They say that there’s always a first time for everything. They also say that in running or racing DNF trumps DNS. Yeah, well, for the first time EVER, I DNS’d my first race. Not just any race, but my very first and only marathon of the year, The California International Marathon. Sucks.

It wasn’t intentional. I had signed up in June after collaboratins with my girlfriend, Judy. We were going to run as we did last year – just for fun, train together, etc. Well, when we weren’t looking December came upon us quickly. I mean really fast. We hadn’t seriously trained, but we were going to run anyway.

The week of prior to the marathon, the weather was wet … Rain storm after rain storm, and it was wet all over. No biggie, we’d done this before, Judy and I.  We carefully watched the weather reports and knew that there was no getting around it, it was going to be a cold and wet run. So we prepped.

On Friday we became indecisive. I was iffy, Judy was iffy. We were sure that we would do it one minute, then unsure the next. I had Chris take me to packet pick up on Friday. We had a good time at the expo, hitting all the vendors. I got a cute outfit, played games, got free stuff …

On Saturday Judy bailed. She told me that she hadn’t trained and the weather was not the best. I wanted to bail too, but my husband knows me. He told me that I was going to run regardless because I wasn’t one to give up. So … I relented. I was going to run, even if I ran alone. So I went out – I picked up some Shot Blox at Sports Authority, then since I had joked that I would run with a floatie and goggles, we hit the pool supply store where Chris was able to find me a flotation device and some goggles. It was while we were at the pool supply store that our Suburban died. It literally died. It would not start. We had to call for a tow truck and for our son to pick us up and take us home. It was then that my fate for running CIM was decided for me. I would not run. It was as if my car knew that my heart was not set on running it, and it stopped running right then and there as if to say, “Row., you know you don’t want to do it, so don’t.” So I took it as my sign. My friends bailed, I was indecisive, and then my car died …

I had never DNS’d a race. I’ve run races while sick, while injured, with a poor attitude.  I’ve run in inclement weather – scorching hot, and even pouring down Tusnami like weather. This wasn’t an issue, but I really didn’t have my heart set on running. It sucked to make that decision, but I truly believe that it was the right decision for me. Let me tell you though, I felt somewhat sick. I felt as if disapproving, judgmental eyes were staring me down, looking at me, shaking their heads and thinking that I was a wimp. I am not a wimp. I don’t care what other people think, but it’s funny that I would automatically believe that people were talking about me.  In my head, for a few moments, I had visions and heard voices of what people were thinking and saying. Just for a moment. I had to remind myself that these people were probably not even thinking about me, that I was just making things up in my head. It was just for a short moment, but for that moment it stung a little and it hurt.  I’m a strong woman, and I’m not a quitter, but I’m also human and I have to admit that it did hurt, but it wasn’t to be, I was not supposed to run that race. I had to remind myself that this may not be the one and only time that I DNS a race. I had to remind myself that I had many more races to run. This may have been the first, but it may not be the last … so I best just learn to go with the flow and be easier on myself. A DNS does not define who I am. Life goes on … I just have to keep moving forward …

I ache.  Everyday, I ache.  I’m sore all the time, everywhere.  My legs hurt.  Hurts to walk. Hurts to sit. Hurts to stand.  My shoulders hurt at times – sometimes to the point where I cannot even brush my own hair or lift my arms overhead.  My stomach aches.  I am constantly in a state of “pain,” it’s mostly acute, but it’s so often that it could be chronic. Listening to me, I sound like an old lady with a bunch of aches and pains.  Just me reading this description makes me think of an old lady with chronic ailments, and I laugh.  I’m talking about myself though.  I relish in my body’s soreness.  I would only rate my stiffness and soreness a 1-2 on a 0-10 pain scale.  I don’t complain about how slow I move because I am moving, and in reality, I don’t move slow at all.

I am a nurse.  I’ve seen and cared for people who come into the ER with complaints of “chronic pain.”  It’s mostly women who come in, late 20’s, early 30’s or 40’s, who have generalized body pain, tenderness to their joints, muscles, tendons, and what not.  These women always have chronic body aches and stiffness, and most times they also have chronic migraine headaches, and even depression. It’s so bad at times for these women that they are not able to function – they can’t take care of their families, nor can they go to work, and at times cannot even take care of themselves.  It’s so sad to watch these women come into the ER accompanied by their young children who appear to be taking care of their mother.  That’s the hardest part for me.

