Bitter Or Better? My Choice

imageThey say that you have two choices when faced with a crazy blow that life will sometimes deal you. You can either get bitter and assign blame, pout, get nasty, angry, and stay stuck. Or, you can get better and take responsibility, make a plan of action to rectify/change the situation, and move forward.

What happens is most people initially do get bitter. We’re angry. We ask, “Why?” We look for people to blame. If you stay in this mentality, the situation doesn’t really change. In fact, it may get worse. You could really dig yourself into a hole, or fall into an abyss that’s really hard to climb out of. I know, because I’ve been there and it wasn’t that long ago.

Three years ago, this month, March 28, 2013 to be exact, I blew my left knee out in a freak misstep when performing a move that was shoulder to overhead. I had not lifted that weight before so it was slightly difficult. Initially, I blamed my trainer who told me that the weight was “light” and that I could do it. I didn’t think I could, but I did do it once, so I believed I could do it again. Well, what resulted was me misstepping or landing incorrectly, and the way my foot planted tweaked my knee enough that it completely tore my left meniscus and severely bruised my ACL. I don’t believe that I ever really “healed” from that experience. What do I mean? Well, I know that my knee healed. I had surgery, and they removed my meniscus and I eventually went on to recover and get back to baseline, but my mind never really recovered.

imageI lost my shit when this happened. I seriously Lost. My. Shit. I was angry. I was depressed. I couldn’t function. I made the mistake of stopping all exercise as suggested by my orthopedist. It made sense because I could not truly bear weight on my left leg, couldn’t squat, blah, blah, blah. This lack of movement proved to be detrimental to my mental health. (You can read about it here.)

I think about how low I fell last time, metaphorically speaking, and I can tell you that I was NOT in a good place. I became very irritable. I gained weight that I have not yet been able to shed. I lost my fitness. And, worst of all, I became suicidal. Seriously, I wanted to die. I just wanted to die. I had become someone that I didn’t recognize. I was lost and frustrated. And even after my knee was repaired, I tried to make my way back into my fitness game, but it was far from the same. Where I once was running 25 miles/week, lifting weights 4-5 times a week, and even kickboxing 2-3 times a week, I was no longer able to workout as I had been. I believed that I would just get right back onto that horse, and what happened was that horse quickly bucked me off and laughed at me right in the face.

imageThis time is a little different because I know what to expect. My plan is to NOT fall into that same abyss that I fell into the last time I injured myself. How do I know it’s different? What am I going to do that’s different? Well …

It’s only been 4 days since I re-injured my knee. I was fatigued during the workout, so when it came time to squat clean 135lbs, I was already tired. I should have passed on attempting to lift it, but on a good day when I’m not fatigued, I can do it. I should have listened to my gut, but, I didn’t. I let my head and my ego get the best of me and I knew that I wanted to try. I only tried once and that was all that it took. It took me down immediately with my knee buckling inward.

I did not try to hide, mask, or pooh-pooh my injury. I cried out in agony, something that I would have never had done in the past. I let others help me. Someone got me ice. My trainer aced wrapped my knee. Last time, I did not seek medical attention. I had an appointment with my Physical Therapist the next day, and he was the one who convinced me to seek medical attention. I was naive in thinking that I would be able to fix and heal myself. This time, I knew what to expect, so I brought myself to the ER and requested an x-ray, then requested an MRI and an orthopedic consult. I had my MRI yesterday. I also immediately started working on the surrounding muscles of my knee by using a muscle stimulator. Along with compression, ice, and the use of my hinged brace has made a huge difference. I really haven’t had much pain. If anything, it’s 3 out of 10 on a 0-10 pain scale, and that’s really only when my knee is unstable and moves laterally. Something that I have already done this time that I never did last time, I reached out to my trainer and explained the consequences I may have if I limit or stop my movement. I asked for workouts that would instead focus on my core and upper body and cardiovascular exercise that would not require the “stabilization” or movement of my lower body, more specifically, my left knee.

