. Like I said though, I wish I hadn’t blinked!
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Palpable Fear – Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway …

Leap And The Net WILL Appear ... Trust.
Leap And The Net WILL Appear … Trust.

It’s funny that I had posted this on Instagram, and then, shortly after, the Universe must have collaborated with my husband because “things” started to happen. Hahaha. I can laugh about it now, but I just think it’s amazing that once you put something out there, the stars begin to align and come together so that you can experience what you intend to, or desire to experience.

115It’s not a secret that I am a creature of habit.  I like things the same for the most part, but when change comes or is inevitable, I’m usually good about adjusting and dealing with it. My husband knows this, and for the most part he’s good about letting me be as I figure it out for myself, or he gently coaxes me along and steers me in the right direction. I know, it’s strange because I don’t really give off the aura that I would be one to be afraid to do things. I’m NOT. Let me rephrase this so it makes sense. When it comes to me trying new things, I’ll usually ask him his opinion and just talk to him about it before I go, or if I’m that uncomfortable I’ll just ask him to accompany me for moral support. Some times though, because he knows me soooooo well, he’ll just schedule things for me, or sign me up for things and say, “It’s too late now, it’s booked/bought/planned/etc. You have to do it/take it/go.” leaving me at a place where I really have no choice but to do it. Well, I could back out and just not do it, but for the most part he KNOWS that I CAN do it, but knows that I would never sign up or plan things out for a multitude of reasons. He also knows that I’m not one to “waste” money spent, so after some deliberation, I’ll just do it, or take it, or go.

Whew! I’m getting long winded and I’m about to lose you as a reader, I know. Sorry. Okay. Okay. What am I getting at? Well, in the last few weeks, my husband has done a couple things that have begun to edge me towards, then push me outside of my comfort zone.  Nothing that would really push me over the edge or harm me, but rather things that I would not have really planned, or thought that I would ever do in my lifetime.

For the first “surprise,” I was kind of blindsided. It was executed and planned out well by my loving husband. He had thought this out and while I was out at work, hit up my friend Shiloh, then planned out this elaborate trip without my knowledge. Serious. No joke. How they told me, rather how I  found out was also executed well. I got this text from my friend Shiloh saying that she would be in town and would love to get together for lunch. I hemmed and hawed for a bit, looking for excuses to not go, but ultimately, I could find none and told her I would meet her. I brought Grace, and my husband came along also, but I thought nothing of it because we’re all friends and she loves him just as much as she loves me. We meet at Panera Bakery and talk about everything – catching up on life, etc. She told me that she was planning to hike Half Dome and I was a little envious. Half Dome in Yosemite is beautiful, and it’s a challenge to be able to hike up it, but it’s something that I would eventually like to do. I think that this is how we got on the subject of Peru and Machu Picchu. It’s something that I have talked about for years, desiring to hike it and to see this world wonder. My husband has known that it’s been on my bucket list. Through the years, I’ve been perfectly happy to talk about it and just look at pictures and dream about it, never thinking that I’d actually go. Hahahahah! Jokes on me!

"Peru Oct 14" WHHHAATTTTT?
“Peru Oct 14” WHHHAATTTTT?

Shiloh had baked some Paleo/Gluten free brownies for Grace, but it was covered. I thought we’d take it home and eat it later, but Shiloh made Grace get a knife, and she was explaining the ingredients of the brownies, then the ingredients of the frosting. I’m half listening because I just wanted to eat it, but then she opens it up and I can see that there’s a message on it. Initially I couldn’t read it because it was upside down, but when I could I could see that it read, “Peru Oct 14.” I’m thinking, “Why the hell do Grace’s brownies read Peru Oct 14???” I didn’t get it, until she, in marriage proposal style, asks me to go to Peru with her in October. I still didn’t get it. I was like, whatever, but she said, “I’m dead serious. Me. You. Peru. In October. Are you game?” What? Um. Um. Um. Yeah, okay … I’ll go. There was NO backing out, and my husband was sweating, praying that I would say yes because the tickets and hotel were non-refundable. Now that it’s settled in a little and that it’s become a reality, I’m totally FREAKING OUT! I’m seriously worried about the flight, being away from my family for that long, and I’m most worried about altitude sickness! Oh. My. God. What has he gotten me into??? But there’s not much that I can do now except go. So … I’m going to Peru in October, Yo!!!

Second “surprise,” only two weeks later. We’re in Maui, chillin’ and enjoying beach life. We take a hike up to Twin Falls in Pa’ia, when Chris sees a sign for “Twin Falls Jungle Zip Line.” Knowing the the boys wanted to experience this, we make our way up the road. Not thinking that I would be doing it, I happily went along and waited in the car as Chris and the boys went to check out if they were open and to pay, etc. When Chris came back to get me, he told me that I was doing it also. Hahahaha. NO. FREAKIN’. WAY. Nope. No was was Row. going to do any kind of zip lining. But it was paid for. I argued that I had no closed toed shoes, but to my surprise, this company had shoes for me to borrow! Whaaaaa. Whaaaa. Whaaaaa. No more excuses. No matter how much I argued, there was no getting out of it. So I got out of the car, made my way to the jungle still in disbelief, and trying desperately to still get out of it but at the same time talking myself into it. It was hard, let me tell you. But the guides were cool, explaining everything and assuring me that I would NOT die. They said we could take selfies while on the line. I was like, “Hahahah, yeah, right. No way, I’m hanging on.” Here’s a video that I took, because I was seriously going to record a selfie video of myself zip lining. You won’t see anything really, but what you will hear and, more importantly, what you will FEEL is my fear. It’s *that* palpable. You will feel just how deathly afraid I am right before I take that leap into the unknown and let go … 

Here is the video that my husband was able to capture.  

