Hypocrisy Runs Amok

The Gym has always been my salvation ... I need to get back in there!
The Gym has always been my salvation … I need to get back in there!

I haven’t been motivated to do much lately when it comes to working out.  I feel as if I’ve given up, and am just taking up space, wasting my time. I know … What happened? I believe that that self-imposed “break” that I took in February, then March, and up to now to reset and regroup set me back a little, and regressed me a little too much because I have found myself lazing a little too much, looking for excuses instead of motivation. Honestly, I feel like a hypocrite … Seriously, talking training and working out, yet doing minimal workouts and eating crap! Ugh.

Text from my trainer, Gabe Subry.
Text from my trainer, Gabe Subry.
Yeah, I know, I know, I know ...
Yeah, I know, I know, I know …

I don’t like myself at the moment. My poor trainer has been working hard to get me back in the box … and I do want to go, but as I’ve said, I’ve been really good at making excuses instead of just sucking it up and going into the box and getting it done. I seriously want to find a magic pill, get some crazy ass surgery … Okay, I’m being sarcastic. I’m not afraid of putting in the work, but I’ve seriously lost my mojo. I’ve lost my drive. Instead hypocrisy is running amok in it’s place. I’ve lost a little of myself. I’m having a hard time, and all I want to do is whine. It used to be so easy for me to just get out there and get things done. It used to be so easy for me to self-motivate and find my own inspiration. I know that my biggest issue is eating poorly, and lack of sleep. I know what I need to do, I just need to suck it up, get myself to the box, and get the work in.  I can do this. I know what I need to do.

What I’ve done to try and kick start myself is to register for a race. I did. I registered for a half that I’ll run in a few weeks … and I’m once again untrained.  I will get myself into the box.  I will stop talking so much and just start putting in the work. I will let the results speak for themselves. I will find motivation. I will find my mojo. I will inspire myself. I will chuck my excuses and kick my own ass.

I see my body and I cringe. I see my body and I see so much potential. I look at myself and I know what I am capable of. Mini but MIGHTY … true story.  Starting NOW. Gotta go … Time to shut the f*ck up and do work. Who wants to come with me? Who wants to hold me accountable? Who wants to just kick my butt?!?

Better get real about fat, or you’re gonna get REAL FAT! ~Dr. Phil

Marathon Training – Week 5 – Chillin’ Like A Villain

It’s week 5, and for me it means that I’m starting over with week 1 of my training plan. It’s kind of hard to explain, but the training plan that I’m using is 18 weeks long, and since I started early (July 1) I was 4 weeks ahead. So … once week 4 was over, I was to start over.

At first I thought that I was being hypocritical by writing this post after I had just posted a blog where I basically said that I was done running for awhile. I didn’t and still don’t want to run “seriously” at this time. But I’m still working out because as I said, I’m not the kind of athlete to just walk away completely. I’m still doing things. I still plan on working hard, just not running hard as I have hung up my running shoes. I think that I got over zealous and put too much pressure on myself with the marathon training and basically petered out.

My last blog post caught the attention of a lot of people. Maybe it was the title, “Hangin’ Up My Shoes.” I don’t know.

MiniRow, MACHine, & Mellie Mel!

A lot of people were worried about me, and wanted to know what happened and why. What can I say? Things happen. Running is such a huge part of my life, but like I said, it’s WHAT I do, not WHO I am. Marathon training is NO joke. It takes up a lot of time and energy. Waking up early to run left me practically listless throughout the rest of the day, leaving me without the needed energy to do much else. I missed my boys baseball games, I didn’t read or play much with my daughter, I still had to work full-time, I couldn’t pick up many shifts at my other job, my husband had to ask for various days off to take me to the races. Mind you, he says that he doesn’t mind, but in a way, I know that he did/does. Then at races, it wasn’t just about running anymore … It was “racing.” I am not a “racer.” I am a runner. Where once running made me happy, it was and is now overwhelming and became more like another job and felt like chore, and I started to resent it. Stepping back was a good choice for me. Once I did, I could feel myself take a huge breath and the weight was somewhat relieved from my shoulders.

On The Golden Gate Bridge.