I take full responsibility for what happened. I know the risks and benefits of doing the things that I love. I would not be me if I sat back and watched others do the things that I love and did not participate in the activity myself. Quite frankly, I am tired of people telling me, “You know you’re not a youngster anymore. You really should be careful. Maybe you should find another hobby.” Are you kidding me? I know exactly how old I am. And I know what I’m doing. I am doing what I need to do to feel alive, to feel happy, and to live my life. I don’t owe anyone any explanations at all. Like I said, I take full responsibility, and I will continue doing things that I love, that make ME happy, and that make ME feel alive. I’ve watched the video of what/how it happened. It serves me no purpose to keep rehashing and reliving it over and over again. What’s done is done. I can only learn from what’s happened and move forward.

So you can see, I have chosen to not become bitter this time around. I’ve already had my cry in my last blog post. I choose to see it as another learning opportunity. You see, things will continue to happen in your life until you understand the lesson that it is trying to teach you. I cannot yet tell you what the lesson is that I am to learn from all of this. I can tell you that I am open. I know that in order to figure out what’s happening to me on the outside, to understand why this lesson is being brought forth to me again, I must turn inward. I need to seek the answers within myself because the answers are inside of me.

I am different this time around. I am more open and vulnerable this time around, and I am also showing more of my vulnerability without shame. I am attempting to remain calm as I ask others for help, or when I tell my story, and not feel humiliated. I know that people are talking about me, saying things like I was stupid to even attempt that, but that’s their opinion. It’s not the truth. I was not being reckless, I was putting myself out there and doing something that not many women my age do.

I will not fall into the abyss this time around. I have a plan and have already began to institute it and illicit the help of those who love me.

So … Bitter or Better? I say BETTER. My attitude and my outlook are both different this time around. More optimistic, and realistic. I believe that things WILL get better. I believe that I WILL once again be restored and made whole. I believe that I WILL once again run, jump, lift. I believe that I WILL figure it out and healing IS already taking place within me.  Things CAN and WILL only get better from here on out.

Stay tuned.

 

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Starting Over

12 hours post injury. Thank God for my knee sleeve!
12 hours post injury. Thank God for my knee sleeve!

It’s been 2 weeks days today … Exactly 2 weeks ago I had surgery to repair the knee that I had injured in a fluke. 12 days …

I had been waiting for that day for what seemed like F O R E V E R … So when that day came and went, it was a HUGE relief. It was also a pretty 012uneventful day. The only “complication” to my surgery was the reshuffling and a slight scramble to make sure someone would be home to meet my daughter when she got off the bus, as my original scheduled surgery at 0845, was pushed back to 1230. Easy fix, my oldest son would be able to help us.

This gown is sooooo NOT me!
This gown is sooooo NOT me!

From the time that I arrived, I was greeted with kindness. The Admissions Representative verified my information and my identity. Chris was given a run down of the patient tracking monitor and it’s miscellaneous color codes to determine where he could find me. The Tech who roomed me was funny. My Nurse was calming. I found that we knew many of the same people and worked in the same places. Although she missed my IV on the first try, I didn’t hold it against her – things happen, what can I say? It was interesting to be on the “other” side of the gurney – to be the patient rather than the nurse. The anesthesiologist made a brief appearance – I’ve worked with him before and his demeanor put me at ease immediately. He reminded me that all would be well. Lastly, my surgeon waltzed in to have a few last minute words with me. We discussed repairing my meniscus and making sure that should my ACL need repair as well, that he would repair it versus bringing me in for another surgery. After that, it was a matter of meeting the nurse who would wheel me into surgery, and the rest is pretty much history. I seriously don’t remember much after that. Actually, I don’t remember anything at all because they loaded me up with some Versed and I was a gonner! I’m pretty much a light weight when it comes to benzos and narcotics – doesn’t take much to put me out.

My husband says that he barely had enough time to grab a coffee when they were paging him to let him know that my surgery was completed and that I was in recovery. 20 minutes he said. 20 minutes. All that, repaired in 20 minutes. BooYah!