Here is what I can tell you though … The women that I have been taking care of, who come into the ER ALL THE TIME, we call them “frequent flyers,” “repeaters,” and other things like that.  I can tell you that these women are getting younger, and YOUNGER … Seriously, the youngest I have cared for so far has been 15 years old.  FIFTEEN!!!  These women know how to put up a very LOUD fuss – at times sounding like a cross between a laboring or actively dying cow, and I don’t know what.  They’re allergic to every medication except for certain “special” narcotics and anti-emetics.  And it’s sad.  Sad because we in the medical profession know that there is a diagnosis that Doctors give to their patients when they don’t know what the fuck is wrong with them!  It’s a joke to us.  Seriously, it’s a bullshit diagnosis.  Don’t get me wrong, there may well be something “wrong” with these patients, however, we just don’t know what it is. It drives me beyond crazy to medicate these individuals with some hardcore narcotics.  There is NO medication in the world that can cure these individuals.  Some of these women demand, DEMAND narcotic doses that would kill a horse!

Now … Let me tell you about me … I am a 40 something year old woman who is always in some kind of pain.  Seriously, not a day has gone by since the day that I was born that I can remember waking up completely pain free.  Well, okay, maybe since I was in 4th grade, not since birth. I am an athlete and everyday some part of my body aches.  My shoulders from doing shoulder presses.  My chest from push-ups.  My glutes and hammies from squats, squats, and even more squats.  My legs in general from running.  I have had really bad plantar fascitis so my feet hurt or ache.

There are days when I cringe to just even brush my hair or teeth, or walk slower than normal and look “funny” doing so.  Some days it hurts to sit, or hurts to stand.  Something – always something.  But what do I do about these aches and pains? Nothing.  99% of the time, I do nothing.  Okay, okay … I use a lot of ice and Biofreeze or Ben Gay.  On a rare occasion, I will take a Tylenol or a couple Motrins.  But most days, I do NOTHING … I suck it up and keep moving.  I still take care of my family.  I still go to work. And … AND I still go and workout, regardless.  I will workout thru pain.  I push my little body quite hard.  I push it so hard and expect so much from it.  I am seriously thankful that my little body can take quite a beatin’ and continue to support me everyday.  My little body is STRONG!  It’s rewards? Well, now instead of doughy, sugary treats such as a donut or cake that I would really enjoy … I remind my little body that it’s rewards are the thighs that don’t rub together to try and start a fire, or the shoulders that are shapely, the calves that are TDF (to die for), and a body that’s going to last me for a very LONG time.  I remind my body that it is healthy and strong, much healthier and stronger than so many young people.  I remind my body that it is rewarded with an occasional massage, monthly Chiropractic visits to my

favorite Chiropractor, and weekly visits to my Accupuncturist. I live with “chronic” pain – mostly in the form of Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness (DOMS), and minor annoying injuries.  It’s all in my head.  All of it.  I do this to myself.  I do it because I like this kind of self-torture.  I love the feeling that my muscles are sore and tore up.  I do it because it actually makes me feel alive. Call me a masochist, it’s okay.

So … I guess if I whined enough, I could sound like a woman with “chronic pain syndrome.” I have some empathy for these women.  I know it’s not fair or even nice to compare myself with someone who is “sick” when here I am with my crazy aches and pains.  I mean, I would not know what to do with myself if I physically were debilitated to the point where I could not workout, or move, or do anything except lay there.  I would fall into a deep depression.  I would feel somewhat suicidal.  I would feel sick – possibly so sick that it would cause me to be even sicker.  I workout as an outlet for myself.  I workout to keep my body in good condition.  I workout to look good, feel good, to be able to eat what I wish.  I do not wish sickness or disease on anyone … I sometimes wonder how these women got to the point where they can no longer function.  They cringe at me when I suggest exercise to help them, and they literally cringe and balk at the mere suggestion of a short walk.  It’s quite amusing and very frustrating at the same time because I feel as if I’m wasting my breath as they seem to like their life as it is.  They must be getting something from it.  It’s as if they have given up on themselves and  on life in general.  I refuse to be one of those people. I would never wish this painful life on anyone, ever.