I was literally running the San Francisco Marathon last Sunday thinking, “WTF am I doing?” I was running amongst all these individuals who were happy and smiling and excited to be there, and here I was … Debbie Downer, so unhappy, and thinking all these negative thoughts. I imploded. No joke … the bomb went off in the middle of San Francisco. I’m surprised that it didn’t take SF out! It was so loud inside my head, I’m surprised that my head didn’t explode like a pumpkin being dropped from a high rise building! I felt lost. I felt as if I was drowning as all of these thoughts flooded my head. And I wanted to cry. But being who I am, I held it together and finished what I started because Row. does NOT cry!

There were many decisions that needed to be made. The first one was telling my running buddies and my marathon training partners that I would not be proceeding as planned with the training plan for now. I will still run CIM in December, however, I needed a break from the training as I reevaluated how I was going to do this because I really had no clue! Holy cow, how the heck am I going to pull off running a marathon without “formal” training? I think that it is better to take some much needed time off rather than force it because as I was feeling in SF, I know that it would only get worse!

So … here’s a recap of my Week 5 training …

Sunday: 13.1 miles through the streets and Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. This is the only time I truly lost it.

Osmin Style! Except I swallowed a lot of water! LOL!

Monday: I relinquished all expectations and control. I decided that I would no longer do what did not serve me or make me happy. So, in the midst of my Mini Meltdown, I took myself to a local tattoo shop and had a tattoo placed on my wrist to remind me. “Comprometerse.” I love this word, and now it is a permanent part of me. As soon as I got it, I felt an IMMEDIATE inner peace and a calming sensation come over me. My workout for today started as a fluke. I was just going to hop in the pool with my fun-loving kiddos. It ended up morphing into something else … 30 minute “swim” (okay, it was more kick boarding) but I hit 1000 yards! 30 minute spin = 9.5 miles. 3.25 mile walk/”jog” intervals (39 mins). My own Mini Tri. It was fun. No stress.

Tuesday: Rest day.

Wednesday: Rest day. Did a lot of self-care today. I got my eyebrows threaded, and I got an hour massage which was awesome!

Thursday: Triple workout!!!  You read correctly – TRIPLE!  Workout number 1 –  Lower body resistance.  Holy mother! Lower body was awesome! Lunges, Squats, Inner/Outer Leg Lifts, Hamstring Curls, Leg Extentions, and Ab Work! Nice! Immediately after came workout number 2, my FAVORITE cardio workout … Awesome workout! Running, Jump Kicks, Burpees, Mountain Climbers, Two Point Burpees, Jacks, and Ab Work! Love it! My trainer, Mikey, ROCKS! He knows how to push me and takes me to puke point. I wasn’t going to stay for yoga, but my friend, Karyn, had asked me, so a third workout it was.  I’m glad I stayed.  My third workout of the day! Very nice – our instructor made it hard, yet peaceful and relaxing in

Not drowning! =)

the end. It was a nice class, just me, my girl Karyn, and the instructor, Alexis. Loved it. The best part of my day was when I walked through the dojo doors and my friends were all saying that they were just talking about me and asking about me. The people that I work out with at American Martial Arts Academy/Central Valley Krav Maga have dubbed me “Front Row.” I try to encourage everyone that I workout with – EVERYONE. If I know your name, you will hear me call you out in class! I love my peeps! LOVE! I am so thankful that I am able to workout with a great bunch of people!

Friday: I really thought about sleeping in, but decided against it at the last minute. As usual, I do what I always do … I get dressed and I head on over to they gym. If I change my mind when I get there, then I don’t go in, but usually by the time I get to the dojo, which is my second home, I’m

Ready for the cycle part of my Mini Tri ...

ready to goooooo and get a good workout in whether I’m tired or not. I don’t workout half assed – ever. If I’m there, I give it 110%. Go big or go home! Anyhow, this morning’s workout was done the resistance bands and the ankle straps (sounds like S&M lol)! Push ups, knee raises, lunges, arms, shoulders, abs, running sprints! Damn, I LOVE this workout! So good for my soul! And to think I *almost* slept in …

Saturday: I worked a full 12 hour night shift. Thought about just going home and crawling into bed, but instead decided to get my workout gear on and do a little bit of something first. So a very slow interval run it was. 5-10 min walking warm-up, then I hit the intervals – slow running/even walking at times, then I picked it up, then walked a cool down. Did this for an hour total and hit just about 5.5 miles. Not bad. Got an arm workout in also which is always nice to get some resistance in along with my cardio. On this run I wore my HR monitor and just watched my HR, made sure it didn’t get close to max. It was HOT, but I wanted to get something in and I did.