Bye Bye, Blue.
Bye Bye, Blue.
3 days post-op.
3 days post-op.

So here I am … 2 weeks post op … My husband pretty much kept me loaded around the clock on my pain meds for the first two days. His reasoning was that I’d move around more if I were pain free. I used crutches for the first 2 days, but really I was good to go afterwards and just progressed from a limp to now a slight limp. I had my first workout a couple days ago when I decided that enough was enough and and I had my Noah bring my spin bike in … my goal was 30 minutes. I made it to 27 minutes when my knee started to pop slightly right around that time, and, although I really wanted to finish out the 30 mins, I thought better of it and stopped where I was. Add in some sit-ups, then some 3 x 30 sec and 1 x 60 sec plank holds, and 20 minutes of hula hoops and I was pretty happy that I’m making my way back.

As hard as it is to start over, to start from the beginning and build up … I’ll say this … at least I CAN start over. At least I have this opportunity to start over. At least I CAN begin again, and build myself into a STRONGER machine. I would NOT wish an injury on anyone. This experience of being injured and sidelined has really taught me that I would not be a good invalid. I as not my best at all while injured – my behavior was shameful and dramatic to a point. I am much too active and love working out too much to have been down for just the short amount of time that I was out. I found out a lot about myself that I really didn’t like, things not worth remembering much less repeating. I was too anxious and too depressed. So unlike me.

I’m really looking forward to getting back into FULL OUT Beast Mode training, and running. I returned to work yesterday, and I get the stitches taken out on Friday. I have an appointment to see my Physical Therapist next week. I’m really looking forward to seeing Todd because I know that although I’m my knee is healing up well, it’s inside my head that I have the most issues. I’m afraid of re-injuring myself, and I know that I’ll baby it and possibly hinder my recovery because I’ll be afraid. Going to Physical Therapy and seeing Todd will help me “get out of my head” and help me heal mentally which is what I really, really need.

Get ready for more exciting posts as I crawl out of the abyss and I train code 3 beast mode … Train HARD. Train SMART. Eat WELL. And most of all have FUN!!!

Thoughts Before I Go Under

Later today is “D” day … The day I’ve been waiting for for just about two months now. Well, I haven’t actually been waiting for it for two months, but let’s just say that I’ve been waiting for this day to be fixed, done, over with for a LONG time.

Almost two months ago, I injured myself during the CrossFit Games 13.4 Open WOD.  It was a freak mis-step that caused my knee to snap and buckle and take me out just like that … ONE teeny mis-step.

In these last few weeks being out and sidelined from doing what I love most – running, working out, kickboxing, crossfitting, etc. – I’ve been battling a lot of inner demons that at times got the best of me, and brought out an UGLY side that I didn’t like or enjoy. Today I start to come back and kick those demons in the teeth for the turmoil they have caused me! I’m done. I’m done being bitter. I’m done moaning and complaining. I’m just done because I know that what’s done is done, and I do ultimately believe that everything happens for a reason. No accidents.

12 hours from now I’ll have been rolled into surgery and starting my recovery both physically and mentally. As much as I’ve come to love Blue, my beloved hinged knee brace, I love being physical more, and I need to put her away to begin my healing.

Thank you to my friends and family who have put up with an impossible side of me that I never knew existed – not like this anyway.  I’ve never taken my health for granted. I’m thankful that I am healthy and strong. It’s time to get healthier and rebuild myself … I’m coming back – better, stronger, faster, wiser …

Catch you on the other side in a couple days …

Knee Brace Chronicles

I Miss My Teacher.
I Miss My Teacher.

They say that what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.  I sometimes wish that it would just kill me … strike me down … kill me dead … I know, I’m sorry. Reverse. Rewind …  I know that my life IS good.  I lead a really good life.  I am blessed beyond belief with a great husband, four kiddos that are healthy and wonderful, I have a great career, and I am healthy sans my left knee. I have no right to complain when I know that so many would want to walk in my shoes, and live the life that I live. What’s talking right now is my complete exhaustion, frustration, and emotions. What’s talking LOUDEST is my ego. I just seriously miss my workouts because it is something that I constantly crave.  Trust me, I count my blessings everyday and thank God for EVERY little thing.