What I found out during this zip lining experience was that once I let go and trusted my guides and my equipment was that I was okay, and that the feeling was exhilarating!

024For so long I’ve lived my life somewhat anxious, and I hang on sooooo tightly, white knuckled, with a vise like grip. It’s time that I start to release that grip and start to let go, believe, trust, and to start being a little braver. What I have learned is that sometimes … SOME TIMES those close to you know you better than you know yourself.  Sometimes they love you enough to help you get out of your comfort zone in a loving and SAFE manner. What I know about me is that I know that I’m strong, and I know that I CAN do things, but if left up to me, I would rarely leave my safe zone. I would happily stay and continue dreaming and wishing, looking at pictures and living vicariously through others. I just think that sometimes my goals and dreams are so BIG that they overwhelm me, so I just let them sit at the wayside thinking that I’ll come back to it later, or just let it go never believing that it can or will happen.  I am thankful that my husband knows me well enough to talk me into trying BIG things, to remind me that he can handle the home front if I go away for a week, to hold my hand when I’m afraid, and to talk me down when I’m in a state of complete panic.

God's got this handled ...
God’s got this handled …
Be AMAZING!
Be AMAZING!

One of my favorite quotes reads: “When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust him fully and let go … Only one of two things will happen: He will either catch you when you fall, or He will teach you how to fly.” I wish I knew who said that so I could give them the proper credit.  Trusting, fully trusting, has always been a big issue for me. For so long, until I met my husband, I had a hard time believing that I would be okay. My husband has shown me MORE love than anyone has ever shown me in my life. He is my protector, my confidant, my best friend, my best ally. He walks beside me, not in front or behind me.  He reminds me always that I am stronger than I believe. For that I am thankful.

So … I will trust. I will believe that I WILL be okay regardless of what happens. I will be more open, say “YES” more, wake up, live less afraid. I will feel the fear and do it anyway. I will trust and have unwavering faith in the unseen. I lead such a blessed and happy life … WHY would I not? Neale Donald Walsch says it best when he said that,  “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. So if you’re feeling uncomfortable right now, know that the change taking place in your life is a beginning, not an ending.”

Ready to follow my crazy adventures? Ready or not … I’m going to Peru, Yo!!! Here I goooooo … Stay tuned for more insanity.736

Back To Business

“Until your knees finally hit the floor you’re just playing at life, and on some level you’re scared because you know you’re just playing. The moment of surrender is NOT when your life is over. It’s when your life begins.” Marianne Williamson

112It’s the last day of July … What? 2014 is more than half over already! More importantly than that though, this last day of July marks an anniversary of sorts for me. You may recall that last July 2013, I was hospitalized for severe – read SEVERE – rhabdomyloysis right when I was just coming back and recovering from knee surgery. Other things had happened last July also that I don’t care to talk about on here, but, yeah, July 2013 was quite possibly one of the worst months of my life. Well, it was just a disheartening month. Alas … Fast FORWARD to today, July 31, 2014.  What can I say? I SURVIVED. I made it.  I picked myself up out of that dark, dark abyss, and crawled, clawed, cried, and fought my way out. I could’ve just laid there and let it overcome me, and I will admit that I thought about that for a minute, and off and on at various times, but only for a short time. Every time, I would just take that needed break, take that huge, deep breath, brush myself off, and start all over.

253Starting over is hard. It’s not fun. It’s hard to pretend you’re okay and go about your business. I seriously wanted to die. There have been many tears shed from my eyes this last year, but it’s okay. Alex Tan said that some times our eyes need to be washed out by our tears once in awhile, so that we can see life with a clearer view again. I believe this to be true as my thoughts and my visions would get cloudy at times and I would complain that I didn’t have a clue as to what to do, that I couldn’t “see” where I was going.

"I am building a fire, and everyday I train, I add more fuel. At just the right moment, I light the match." ~ Mia Hamm
“I am building a fire, and everyday I train, I add more fuel. At just the right moment, I light the match.” ~ Mia Hamm

The hardest part of this whole process for me was learning to let go.  Letting go of expectations. Letting go of who I was. Letting go of things that I let define who I was. Letting go of trying to do everything by myself. Asking for help. It was just something that I didn’t do, and that I still have trouble doing. Letting my ego take a back seat. Learning to trust.