I really have no words of wisdom for anyone.  I was just sitting here in an ER full of patients whose complaints were “Generalized All Over Body Aches” when I was aching and could barely move without cringing myself.  Then I thanked God that I was achy, that I could feel, that I had feeling in my limbs, that I could run, jump, lift, push, pull, punch, kick … because it means that I am alive and moving. Here’s my prescription for you …

**It’s not my intent to hurt anyone’s feeling, or to demean anyone because of their chronic pain.  I truly do have empathy for people, and as I said, I would never, NEVER wish this on anyone.  In all seriousness, I do understand, and I do only wish health and happiness for all of my patients. If I have offended you, I apologize wholeheartedly.**

Twenty two years ago, I was a young college graduate, not really “just” starting my life, but moving forward onto bigger and better things. I was about to deliver my first child, a child for which I had prayed and longed for for as long as I could remember.  I was excited and happy and ready.  I had waited for what seemed my whole life for this event, and I knew that it would be of epic proportions.  Little did I know what life and God had in store for me!

My Samuel came into this world, wide-eyed and ready to go.  He was always one to do things early – talking at 6 months, walking at 9 months, speaking in full sentences by the time he was one.  I knew … I knew that he was smarter than the average child, and I’m not saying that just because I am his mother and I’m biased, I write the truth.  He could write his full name by the time he started preschool.  He took things apart, and could put them back together.  He could ride a two wheeled bike with no training wheels by the time he was three.  Always running, always going, always talking, asking questions, but always ready to settle down and be held and read to him.  We read a lot together.  By the time he was six, he was reading series of books, Goosebumps, to name one. Barnes and Noble was our second home, and still is to this day.

He had a wild imagination. Always making things up, sometimes in life also, getting himself into some mischief. But he was always a good boy.  ALWAYS.  Model student, straight A’s, in the band, swim team, water polo.  I never had to bug him to do his homework, it was always done.

From the time he was a small child, it was always drilled into his head that he would go to college – no ifs, ands or buts … He would go, but he never questioned it, he just knew that he would go, and he wanted to go.  He graduated from high school with an outrageous GPA or 4.85, at the top 5% of his class, and was accepted to several colleges, but chose Fresno State because his friends had also chosen this school.

His college years were, in his words, fairly easy.  Much easier then the rigorous International Baccalaurate (IB) that he was enrolled in during high school.  He chose Journalism as his major, no surprise here as he is an excellent writer, and Japanese as his minor.  He continued to get good grades, got the internships that he needed in his chosen field of study.  He worked his junior and senior year for the Medonta Paper, then the Fresno Bee, and the college paper.

I’m not sure how it happened though.  All I know is that I received a text message from him one day asking to borrow some money to purchase his cap and gown?!?  Oh my God!  I’m not sure when exactly he was set to graduate from college.  COLLEGE? Really? When did this happen? This was for real! I mean, I knew that it would happen someday, just not so quickly.  I had to think quickly.  I had to get into the right mindset, you know, the mindset of a mother who is about to have a child graduate from COLLEGE!!!  What the heck?

His graduation from high school didn’t bother me as I knew that he would still be dependent on me, that we would still be connected, still be my “baby.” This was BIG though … COLLEGE! Wow! This would be the event that would cut the apron string that connects us, although I know that he will always need me, this would be the event that would make him into a “man.”  And just this thought, brought tears to my eyes that rarely sheds them.  This event that would be a happy, exciting event, would tug at my heartstrings, and cause me to wonder if I did a good enough job with him, for him?

At the Mass Media and Communications Commencement on Friday, he was awarded the Outstanding Print Journalism Student Award.  His professor, Dr. Rice, gave an excellent speech about how he has grown as a student of journalism. It was an amazing feeling to know that someone has watched over him during his time at Fresno State, and watched him grow as a person into his chosen field of study.  I felt very proud of my child, who has worked so hard to achieve all that he has.