It is something that I constantly crave and I seriously am in withdrawals!
It is something that I constantly crave and I seriously am in withdrawals!

It’s been over a month, almost a month and a half since I injured myself and I still ask, “WHY?” Why? Why me? What did I do to deserve this? What lesson is it that I am supposed to learn in all of this?  Why? I don’t understand. Maybe I’m not supposed to understand. Maybe I’m supposed to feel more empathy towards those who are seriously injured. Maybe I’ve been too callous in my thoughts of others, or maybe I got greedy in my desperation to keep up with the younger girls, and in my desperation to improve because my mind is constantly comparing myself to others and needs to STOP. Maybe I’m supposed to really rest.  Maybe … I hate to admit this, but maybe I’m really just afraid.  I don’t know. All I know is that I am NOT myself. I don’t even recognize myself. I barely even want to crawl out of bed to do anything because I’ve been so depressed.  I don’t openly admit that to anyone, but yea, there it is … I’m severely depressed.  All I really want to do is lay there and do absolutely nothing. I’m really good at hiding my feelings. For one, I don’t openly share much about me. I don’t really believe that people are genuinely that interested in me either. I just do my thing, mind my own business, stay in my own bubble. But yet … WHY?

No other way around it ... When in doubt dig deep and barrel through it!
No other way around it … When in doubt dig deep and barrel through it!

I watch others who have the capability to workout and have the potential to do great things, but yet they just sit there – happier to enjoy the comforts of food and the softness of their bodies. I take care of those whose bodies have given up from years and years of it’s owner’s abuse, misuse, and disuse.  I take care of those who have basically let their bodies rust out – too many years of eating the wrong foods, watching a little too much television, providing it with little or no sun, hydrating it with the wrong kind of fluids, and definitely not providing it enough activity.  It saddens me that people don’t care enough about themselves to take care of themselves, however, when they’re really sick *then* it’s an emergency and want to be saved. Seriously? NOW it’s an emergency? It should have never gotten to the point where your heart is now failing, your lungs can’t provide you with enough oxygen, where your trunk can’t hold you up and your frame is falling apart. I have never in my entire life wanted to be one of *those* individuals. I’ve always been active, athletic, and strong. True, I could eat better, but for the most part my diet’s not the worst.  Fitness has always been my passion from a very young age.

So I ask myself again, “Why? Why me?” What did I do to deserve this? I’m sure that I can ask until I’m blue in the face and still never be able to completely figure it out, or ever get a straight answer. I did everything right except for ONE wrong foot plant … ONE. I’m so angry. I’m so, so angry. It’s my own fault. I can’t blame anyone else except for me. I’m sure there’s a lesson here, but WHAT? What is this lesson? Patience? Tolerance? Empathy? I know that there’s a reason, but I’m so caught up in my own little pity party that I can’t see straight at this moment because my ego keeps talking and won’t STFU!  And the more I think about things, I think that, yes, I know that surgery WILL fix my knee, but what about my mind? There is NO surgery to fix one’s thoughts …

SNAP OUT OF IT, ROW.! My ego needs to just Shut The F#@K Up already! (insert *hard bitchslap*)

Here’s a different perspective … I AM thankful.  I am thankful for my Physical Therapist, Todd, who got the ball rolling for me – he was wise enough to know that I needed serious help and that I needed it STAT! It’s because of Todd that I was able to get into see my Primary Doctor, get an order for a STAT knee xray, and get a STAT orthopedics referral.  Without Todd, I would have waited … I would’ve waited and just asked one of my ER Docs to take a look at my knee one night at work.