I’ve had to close my eyes and just focus on me and not so much on every thing that was happening around me. I used to look around and compare myself to everyone. I believed that they had it better than I did – prettier, faster, stronger, richer, yada yada. Here’s the truth … There will ALWAYS be someone better, faster, stronger, prettier, richer, etc. than the person that we are. I understand that, but it still didn’t stop me from comparing myself. These days, like I said, I just close my eyes and will myself back into myself, and remind myself that I’m okay and to just be still. The other truth is is that my life is AMAZING. I have a great family, a good job, I’m healthy, I have money in my pockets, I am educated, I am a lot of things. I’m okay, and my life is a very blessed and amazing life.

069It’s been back to business for me. Baby steps. I’ve worked hard since that fateful month in 2013. I no longer reside in that abyss, nor do I let my thoughts dwell there. I’m back to training at CrossFit 209 Sport with my faithful, amazing trainer, Gabe Subry, and all of my friends who motivate and encourage me every day. I’m not quite back to where I was, but I’m close. My weights are close to where I was prior to my injury, and I am able to do unassisted pull-ups again. Remember when I got rhabdo, I really messed up my right bicep, but Gabe has been able to help me rehab that along with my knee. The only thing I have trouble with is box jumps because sometimes my left knee buckles when I land. My job is stable. My family is in good health and are all doing well.

My newest tattoo that I got while on vacation in Maui.
My newest tattoo that I got while on vacation in Maui.

I’ve learned a lot. I have learned so much in this past year. So … although it was a rough year, I’ve overcome it. I know that there will be other hard times to overcome, but I have learned that out of bad can come good … Ex Malo Bonum. I believe that life is good, that it’s about mindset and perspective. I believe that we can lay down and just let life pass us by and feel sorry for ourselves – I’ve been there and done that, trust me. Or we can choose to get up and keep moving regardless of how small the steps we take are. Choose the latter because no matter how small the baby steps are that you take to get you out of your abyss, you will be that much farther away from where you were, and, before you know it, you’ll take a glance back and realize that you can barely remember that you were once there.

Let’s get out there! Time to get back to business. Stay strong. Be as positive as you can. Smile.

5/13 Going in for knee surgery.
5/13 Going in for knee surgery.
Rhabdo Row in the ER getting liters and liters of Normal Saline boluses to help combat my SEVERE Rhabdo!
7/13 Rhabdo Row in the ER getting liters and liters of Normal Saline boluses to help combat my SEVERE Rhabdo!
7/14 Today! Livin' the life!
7/14 Today! Livin’ the life!
7/14 in Maui - Back to Business!
7/14 in Maui – Back to Business!

Alone In The Gym

My husband and I are complete opposites. Where he is tall, I am petite. He is blonde, I am brunette. He is outgoing, I am more of an introvert. He is vocal, I am written. He is aggressive, I am passive. He watches television, I read. He is yin, I am yang. I could go on and on and on, but you get the gist of what I’m trying to say about our relationship.

Our relationship of being opposites works. In fact, our differences actually compliment each other, so if you believe me to be complaining, you are far off base. I love my husband, I just wish that at times we actually shared some of the same passions besides our children.

I have always – ALWAYS – been an athlete, so it was always natural for me to believe that I would have a partner that was an athlete also. However, that is FAR from the truth that I live.  Athletics bring together such a sense belonging, of being a team, working together, encouraging each other, motivating each other. I need that sense of belonging, and although I feel as if I “belong,” I don’t feel as if my needs are truly satisfied.

Me and The Man - see how he looks so ... "pained"?
Me and The Man – see how he looks so … “pained”?

My husband works very hard to please me and keep me happy. He will do anything to support me in my endeavors regardless of how insane or far fetched they may seem. He has survived me dragging him, kicking and literally SCREAMING, to various gym workouts, kickboxing, CrossFit, and even running. All ventures short-lived, none actually got him in any shape. I know that I cannot “make” him do anything. I can suggest, and most times he’ll pacify me by agreeing at the time, but not really follow through. I’ve tried encouraging and motivating him, only for him to tell me that I am obnoxious and demeaning. Regardless, I keep asking and suggesting, but I know that it’s NOT going to happen – my husband is just NOT ever going to be the athlete/gym partner that I always thought I would have and have so desired in my life, and I have to learn to stop setting myself up for disappointment and let it go of my desire, my dream, and move on … ALONE in the gym/Box.

Gabe & Kirstie
Gabe & Kirstie
Andrew & Lindsey
Andrew & Lindsey
Dom & Vanessa
Dom & Vanessa

I see pictures and read stories or posts of couples enjoying themselves in the gym and I can’t help but feel a teeny pang of envy. Couples – bound together by their love and enjoyment of physical activities, glistening in sweat, smiling. More than any of that it’s the envy that they are doing things TOGETHER.

Exercise is such a HUGE part of who I am, so it’s hard to know that I am to forge on this journey alone. I feel selfish at times for the amount of time that I would love to spend in the gym because it’s time away from my family. It’s hard for me to see my husband struggle and just give up, but like I said, I can’t force him to do something that he doesn’t want to do. It’s hard for me to see him out of shape, unhealthy, and hiding his medications from me. Yes, I know that he does this because I’ve found prescriptions for medications. Yes, I know I’m a nurse. Yes, I know that I am his wife and should know his medical history, but seriously, if he wants to “hide” that part of himself from me, for reasons only known to him, then who am I to demand that he share these things with me? He must not believe that I am important enough to share these pieces of IMPORTANT information with me, right? I mean, we all have our secrets, right? It’s just that when something happens to him and the Emergency Department asks me about his health/medical history, the information that I will be able to provide will be very LIMITED and I’ll look like the countless number of idiots that give me that Kanye shrug look when I ask about their loved one’s history.