Where did the time go though? It seems like just yesterday, I was pregnant with this rambunctious little boy. It seems like just yesterday I had delivered him into the world and held onto him for as long as I could, rocking him to sleep every night.  It seems like just yesterday that I read him countless numbers of books before bedtime.  It seems like just yesterday that we shared our love for the Harry Potter series and would have to buy two of each book that came out because we both wanted to read them at the same time and were not willing to wait!  I grew up with him.  He was my buddy, my first born, the one person I have loved the LONGEST in my life.  And here he was … graduating from COLLEGE trying to make his Mama cry!!!

Unbelieveable!  But … I kid …

I am extremely, EXTREMELY proud of my child.  He has brought me nothing except joy in my life, and it has been such an honor to be his mother.  It has been a pleasure to watch him grow from a small infant into a smart, confident, handsome young man.

Writing this blog post reminds me so much of the book Love You Forever by Robert Munsch that we read together over and over and over for years.  The lines, “I’ll love you forever.  I’ll like you for always.  As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.” ring true and close to my heart as I remember holding my baby close reading that book to him.

As he moves forward and starts into the next phase of his life, it is somewhat bittersweet to know that he’s gotten older when I only wished for him to stay a small child so I could continue to hold his hand.  I wish him much happiness.  I pray for his continued success.  I look forward to see what the future holds for my baby boy.  God please continue to shine down on my son.  Watch over him, protect him, keep him safe.  May he always know that I love him dearly and would do anything for him.  May he always know that I will always provide him with a soft place to fall.  May he always know that I did the best that I knew how for him with what I had.

Thank you, God, for blessing me with this incredible child.  Thank you for trusting me enough to be his mother.  And to my Samuel … I will always, ALWAYS love you, son.  Always.

At the beginning of the year, I took the time and wrote out some things that I intended and aspired to achieve this year.  As I amped up my training, I knew that achieving some of these goals would be of epic proportions!  Some seemed far-fetched, others seemed silly, and yet others appeared to be waaaay out of reach.  Yet, they are my goals, and I didn’t believe that they are far-fetched, silly, or way out reach.  As I had written them, I whole heartedly believed that each and every thing that was written was well within my reach and definitely achievable.

2012 began full of promise, although I was nursing a shoulder injury that would not let up, or appeared to not want to heal.

The first quarter of 2012 ended so badly that I lost focus and had to reset myself.  I continued to run and do whatever I could when I felt that I was capable of doing so.  I still went to Crossfit when I could, I kickboxed still, and I even ran all of my races in March literally gagging and coughing before each race. I had gotten so sick at the end March that I literally could not get out of bed, let alone run or do any sort of exercise without being winded.  I had a really bad cough and sinus congestion, that eventually progressed to full blown bronchitis!

In April, I ran in Elk Grove without much incident, but the following week I had committed to running Hollywood with my gal pal Alexis.  I should have bowed out of this race.  I should have just let it go, and DNS’d it.  But I was committed.  I should have been committed instead.  I was sick as could be.  Fever with sweats, coughing, diff breathing … it was BAD … So bad that I broke down and asked a doc to write me a script for antibiotics! I should’ve just let it go.  That was the worst “run” ever … But it was fun.

Two weeks after Hollywood, I felt well enough to start training again.  Slowly but surely getting back into a routine, although somewhat sporadic. I took the time to start seeing an accupuncturist about my “issues,” and I had finally gone in to see my Physical Therapist, Todd, who diagnosed my “shoulder” problem as a rib joint problem.  Wow!  Who would’ve thought.  So I began working on the exercises that were prescribed to me and low and behold … the pain got better.  A LOT better!  The range of motion in my right arm had improved significantly and I could even do a lot of the moves that I was “restricted” from doing – such as overhead presses, etc.  However … I ran a race at the end of April on uneven pavement and ended up injuring BOTH of my ankles!  BOTH! Can you believe it? Although it seems as if I can’t catch a break, I don’t look at it that way.  I believe that everything happens for a reason.

May started off with a BANG!  I had a really good workout and felt like a million bucks.  I could tell that my shoulder was getting stronger.  My feet were a slightly different story, but I know that they’ll get better. Aside from running the Diva Half in SF, I have been really good about keeping my feet wrapped, compressed, soaked, and whatever needs to be done to expedite it’s healing.  I can tell you that I have forgone any running – even short distances in the meantime. I’ve been rowing instead of running. But I still continue to train.  My trainer still pushes me hard during our sessions.  He know that I am capable of so much more.  He tells me all the time that there IS a beast inside of me, and once my beast is unleashed there will be no turning back. I roll my eyes and laugh at him, and I mutter under my breath during the workouts, “Beast.  Heh.  Whatever.”