I am thankful for my health insurance.  I am a very blessed individual to have free coverage for myself and my family.  Not only that, my family and I are also covered by my husband’s health insurance.  Double coverage … BONUS!  I am thankful that my co-pays are $5.00. I have witnessed a lot of individuals whose co-pays are $50, $70, $100, and even $200 or more.  I feel bad for people who come to the ER for very “minor” complaints and end up having to pay these outrageous co-pays. Um … that’s what a clinic is for, what going to your Primary Doctor is for. I’m really sorry that your co-pay is $200 and you got a 15 minute visit with my ER Doc for your complaint of ear pain. I can not complain about my health insurance coverage.

I am thankful that I am still able to walk and even work. I know that some individuals have injures that are far more severe than mine. I also know that there are some whose injures are not as severe as mine but have taken them out completely.  I sometimes wonder about that – if they fake more pain than they actually have so that they can have more time off work? Here’s my thinking about that … eventually all that faking will catch up to you and the pain will become real, and the injury will become as severe and as painful as you make it out to be.  It’s why I can’t ever lie about being sick or about being injured.  For one, I would not know how to fake being in “that” much pain. I’m one of those people who believe that if you lie when you call in sick, that you WILL end up sick. It’s just not worth it. I can work, I can walk, there’s no need to lie and pretend.

I am thankful that I have no pain. I am slightly weirded out when my knee catches and buckles – that is NOT a very nice feeling.

Blue.
Blue.

I am thankful for my hinged knee brace, Blue. Yes, I named my knee brace, what of it?  Without Blue, my knee would constantly buckle and I really would not be able to walk.  I wear that thing at least 22 hours a day.

I am thankful for the “forced rest” because I really needed to just stop and rest my shoulder. People forget that I have a shoulder injury also. It’s why I haven’t been able to do upper body exercises as people have suggested. Yep.

I am thankful for my friends who have had knee injuries an knee surgeries who have taken the time to talk to me about their experiences.  They have listened to me, let me cry on their shoulders, let me ask numerous questions, and never let me feel as if I were alone in this whole ordeal.

I am thankful for my Orthopedic Doc/Surgeon, Dr. Wilkins.  He made me feel at ease, and assured me that he would take care of me and that I would be okay.

So … see … in the darkness of all this craziness, I have discovered some good things. But I  just let my feelings, fears, and my ego get in the way.

Henry Rollins said, “There is no better way to fight weakness than with strength.” I have to remind myself that I am so much stronger than what I believe myself to be.  I am afraid, but I am going to do WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET THE F#@K UP! This will NOT kill me.  This will NOT keep me down. I am going to unf#@k my mind and  I am going to slay this dragon because I know and believe that I can! I am stronger than this challenge, and this challenge is making me even STRONGER! Believe that!

My surgery is coming up … One week. One week! Let’s do this. Let’s get it done so I can move forward and get back out there! I’m ready! I am sooooo ready!

“If you are paralyzed with fear, it’s a good sign. It shows you what you have to do.”  ~Steve Pressfield

Catharsis – The Implosion

One day post injury. Swollen much?
One day post injury. Swollen much?

And so the saga of my knee continues into April … We pick up where we left off in March. March ended on such a bad note that I’m looking for a glimmer of hope in April.

Protesting by not sitting in the exam chair. 5 days post injury.
Protesting by not sitting in the exam chair. 5 days post injury.

On Tuesday, April 2nd,  I finally get in to see the Ortho doc and he has the same look on his face as he inspects my knee. Then he’s talking about surgery! What the hell? April’s not looking too great … I say, “Look, you don’t even know what’s wrong with it, you can’t talk to me about surgery yet.” He gives me a sympathetic look as if to say, “I do know.” He talks about sending me for an MRI and how he’ll call me with the results as soon as they results come in. So … a week to get into see the Ortho doc, now another week until the MRI. Wow! Time. Time. Thank God it wasn’t anything “serious,” right? It’s just MY knee.  MY KNEE and that’s serious to ME!!! Fuckdamnit!

In the meantime, I sell my bib for the Elk Grove, Running Of the Elk Half Marathon.  I was looking forward to running that race, and seeing my beautiful friend, Shiloh. It was a such a nice run last year. (Sigh.)