Oooooh … I’m waaaaaayyyy off subject now. How did that happen? Freudian slip? Ahhhh, I digress. I guess, it’s just harder for me to accept than I thought it would be, and it saddens and frustrates me more than I let on.

Where am I? Oh, yeah … letting go and acceptance. Letting go of the dream. Letting go of the control that I want to have over my husband to “make” him want better for himself. Accepting my husband as he is. Accepting that I will always drive to the gym/Box – ALONE. But that’s just it … I feel alone and that makes me unbalanced, sad, and disappointed among other things. I understand that life is about disappointments and picking yourself up and moving on, I just didn’t think I would always have to, or didn’t want to do it alone because it’s so much funner/easier/better when done together with someone you love. I guess, though, that if this is the only thing that I can pick apart about my marriage, then I can live with that. Mind you, it will be with a heavy heart, but I’ve done it for so long over the course of our relationship that it feels like an old hat. Like I said before though, I must STOP setting myself up for heartbreak and really let it go. Forge on knowing that my husband will be behind me, supporting me regardless of my decisions to keep running, workout harder in the box, or if I decide to take up underwater basket weaving. I just know that giving up exercise is NOT something that I plan to do ever, so I guess that my husband will just have to remain a gym widower.

What do other couples out there do when one is a gym rat, and the becomes the gym widow(er)? I wonder if there’s resentment?  What about if one looks amazing and in shape, while the other does not?  Does it tear their relationship apart or if they just deal with it? I mean, I get it, I do, I’m just so sad. I also know that most times, it’s the other way around where the husband is the gym rat, and the wife is the one who chooses to stay at home and is the gym widow while the gym is the mistress. I understand that I  I know that there’s more to life than in the gym. I just can’t fully express my guilt over this whole issue and  because I know, and because I believe that it’s what holds me back from reaching my full potential. It doesn’t make any sense to rehash it, I just really either have to accept it, live with it, and let it go, or continue to let it consume me as it has been for so long.  In the choosing to let it go, I fully understand that life just goes on …  and I just go on to the gym … ALONE … (heavy sigh).

February 2013 Recap

LOVE my Running Friends ...
LOVE my Running Friends …

I know that it’s only mid-February … Why am I recapping now? It’s too soon, right? Well … I can tell you that it feels as if I’ve lived a lifetime in this short amount of time already …

February started off so nicely. The first race that I had scheduled, a Super Bowl inspired run complete with miscellaneous football training obstacles, was cancelled. That was fine, it would have been fun to do that, and I was really looking forward to doing it, but it was not meant to be.

My second race scheduled was the “tiny” Smiles Half Marathon in Galt, California. I chose this race because of the fact that Galt is about 20 miles from my house, and it sounded fun. I love little races.  However … I completely forgot about this race. I forgot until the Wednesday prior – two days before – to the race that I was scheduled to run! I wasn’t too worried, but it was amusing that I hadn’t thought about it. I remember a time when I worried about running a race two weeks prior, and now it’s as if my body knows what to do with little or no preparation.

Fast forward to the Friday before race day. I’m finishing up working my 12 hour shift, and checking my timesheet to make sure everything checks out so I get paid properly when I get a phone call from my panic stricken husband telling me that our daughter has passed out and is having a seizure! W.T.F!!! I couldn’t comprehend what he was saying, I could only in my mind, see my baby out cold and having a seizure and not knowing how or why. I could only hear a few words that he said – “Passed out,” “Seizure,” and “911.” As a nurse, these are words that I hear on a daily basis. As an ER Nurse, I am able to dissociate myself from all the craziness happening in the ER and go about my life and business as if it were nothing. As an ER Nurse, I am strong and able to handle things, cope well, and separate myself. But when it’s your own … when it’s your very own child (or family member), I am a different person. I am still a nurse, however, I am a nurse who is on the other side of the gurney and no longer in control. No matter how strong I want to be, no matter how composed I want to keep myself, I function differently when on the other side of the gurney. It’s not a nice feeling being vulnerable, unable to separate, unable to put your guard up. It’s hard to be strong when you know that you have to be for your child because you know that if your child sees you freaking out, your child will not fare well in that situation. I can do it for my child, I did it, and my child did well. My child, my daughter knows that I would not let anything hurt her, that I would fiercely protect her. What my child did not know was that inside I was dying. It was heartbreaking to see my Girl laying on the gurney, hurt and afraid. It hurt me to see my husband so afraid, so panicked, so vulnerable. He’s usually my rock, the strong one, but I know that he doesn’t do well when it’s his children. If you thought I fiercely protected my children, HE is and even fiercer protectant! Know that.