Recently though something’s been happening … I feel that beast of mine.  I feel her attempting to escape, to get out.  She has been poking her head out here and there … slowly, silently, like the Ninja that I believe I am … I believe that my beast is also.  When she makes an appearance it’s subtle … It’s a weight or a move that I poo-poohed never believing that I could lift it or do it, or a race that’s run where I hit an unbelievable time. Recently, she reared her not so ugly head when I was told to do a pull up. Mind you, I could bust out strict pull-ups not that long ago, but in recent years my upper body strength has waned. But … I hoisted myself onto that bar thinking, “Yeah, this isn’t happening …” But I would try. I would try because I had set a goal.  I would try because I trust my trainer.  I would try because … Because I heard a voice that said, “You can.”  Once I heard the voice, the voice that I knew was my Ninja Beast … I did it.  And I did it over and over and over … without difficulty.

I’m slaying dragons, accomplishing my goals, one at a time with my Ninja Beast that lays low inside of me.  Look out though, cause like my trainer says, when she’s unleashed, there is no telling what I CAN and WILL accomplish.

It’s no secret that I’m a little crazy.  No secret.  For me to sign up for back to back races is no big deal. I get a lot of crazy looks, and some sarcastic comments, but I’m used to that by now so I don’t react or respond. That’s their opinion, and what they think has nothing to do with me …

It is crazy, but like I said, I am crazy but in a good way.  I’ve already discussed obsessed vs. addicted, and have decided that I am neither.  I am enthusiastic and dedicated to my fitness … I am committed.  I’ve been fortunate also to have been blessed with free and discounted entry fees into some really cool races. I can’t complain … I’ve run some really cool races this year and have been having a lot of FUN!  This weekend was no different.

Saturday you would’ve found my clan and I in Lathrop at the first annual Survivor Mud Run NorCal.  I was able to score two entries via Schwaggle for Chris and I!  We were “IN.”  However, at the last minute, Chris was unable to get Friday night off, so my boy, Noah, stepped in and took his Dad’s place.  It was cool though, as my friend, Alexis, was running with her boys, and one of her son’s, Connor, is friends with Noah. It was an awesome morning of fun!  We were in the second wave and we had a lot of fun!  3.5 miles with 16 obstacles!  Yeah!  Too much fun!

I found the course to be fairly easy.  After the uphill start, then the downhill led us straight to the first obstable … mud crawl!  There were several mud pits, a cargo net climb, plank walk, tires, heavy net, monkey bars, pipe crawl, stair runs, rope web … It was all fun and crazy.  The only thing was was that I ran alone because my friend, Alexis was running with Lisa, and my Noah was running with Connor and another friend, Matthew.  I am okay running alone, ’cause really, I’m not ever really “alone.”  I met some really nice people along the way as I ran an encouraged those that I passed.  Also, I forget that people recognize my crazy self, and my friends working the water station recognized me immediately!  I really had a great time.  One of the most memorable moments was running by some women, saying a few words of encouragement, only for them to tell me, “Your shirt is awesome! And your ass rocks, too!” That fueled me for the rest of the run and I just had a lot of fun! A lot of people were surprised that I had enough energy to encourage people.  Heehee … don’t they know that I’m usually just talking to myself?!

My stats were pretty good for the run.  I felt that it could’ve been so much better had people actually moved over and along for the obstacles ’cause I zipped thru all the obstacles, but a lot of my time was wasted waiting for others whining and worrying how they were gonna get thru!  Really? Ah, well … It was all for fun, yes, but I’m a little competitive. I was happy to have my brother, Patrick, and my sister-in-law, Camille there.  This was their first race, and they had a great time!  My brother was pretty excited.