I get the MRI done the following Wednesday. It wasn’t an unpleasant experience, but then again, I had worked the night before so I really slept thru the entire procedure. The Ortho doc calls me the following day but I wasn’t able to answer my phone so he left me a message telling me that the MRI showed a meniscus tear AND and ACL tear! Wow! I wasn’t expecting that at all. Not at all.

This wasn’t supposed to happen to ME. I’m healthy and I’m strong. This Wasn’t Supposed To Happen To ME!  Here’s the thing, working out, running, exercising … I’ts such a HUGE part of me and who I am that it’s like breathing … It’s automatic and I just do it. And to have had it taken away just like that … well, it’s like suffocating. It’s as if I can not breathe! It’s as if I am dying. All the while, I’m seething. I’m mad at myself for whatever it is that I did to cause this. I’m mad at God for allowing this to happen to ME. I’m mad because I have to have surgery to repair this. I’m mad because there is no other way to fix it. If I leave it alone, it may take years for it to heal or not ever heal correctly. If I get it fixed, it may not be the same either. I’m worried. I’m upset. I’m sad. I’m all discombobulated. While I wait, I’m not allowed to do anything, more specifically, I can’t do anything because the range of motion in my left knee is so limited and because it’s so unstable. Trust me, I tried.  I tried and all it did was get out of joint and cause my lower leg to collapse underneath me. I do have exercises that my Physical Therapist has me doing to keep the muscles in my quad and around my knee strong, but it’s really not the same. I haven’t had a good sweat in three weeks.

Other things are happening all around me also – the biggest things being that my mother-in-law is very ill, and my daughter still has further testing to endure to determine the cause of her seizures. So in actuality, my knee is the very least serious of all the problems happening in my world. So I cannot and will not cry or moan or complain, because I know that my knee injury could be so much worse. As it is now, aside from it’s instability, I have absolutely NO pain. I do have pain occasionally when it gets out of alignment, but I’m pretty good about keeping it in the brace and I’ve found a way to compress it so it’s actually stable for the majority of the time.

My Orthopedic Surgery consult happens in a couple days.  I’ve got a ton of questions running thru my head that I need to get down on paper.  My playing research detective on the web isn’t doing me any justice, neither is talking to others.  What I’ve learned is that the majority of people that I’ve spoken to that have had any kind of knee surgery have had positive experiences and good results and have healed well.  Everyone’s knees are different, everyone’s musculature is different, every injury is different.  No one is the same. So what’s happening here is that I’m psyching myself out and causing unnecessary anxiety. It’s causing me to over-think and plan for things that I really can’t plan because I don’t know what will happen.

I know that my injury is not life threatening, but it’s still an injury and it still matters to me. I know that I cannot burden others with my miscellaneous whinings about how upset I am when there are others out there suffering.  I met a fellow gym rat yesterday who herniated C4 and C5 and has to see a neurosurgeon. There are so many with problems much more serious, so my thinking is what right do I have to say anything? But it matters to ME. It doesn’t make it any less serious because of the fact that it’s not life threatening. Pretending is exhausting, but the truth is, I haven’t been sleeping.  I’m actually NOT sleeping. I’m not tired enough at the end of the day to go to sleep, and when I finally do fall asleep, it’s already time to get up. I’m tired of pretending that it’s all okay when in reality it’s NOT. The truth is, is that I’m just as scared as if it were life threatening because being active is all that I know. My lack of activity has affected me greatly. I no longer have an outlet to work out my daily frustrations and excess energy. I miss sweating and working out so hard that I get to the point where I want to puke. I feel defeated. I feel lost. I feel as if I seriously want to just lay down and die.  Overdramatic much? I know, but it’s how I feel so you don’t get to discount my feelings because I seem overdramatic to you. You do not live in my body. You do not know what or how I feel. You do not perceive things as I do. I work hard to only put up a positive front and not say a negative word about this whole thing.  I go to work, and I get by everyday without complaint. So if I want to be overdramatic on my blog if I choose to, then I will.  I am allowed to grieve. It is in the grieving that I can leg go and regroup.