My Girl being strong ...
My Girl being strong …

When I was able to lay eyes on my Girl, she cried when she saw me, but when I saw that she was upset and fighting … I knew she would be okay. Her CT Scan came back negative, so it’s time for outpatient follow ups to rule out other causes. So you can understand now how one can age many years in the span of a few hours … So far, everything’s good. Thank God.

My husband stayed home with the child on Saturday. I wouldn’t have run had he not been home. Did I feel guilty leaving her? Yes and no. Yes because maybe I should’ve stayed home with her, but no because I knew she was okay.  So I headed out to Galt with my friend Anitra. The morning was a super COLD 32 degrees! I laughed at Anitra because she said, “I wanted to be like Row., so I dressed in my shorts and tank top.” I had happened to dress in capris and a long sleeve top … I was not dressed in my normal attire of shorts and tank top. Not to worry, we found her a jacket that she could donate/dump so it worked out well.

The BEAUTIFUL Shiloh and I!
The BEAUTIFUL Shiloh and I!
Anitra!!!
Anitra!!!
Richelle and I!
Richelle and I!

I was happy to see that Shiloh came from Sacramento, as well as her friend, Chris, and then my friend, Richelle, came all the way from Fresno.  There were, of course, my local friends, Angela, Cres, and Lisa. There was Matt, who was running his first half ever. And … I made a new friend while waiting around the finish line, Mimi. I’ve seen Mimi on my friend Alexis’ page, but had never met her in real life. She is a great gal. Fun, and full of energy! =)

Run Happy!
Run Happy!

The course of the “tiny” half was thru the residential streets of Galt. Lots of houses, lots of cars, but on the plus side, lots of police patrolling the area and they made good use of their cadets! The water stops were manned by the local Boy Scouts. The only problem that I saw was that there were NO portapotties along the course. (Thank God I didn’t have to go!) I believe that there were a few residents of Galt who were not fond of runners and having their streets blocked, but for the most part, everything went fairly smooth. I had a really good run despite no training at all so I can’t complain. Would I run it again? Yes! As I said, I like small, local races. Other bonuses to this race include having Tony, Fleet Feet owner and Race Director, call your name out while coming into the finish chute, and can’t beat FREE race photos!!! =)

With my #1 Girl at Disney On Ice!
With my #1 Girl at Disney On Ice!
11!!!
11!!!

So … I know it’s the middle of February, but it seems like a life time. I have no other races scheduled for the rest of the month and I’m okay with that. Let me just take a breather and let the rest of this month go by uneventfully. I’m okay with that. On a positve note, the Girl celebrates another year on Sunday … Happy Birthday, Grace!!! Mom loves you!

Until next time … Hold your loved ones CLOSE and TIGHT. Never take the time that you have with them for granted. Train HARD and Train SMART. Eat WELL. And … Have FUN. Get out there!!!

Marathon Training – Week 20 – Sealing My Fate

I was waiting for a sign.
Yep ... What Nike says ...

I’ve been dickin’ around with this for far too long.  It’s time that I made up my mind and decide one way or another if I’m running CIM or not.  Soooooo … As of today, right now, this very moment … After much deliberation and over thinking … I’m “IN.”  No more changing my mind or fretting and worrying about it.  I’m going to run CIM.  No more thinking about it, only planning for the run, and getting into and staying in race mode.

They say that before you run your next marathon, you have to forget your last.

There.  It’s out.  It’s done.  Decision made.  I had a few heart to hearts with those that know the turmoil in my head.  If you’re wondering if I have any goals, well, kinda … I want to finish strong and healthy and in one piece.  I’m not sure what my buddy, Cory, has in mind, if she has decided to opt out or not, but I know that Judy has decided to run with me.  I know that Mac’s running, but I’m not sure about Mel. Last year I ran with time goals in mind.  This year, as I have said, I will run only for the pure joy of just being able to run and finish a marathon.  This will be marathon number 4 for me.  I’ll be going in without any reservations, I’ll be healthy, and injury free, and I will finish strong and happy.  (So it is written, so it will be and is done.)

That being said, I’m leaving it at that.  I’m not talking about it anymore, so don’t ask me …  I’m good with my decision, and I’m at peace. I know that I CAN do this and that I WILL do this.  That’s all that you need to know.  So … let’s get to training …

Sunday:  I got no data for you.  I was supposed to run something today, and I took the day off and everything, but signed up for nothing.  I’m sure that the Stockton Half was on this date last year and that’s why I took the day off, but they changed the date on me.  My running buddy, Mac, asked me if I wanted to run the Clarksburg Country Run, but opted out because of the fact that I’ve been running so dang much.  At the very last minute I thought I’d register, then opted out again.  I’m glad that I did because I feel pretty whipped!  I heard that it was a really nice venue, and I’m sorry that I missed it, but seriously, I’m glad that I didn’t run.

Instead, I sat around the house, ate not one, but TWO glazed donuts, and did absolutely NOT A DAMN THING!  And … I don’t feel guilty about it.

Me with two of my BEST buddies at AMAA: Z and Karyn! I love these two!

