It’s been a rough week for me … AGAIN. I know. I’ve had a lot of rough weeks lately. And I get it … I know that we all have good days and bad days, and good weeks and bad weeks, but for me it seems as if the “good” days are fewer and FAR between. It’s actually been happening to me for awhile, but I’ve been trying hard to stave it off and convince myself otherwise. Over the last few weeks I have been trying to trick myself that this IS what I want to do, that I love this … and I DO, but it’s gotten a little difficult. Therefore, I have made the decision to hang up my running shoes for an indefinite period of time.
It may sound as if I am whining, but the fact is is that I am NOT happy running. I haven’t been for a LONG time. I do it because it seems like the right thing to do, because my friends do it … That’s NOT good enough anymore. It has become more of a chore than that of something fun to do. The decision to hang up my shoes was an easy one because I’m not going to force myself to do something that is not fun. I need to do this for me. I need to do this MY way …
Running is “WHAT” I do. Running is NOT “WHO” I am.
I had several realizations while running the San Francisco Marathon – First Half. I realized that I was seriously unhappy with all this running that I have been doing. I realized that this is NOT what I desire to be doing all the time. I realized that I was not enjoying myself at all, and that it has been harder and harder to find the joy in running itself. I feel as if I am regressing rather than progressing. I also realized the sacrifices that my husband and family have made in order for me to pursue running all of these races. It has consumed my life. Mile after mile after mile I asked myself, “Why? Why are you torturing yourself as you do?” And it’s just not worth it when I have to ask myself that. I have never wanted to “DNF” a race more than I did as I ran through the streets and over the Golden Gate Bridge of San Francisco.
When you do something it should be fun, not something that feels like a chore. If you have to force yourself to do something you really need to reevaluate your reasons. Right now, I’m overwhelmed, burnt out, overloaded, and I’ve just hit max capacity. I know that if I don’t hang up my shoes, I’ll use the laces to hang myself, and that’s just not going to happen because death by hanging is NOT a pretty site. Trust me on this one, I’ve seen a few hangings in my day.
People have told me that I’m too hard on myself. No, that’s not true, if anything I am not hard enough on myself. They have told me that the course for the San Francisco marathon was hard. The course was hard, but it was do able. They said maybe I was coming down with something. Maybe, but in all honestly I have run feeling much worse. They told me that I need to take a week off. Well, no, I need MORE than just a week off. I need to take off as much time as I need to to find myself. I need to regroup and refocus, and I believe that it may take more than a week because I just can’t seem to get it together. I get that there are people out there who would love to be in the position that I am in. I understand that there are others who would love to walk, let alone run. I’m not taking anything for granted. I am thankful that I am able to run. I am thankful and very grateful that I have been blessed with the ability, and the means to do what I do.
I’m not afraid. I’m just tired. Tired of training. Tired of not getting enough rest. Tired of trying to schedule runs into my already busy schedule. I am burnt out. I lack the much needed motivation and have lost whatever mojo that I once had. So I’m just gonna go with the flow for awhile and do what I want and need to do. In all honesty, I know what I need to do. It was as if a light bulb went on as I was writing. But I’m keeping it to myself. For once I’m not injured and forced to be sidelined. I’m sidelining myself. Don’t believe that I’m going to slack off either, because I am so NOT that kind of athlete.
I have 12 more races scheduled and paid for until December. TWELVE! I could take the easy way out and sell my bibs, but I won’t. I’m NOT a quitter. I WILL finish what I started. Besides, I’m not one who’ll just throw money away like that. I’ll run those races, I just won’t advertise which races I am running or that I’m even running. I’m just going to show up and run. I just want to run alone without all the hype, and drama, and chaos that usually comes with every race. I’m going to run incognito. I’m going to do it MY way, and I WILL do it with a happy heart, or not at all.
There is a word that describes what I am feeling … Comprometerese. It’s Spanish and in one of its uses it means to commit to yourself, rather than to compromise yourself. I LOVE this word.