I was hopeful that April would bring some showers to wash away the yuck that March brought. Rain is usually symbolic for the washing away of, or cleansing of our problems and troubles. There’s still time, April is not quite over yet. I’m still hopeful. My little blog was helpful in my catharsis and the letting go and letting me let go of the things that I cannot control

4 more days until my Ortho surgery consult. Four more days … Until then, I will remind myself of this …

What's done is done. Time to just Suck It Up and move forward.
What’s done is done. Time to just Suck It Up and move forward.

To be continued …

*** Update *** I had my Ortho Surgery consult last Friday and it wasn’t as bad as the MRI made it out to seem. I mean, it’s still bad ’cause I’m injured, but the Ortho Surgeon was able to ease my anxiety a little. Next up … Surgery. Gonna schedule it soon. Can you hear that?  It’s me breathing a sigh of relief and the weight being lifted off my shoulders. Once again … To Be Continued …

March Madness … Row. Row. Style

March. March. March. When did you sneak up on me?  Seems like just yesterday it was 2012 and I was wondering where the year had gone, looking forward to the new year, and penning out my 2013 intentions.  Now here we are with the first quarter of the year gone by and I’m still wondering where the hell is time going?

206When they say that March roars in like a lion they weren’t lying!  If we were hoping for a slight reprieve from our insane month of February, March wasn’t going to let up at all.  Two more birthdays – for my middle boys who are way into their teenage years now. As nice as it is to celebrate their special days, it’s somewhat bittersweet at the same time knowing that they’re both getting older, bigger, stronger, and that much closer to going away to college. I love my boys!

"Official!"
“Official!”

March 6th also denoted the beginning of the CrossFit Games Open! I signed myself up to participate because I knew that wherever I was to workout, we’d be doing all of the Open WODs (workout of the day) anyway, and because I really wanted to see how and where I ranked fitness-wise amongst other women my age who were also participating. I needed a challenge and thought that this would be perfect!

Here’s how the Open Workouts goes … For 5 weeks, every new workout is posted on Wednesday.  No one except for those at CrossFit Headquarters knows what the workouts consist of, so it’s a surprise to everyone as we all learn about it at the same exact time, no sooner.  The Open Workouts are open for everyone to participate in, but only those who register for a $20 fee can post their scores on the Leader Board and see how they rank in their age group Regionally and World Wide.

201
13.1 – Today I Will Kill It!

3/6 Open Workout 13.1 – Burpees and Statch Ladder. 40 burpees, 30 snatches at 45#; 30 burpees, 30 snatches at 75#; 20 burpees, 30 snatches at 100#; 10 burpees, 30 snatches at 120#. The weight for the snatches are the women’s weight, for the men, it was 75#, 135#, 165#, and 210#.  Your total score equals the number of reps that you complete in the alloted time of 17 minutes.  My score = 132 (40, 30, 30, 30, +2).

13.2 Oh My WOD!!!
13.2 Oh My WOD!!!

3/13 Open Workout 13.2 – An AMRAP (as many reps/rounds as possible) in the alloted time of 10 minutes: 55# Shoulder to Overhead x 5 reps, 55# Deadlift x 10 reps, then 15 box jumps onto a 20″ box.  I did this workout twice. The first time I totaled up a score of 208, the second time around I bettered my scored by 15 taking it up to 223.  This workout was taxing for me.

Photobombed before the start!
Photobombed before the start!

In the meantime … Sacramento’s annual ShamRock’n Half was scheduled on 3/17.  I headed up to Sac with my friend, Anitra, and we ran thru the streets of Sacramento.  The course was different this year again. It was better, nicer, as we ran on all the bridges! I enjoyed the run. I had a good time, just running. I caught up to my friend, Claudia at around mile 6 and we ran together to at or around mile 8.5 where I lost her. The run seemed effortless for me, but I wasn’t really pushing it at all,  just cruising, lolligagging. 10 minute potty break in the middle really cut into my time! I still desire to hit the sub-2 goal, but this wasn’t the race for it. As much as I love this run and the weather was perfect, there’s still time to catch that goal!