Monday:  I hit up American Martial Arts for a great cardio session with Jeanne and my girls.  I love my friends at AMAA.  Since my shoulder is still pretty stressed, I couldn’t do the exercises that required push ups, or left hooks, but everything else I was okay with.  I had to laugh when my friend, Karyn, asked me why I was there if I was injured … Girl, only my left shoulder is injured … not my legs, my core, or any other part of my body.  So I have no excuse.  I love working out there!  It makes me happy.  I signed up for Cage Fitness also … yep.  Something new to learn!  Excited.

Tuesday:  The plan was to get in the box but that didn’t happen, so then it changed to get in a spin workout, but instead I ended up with a whole lotta nothing!  Oops!  Oh well.  What can I say?  I’m tellin’ you, the weekend kicks my butt!  Ugh.  I’m not going to complain though.  I got some good rest in and I’m happy about that, then I worked a short stint at my Princess job.  Running around the hospital for 4 hours was enough of a workout for me today.

Wednesday: I’m surprised that I went.  I rushed in the morning to get there on time and when I got there, I wished that I just stayed home.

The Warm Up:
3 rounds of
Run 200m
15 Jump Squats
15 Kips (no kips for me because I can’t hang, so I was to do PVC roll overs)
5 HS Kick ups (none of those for me either)
Then … when that’s all done … 400m sled pull at 135#.

Let me tell you that I can’t pull 135# so I don’t know why I keep having to do it. Okay … I can pull it, I don’t like to pull it. It’s so freakin’ heavy and it takes me so freakin’ long to do it.  It’s frustrating beyond belief, and it sucks ass!

Strength:
I didn’t even do whatever it was that I was supposed to do, because that f’n sled pull took me too dang long!

The Workout:
3 rounds of
200m Farmer Carry – I coudn’t do that so my trainer switched it up and modified my Farmer Carry to a sandbag carry. 50# sandbag carried 200m.
20 Deadlifts – 105# for me
40 Overhead Lunges. Overhead was a no no for me, so I carried the weight to my side 15#.

I enjoyed the workout, just not the sled pull. I was not feeling it, and it’s starting to piss me off that my shoulder is STILL injured and hurting. Yeah. Workout done, but not with a happy heart.

Thursday:  The plan was to hit the box immediately after working my 12 hour  shift, however, the powers that be had other plans.  It was a very BUSY night at work, and according to my manager, she was told by the higher ups that she was not to give us breaks.  Really?  A 12 hour shift without a break or any meals?  That makes for a very unhappy employee.  Really, you’re not gonna give any of us a break?  Whatever.  That being said … I was not able to eat, or take a short rest period so that meant no workout for me.  So … I decided to go home, sleep, then get up early and hit the box at 1500.  My husband said that he woke me up, but he didn’t.  I know he didn’t because I heard him, and I wasn’t fully sleeping.  I know that he did NOT try to wake me up.  He went and worked out alone!  WTF?  Seriously?  Let me tell you … this made for one very pissed off, cranky, frustrated girl.  My shoulders are tense.  I’m mad as hell, my tolerance level is LOW.  That was NOT a good idea to let me sleep.  I needed that workout, but I probably needed the rest more.  That being said, I’ll leave it alone.

Friday:  I had every intention of going to workout in the morning, but didn’t make it.  I had every intention to go workout in the evening, but puttered around so much that I lost track of time so that was a bust.  That being said, I guess you can tell pretty much that my energy expenditure for the day was a huge … a really HUGE goose egg!  Nada!  Ugh.  I’m finding that the weeks after working my weekends are so difficult.  They suck.  I’m having such a difficult time recovering … not to mention, I have Seasonal Affective Disorder so it makes it even crazier.  I “forget” every year until my hubby mentions it to me.  Oh well … =[  No excuses.  It is what it is.  It just sucks to not get a workout in at all.  SUCKS!  Instead, besides fiddle farting around with my family, you would’ve found me with my H-Wave permanently attached to my left shoulder for at least 2 hours!  I love my H-Wave!

On another note, I signed Chris and I up for Brazen Racing’s New Year’s Day Run, and NorCal Survivor Mud Run.  Thanks to Schwaggle, I got the Survivor Mud Run at a HUGE discount (65%), so it was almost FREE!  And … since I got a nice offer from Morgan Hill (50% off), I signed us up for 2012’s Morgan Hill Half Marathon, which is in October.

Saturday:  There’s a new fitness rage at American Martial Arts Academy where I workout … it’s called Cage Fitness.  5 – 5 minute rounds of a total body workout!  OMG!  I signed up to attend a class today and absolutely LOVED it!!!  I had so much fun!  =)  But I LOVE martial arts.  I love MMA and boxing.  It makes me feel STRONG and confident.  It’s awesome.  So that was my workout today.  Jeanne kicked my ass.  I just wish that my shoulder was not so wonky so that I could do the moves at 100% instead of 50-75%  I know it’s necessary to save and rest my shoulder, but seriously, it’s been a month and it sucks.  So … more H-wave for me today again.  I spent the day cooking Paleo, and taking my kids out to the mall.  I had a great day.

That’s my weekly recap.  Not much of anything, but a little bit of some things … Could’ve been better, could’ve been worse.