For an inaugural/first event in Lathrop, it was well organized.  I’m sure it’s because of the fact that the event was held at Dell Oso Farms which has holds a yearly Corn Maze every Halloween that attracts thousands upon thousands of people from all over NorCal.  Packet pickup was organized, as was parking.  I enjoyed the post-race expo and the food court.  I love that my local Fleet Feet (Fleet Feet Stockton) was there and that I got an ice bath for my feet that was awesome!

Thanks to my friends at On Your Mark Events, Chris and I were fortunate enough to gain entry into the Inaugural Napa Valley Silverado Half Marathon on Sunday.  We were planning to run San Louis Obispo, but for one reason or another, it just didn’t workout.  This half in Calistoga was perfect.  The size was right, too!

0400 came quickly!  Chris and I left pretty early because we were unsure of the traffic.  Fortunately the drive was uneventful, and again, this event was well organized for an inaugural!  We were able to stop for our customary Starbucks breakfast and rest for a minute before the race started.  There were enough porta potties to accomodate everyone.  Same day race registration seemed to go easily for those who decided to run at the last minute.

The race started on the track of the high school.  We wrapped around the track once and headed out onto the road which would eventually lead us to Silverado Road – the main road for this half which was an out and back.  It was an awesome run – all rolling hills, beautiful scenery, water/aid stations every 1.5 – 2 miles that were well stocked and had happy volunteers!  I enjoyed looking at all the beautiful houses, the rows upon rows of grape vineyards, and counted the seemingly endless spas.  I talked to other runners, and encouraged them as we ran together.  Can’t forget that there were a good amount of Calistoga Police and CHP officers there – and they did a great job of directing traffic and keeping us safe on the road.

For the most part, I ran this race “alone” … Silverado Road was closed to the public, so I was able to run the entire race down the middle, following the yellow double lines that separated the lanes.  I really enjoyed running the lines – following it the entire way, although it probably was not the smartest thing as the road was slightly crooked.  Another thing I enjoyed was seeing my shadow as I ran – crazy bouncing pony tail, but steady, and strong body.  I ran behind a really nice girl for the majority of the race from about mile 3 to close to the end. I would learn at around mile 10 that her name was Becky, and I thanked her for letting me run beside and behind her.  She was equally grateful to have run behind me “following my wings” from mile 7 until mile 10 then we ran together until the end with another runner named Jason.  It was fun running behind Becky as her gait is more like a “prance.”  She runs on her tip toes.  She was very sweet, and I had a nice time running with her and Jason.  As the race was an out and back, we ran together on the track towards the finish line and high-fived each other at the end.

I was happy to see Chris after I hit the turn around of “the big tree.” He looked like he was doing okay, trucking away, and he laughed as he passed me saying, “I feel as if I’m running the wrong way.”  Neither one of us is fond of out and back runs, but it was still a really nice run.  The playlist that I had made for this run was absolutely perfect.  I really enjoyed be-boppin’ and singin’ along to what I had on my iPod.

The only complaint that I had about this half, and there was NOTHING that any race director or anyone could do about it – was that it was tooooooo HOT!  Seriously when we started it was already 60s.  I was sweating and huffin’ and puffin’ before we hit mile 1.  I dumped water down the back of my head and down my back at every water stop.  I have learned that I’m very comfortable in 40 – 50 degree weather.  60s and above not so much if I’m running long distances.  I’ve gotten really good at gauging the temps and knowing what to wear.  It’s funny because I can tell you that I have worn capris for only 2 races this year … I have worn shorts, a tank top, and arm sleeves or a running bolero for every other race I have run.  The weather has just been good to me this year in regards to running.  That and, like I said, I’ve gotten really good at figuring out what I’m comfortable in.

The post race hydration and nutrition tent was well stocked.  I drank cups of cold water, and ate some really good snacks.  I sat in the shade for awhile, waiting for Chris, and got to know other runners who also sat beside me.  When I saw Chris, I got up and took his picture, and he asked me to run to the finish with him which I thought was really sweet.  So I ran beside him around the track as he made his way around to the finish line.  It was a nice, fun gesture, and I truly enjoyed running beside him.

Can’t complain.  I had a really great time at both runs! I’d do them both again!  I had an awesome weekend! Next up for me is the San Francisco Divas Run.  My racing schedule can be found here.  It’s going to be a fun, fun summer!  You ready?  Let’s gooooo ….