13.3 take one - Wallballin'
13.3 take one – Wallballin’
13.3 take 2 - with my friend, Sarah.
13.3 take 2 – with my friend, Sarah.

3/20 Open Workout 13.3 – in 12 minutes, complete as many rounds/reps as possible of: 150 WallBalls 14#, 90 Double Unders, and 30 muscle ups.  As much as I hated this workout, I did this one twice also – back to back.  The first time taxed me so much that I gassed out by 50 wallballs and wanted so much to die! But I gutted it out and got thru it with a score of 224. I knew I could do better so I went back the next day and bettered my score by 12 taking me up to 236. I wanted so much to finish up all my double unders! Gah!  Oh well.

3/27 Open Workout 13.4 … here’s where it gets ugly … Clean and Jerks and Toes To Bar Ladder. 3 clean and jerks x 95#, 3 Toes to Bar, then 6 C & Js, 6 T2Bs, then 9, 12, 15, 18 in 7 minutes, if you are able to hit all 18 in 7 minutes, you can go to 21. If you hit 21, you can go to 24, etc. Okay … I did this workout, but I “failed” at the same time. You see, I could do the clean and jerks at 95#. It’s a little heavy for me, but I tried and I did. I got my 3/3 reps in. I was working on the second round when … “POP!” I went down! It felt as if some thing hit me … HARD to the left side of my knee. I thought that my weight came off and hit me, but it was intact, so I gathered myself up and tried to get up, but my leg would not let me. My trainer, Jeff, came over to me and yelled at me to stay down. I wanted to cry because I didn’t know what was happening. All I knew was that I was seriously injured. I gathered my things, and thankfully had thrown the knee sleeves that my friend, Bill, had given to me in my workout bag. I’m not sure why I did, I just remember that I saw them on the table and I grabbed them. Thank God I did because otherwise I would not have been able to drive home. My leg was that unstable.

I got home that evening, walked to my bedroom, and cried. Yep, I cried. I never cry. I didn’t cry because I hurt, because I was in no pain. I cried because I knew that whatever had just happened was serious and I was down and out of everything for a long time. I knew.

In the morning, I had a Physical Therapy appointment with my PT for my shoulder that was still bugging me. While there, I asked him to just look at my knee and tell me what he thought. He looked and “tested” it out and by the look on his face, I knew I was really in deep doo doo! He didn’t have to say anything, but I could tell. He told me that he wanted me to get in to see Ortho immediately, get an x-ray, etc. I knew it wasn’t broken, and I knew that an x-ray wouldn’t show any soft tissue damage. I was thankful to have gotten in the “earliest” appointment which was on the following Tuesday. Meanwhile, I had to work the entire weekend with this injured knee! Poor knee.

March Madness … literally madness.  Just know that I was NOT able to finish out the CrossFit Open.  Here’s how it went down though … World Wide in my age group, I finished 1,494 (6,675 overall in women up to age 54).  Regionally, that’s Nor Cal, I finished 96 (452 overall in women up to age 54). My goal was top 100, so I did reach this goal even without completing the entire 13.4 WOD, or doing any of the 13.5 WOD.  Chris said that I should’ve at least tried to get one rep in for 13.5, but that one rep could’ve just tore my entire knee up so … NO! I’m pretty impressed with myself. I did well for someone who is full of self-doubt and has been plagued with injuries. I can only imagine where I would have finished had I remained injury free. If you want to see my complete stats, you can view them here.

The saga of my knee continues … March Madness has come to an end, and hopefully takes the madness along with it and replaces it with some goodness in the form of April showers. They do say that showers (rain) is a form of cleansing … That’s exactly what I’m looking for.

While my training is at a standstill, I ask that you still continue to Train HARD. Train SMART. Eat WELL. And most of all have FUN!!! Train for those who cannot. Train for me because you know that I want so much to be out there gettin’ it done!