I’m not answering any questions about my decision to run.  I know that’s insane, but those that need to know … know, and those that don’t need to know, know enough and really don’t need to know much more.  If I start talking about it, I know me … I’ll be able to freak myself out and talk myself out of it.  So … NO.  I’ve made up my mind and I’m now in race mode.  Thank you very much, have a nice day …

My training has been consistent.  I’ve gotten my runs in, albeit short and sweet, they have been pretty good and pretty taxing.  I love my trainer.  I know that my shoulder will get better – I just need to be patient and just rest it, leave it alone, and not push it as I have been.  I have faith in myself.  I have great friends and my awesome hubby that I can lean on.

I talked to my friend, Cory, today … she’s worried about CIM, but she says that she will run it.  I’m happy about that … =)  We can do it.  I know that we can.  It’s all good.  So … Me, Mac, Cory, Judy, and probably Mel.  Love it.

I have some training issues that I have to workout with my trainer next week, but I’m sure that they will resolve themselves. I just need to talk to him about a few things.  I’m gonna hit the box pretty hard this coming up week.  My kiddos are off from school so it’ll work out that I can go a little earlier or sleep in a little later … =)

Thanksgiving is coming up this next week also.  I have so many things to be thankful for as I am very blessed!  I have a great life.

So … two weeks.  Train Hard.  Train Smart.  Eat Well. And have FUN!  It’s not worth it if it’s not fun!

The fact that you can feel the fear means you also have the courage to get beyond it.  Otherwise, the fear would serve no useful purpose.   – Anonymous

Marathon Training – Week 12 – Keeps Gettin’ Better

I love that when I let go of all expectations, doubt, anger, angst, frustration … everything in week 5, things just started to come together for me without me having to try.  Seriously … I threw my temper tantrum during the SF Half, cried for a minute when I got home, and decided to let it go because really there was nothing that I could do about it at all.  All I could do was realize that my running self was having a hard time, pray about it, and let the pieces fall as they may.  I couldn’t force myself to run, I could only hope that I could finish out the year.  But it was in that letting go that something happened.  For one, I decided that complaining was not going to make it any better.  I also decided that I was going to listen to me and MY body, not what everyone else was doing or saying.  It was a great choice because my training got better!  =)

I changed up my workouts in the beginning of September.  I decided to do more resistance training … and that was a GREAT move!  I now have a great trainer who not only trains my body, but talks to me and lets me know that I’m okay, that I CAN do many things that I originally believed that I couldn’t.  He’s working on making me a “Phenomenal Athlete.”  I like that.  He reminds me that it’s in me, that I am a BEAST.  When I wane, he’s harder on me.  I’m always asking, “Are you sure that I can do this (or that)?”  The answer is always a resounding, “Yes, Row.”  So I have learned to stop asking, to just suck it up and do the work, and get it done!  I watched myself in the mirror the other day and I caught a glimpse of what other people see.  I was amazed at the strength of my little body.  My trainer calls me a “Power House.”  I saw it.  There are times when I ask, “Really?”  And I know that the answer is always, “Without a doubt, really!”  Mind you, I have to work very hard to get the work done, but know that it gets DONE!

Sunday:  Oh Sunday … this weekend kicks my hiney!  Lots of excuses, but the only one I have is that I am truly exhausted beyond belief working that three in a row!  So … I did nothing!

Monday:  Monday was rough.  I was going to just skip out on any kind of morning workout whatsoever because of the fact that I had just worked a full three day weekend and it seriously kicked my butt.  Working those three days are hard enough, but couple it with being short staffed, and being completely busy … It was rough.  I didn’t workout at all over the weekend (Saturday or Sunday).  It was all I could do to just get myself home and into bed.  But on Sunday, my workout buddy, Becky, sent me a text that read, “Let’s go workout at 0800!”  I explained to her that I was working a 12 hour night shift, and kinda whined a little, but in the end going to workout with Becky was something that I didn’t want to miss … Sooooo … I rushed myself out of work that morning, drove like a maniac down the freeway (because I was more than 25 mins away) to get there on time and guess what?!?  No Becky!  I almost just stayed in my car, and left, but I’m not like that.  I was already there, I may as well just get the work done!  So … The workout went down like this:

Warm-Up:
Run 800m
20 High Knees
20 Butt Kickers
20 Jacks

Strength:
4 x 20 Back Squats (65#) with a 400m run in between each set

The Workout:
5 Min Rounds/AMRAP, 1 min rest in between rounds
#1 – 10 Pull Ups, Clean & Jerk Ladder
#2 – 2 Clean & Jerks, Burpee Lateral Jump Ladder
#3 – 3 Clean & Jerks, 3 Burpee Lateral Jumps, 6 Pull Ups

Let me tell you that after the second round of those back squats, I couldn’t feel my legs.  They were total jello.  Running was difficult.  When we got to the actual workout, I was wondering if I really had it in me. This workout kicked my ass so bad I dry heaved for an hour afterwards!!! An hour, seriously!  I finish all of the workouts and do the work, but damn, it’s rough some days. My trainer had to remind me that I had just finished working a 12 hour night shift with no rest so I still rocked it! I know I’m getting stronger.

Tuesday:  I love Tuesdays.  Not that I have a specific workout, I just like Tuesdays.  I hit the gym at 0900 and noticed that the parking lot was empty.  I mean, usually it’s FULL of cars that I fret that I won’t get a parking space.  But today it was empty.  Just me and a few peeps, which I thought would be cool … and it was until I looked at the board.  I shouldn’t have looked.  I should’ve just started my warm-up and got out of my head.  Instead, I took a peek, then I literally ran out of the building – well, you know, for my warm up run, of course!  Hello!

Warm Up:
Run 800 m
Stretch

Strength:
5 x 3 Strict Pushes (Overhead) after finding max weight. 55# was my max weight for today. I tried 65, but I could hardly get 2 up so I backed down.

The Workout:
3 Rounds, no rest in between
25 Wall Balls (14# ball)
25 Double Unders
25 GHD Sit Ups
25 Double Unders
25 KB Swing (35#)
25 Double Unders
400m Run

Today I learned a lot about myself.  I learned that I am stronger that I believe myself to be.  I doubted that I could do the 35lb kettlebell.  I complained that it was “too heavy.”  That’s always my big complaint.  And my trainer had to remind me, “It’s not, trust me.  Have you seen your guns lately?  They can handle it.”  Alrighty then.

This workout sucked.  It was literally the workout from H-E-Double Hockey Sticks!  I barely finished round one and I was dying.  Round 2, I wanted to just up and quit.  Round 3, I said, “F– It!  Just get it done, Row.!”  Whoa!  It was hard.  Dang!  But I finished, and I finished with a feeling of accomplishment.  My trainer reminded me that it was all about finishing, gettin’ the job done.  And I did, 14# Wall Ball and 35# KB and all.  Those sucked!!!  LOL!  The entire workout sucked!

Wednesday:  I can feel my core.  It’s tight and it looks awesome.  But I’m tired today, so I decided to just lay low and lay down!  Hee hee hee!  Yep.  I’m calllin’ it a rest day.

Thursday:  I was lucky, and due to unforseen circumstances way beyond my control, I was able to leave work early and hit the 0700 class with my buddy, Becky! =) I was excited, then not so very excited when I saw the workout. LOL!

The Warm-Up: 800m Run, stretch. 15 of each:  Squats, Opposing heel reaches, Rock & Roll Ups, Jacks.

The Workout:
500m Row
50 Box Jumps
500m Row
50 Push-Ups
500m Row
50 Ring Dips
500m Row
50 Burpees
Run 1.5 miles

It doesn’t sound bad, but when you get to those burpees, it’s rough and I was thinking that I should just bust them out. The harder I tried, I tuckered faster. But I got it done. So it’s all good! =) A little tired from being up all night, but I. Am. DONE!!! I still love my trainer though!!!

Friday:  I’m pretty tore up!  My core is screaming soooo bad.  So I lay on the couch and rest my little tore up self.  I sent a text to my trainer and told him so, and he said that’s how I should be feeling after working out HARD all week!  Damn!

At the Expo! Never mind that I look like I'm 12!
Love my bib!

Saturday:  Another rest day.  Today Chris and I head out to Half Moon Bay for the Half Moon Bay International Marathon.  I’m running the half tomorrow.  Packet pick up was easy, fun, small.  We met some really nice people there.  Chris was able to register as a volunteer and then we hit the hotel before heading back to the dinner.

Sam's Chowder House in HMB
Our view from our table.
Our dinner table.

Dinner was at Sam’s Chowder House.  They offered an enormous Pasta Feed which included a menu of Ceasar Salad, Manhattan Clam Chowder, Seafood Pasta, Bolognese Pasta, or a Vegeterian Pasta choice, soft drinks, and lots of bread.  The atmosphere was very relaxing and peaceful outdoor venue.  The company was even better.  Chris and I were able to meet and mingle with the race director, and we met a lot of the staff who were helping with the marathon.  The food was to die for.  As it was buffet style, we were able to go back for seconds, or even thirds.  We were happy that we took advantage of this!

The rest of the evening was spent searching for a Starbucks for my customary Mocha which will be reheated in the morning, getting my race gear ready, and attempting to get a good night sleep.

As for the actual race … Yeah … it’s a Sunday post, so you’ll have to read about it in week 13’s post!  Don’t worry … It’s well worth the wait!  It’s been a good week for me, albeit somewhat short.  It’s all good though … I got some QUALITY workouts in.  =)

Next week brings the promise of a chance to start over if you need to.  If last week wasn’t the best, here’s your chance to make it better, start over, do better.  Nothing is impossible, and you are the only one that can make the necessary changes that you need to make.  Make up your own mind, and do what you need to do.

On another note, thanks to my friends, Shiloh, and Marci … I’m gonna have some shirts made for Running Code 3.  We decided that our motto is, “Suck It Up, and Do The Work!”  It should be awesome!  =)

Until next week, my running friends … Train hard.  Train Smart.  Eat well.  And most importantly, have FUN!!!  Catch ya’ll later!