Those that know me, know that I am not the kind of athlete to just slack. I’ll always do something because it’s just what I do – even when I’m not training for anything.  I had a very low stress week and I’m happy that I decided to just lay low and not put any kind of pressure onto myself. I am happy with my decision to stay off Twitter and FaceBook. I did lurk a bit, but did no posting. I did post on my new favorite Google+. It was nice to not hear any “voices” and feel no pressure. All in all, it’s been a great week for me. It seems as if when I just let go and relinquish any and all control that I try to harness, that things just fall into place by themselves. As I said, an immediate inner peace and calm washed over me as soon as I posted that I was hanging up my shoes, and after I got my new tattoo. I’m happy. Thanks for a great week, Week 5. Week 6 comin’ up … You ready for me?


Hangin’ Up My Shoes

My Saucony Kinvaras. Just hangin' ... Waiting for me ...

It’s been a rough week for me … AGAIN. I know. I’ve had a lot of rough weeks lately. And I get it … I know that we all have good days and bad days, and good weeks and bad weeks, but for me it seems as if the “good” days are fewer and FAR between. It’s actually been happening to me for awhile, but I’ve been trying hard to stave it off and convince myself otherwise. Over the last few weeks I have been trying to trick myself that this IS what I want to do, that I love this … and I DO, but it’s gotten a little difficult. Therefore, I have made the decision to hang up my running shoes for an indefinite period of time.

It may sound as if I am whining, but the fact is is that I am NOT happy running. I haven’t been for a LONG time. I do it because it seems like the right thing to do, because my friends do it … That’s NOT good enough anymore. It has become more of a chore than that of something fun to do. The decision to hang up my shoes was an easy one because I’m not going to force myself to do something that is not fun. I need to do this for me. I need to do this MY way …

Running is “WHAT” I do. Running is NOT “WHO” I am.

I had several realizations while running the San Francisco Marathon – First Half. I realized that I was seriously unhappy with all this running that I have been doing. I realized that this is NOT what I desire to be doing all the time. I realized that I was not enjoying myself at all, and that it has been harder and harder to find the joy in running itself. I feel as if I am regressing rather than progressing. I also realized the sacrifices that my husband and family have made in order for me to pursue running all of these races. It has consumed my life. Mile after mile after mile I asked myself, “Why? Why are you torturing yourself as you do?” And it’s just not worth it when I have to ask myself that. I have never wanted to “DNF” a race more than I did as I ran through the streets and over the Golden Gate Bridge of San Francisco.

When you do something it should be fun, not something that feels like a chore. If you have to force yourself to do something you really need to reevaluate your reasons. Right now, I’m overwhelmed, burnt out, overloaded, and I’ve just hit max capacity. I know that if I don’t hang up my shoes, I’ll use the laces to hang myself, and that’s just not going to happen because death by hanging is NOT a pretty site. Trust me on this one, I’ve seen a few hangings in my day.

People have told me that I’m too hard on myself. No, that’s not true, if anything I am not hard enough on myself. They have told me that the course for the San Francisco marathon was hard. The course was hard, but it was do able. They said maybe I was coming down with something. Maybe, but in all honestly I have run feeling much worse. They told me that I need to take a week off. Well, no, I need MORE than just a week off. I need to take off as much time as I need to to find myself. I need to regroup and refocus, and I believe that it may take more than a week because I just can’t seem to get it together. I get that there are people out there who would love to be in the position that I am in. I understand that there are others who would love to walk, let alone run. I’m not taking anything for granted. I am thankful that I am able to run. I am thankful and very grateful that I have been blessed with the ability, and the means to do what I do.

I’m not afraid. I’m just tired. Tired of training. Tired of not getting enough rest. Tired of trying to schedule runs into my already busy schedule. I am burnt out. I lack the much needed motivation and have lost whatever mojo that I once had. So I’m just gonna go with the flow for awhile and do what I want and need to do. In all honesty, I know what I need to do. It was as if a light bulb went on as I was writing. But I’m keeping it to myself. For once I’m not injured and forced to be sidelined. I’m sidelining myself. Don’t believe that I’m going to slack off either, because I am so NOT that kind of athlete.

I have 12 more races scheduled and paid for until December. TWELVE! I could take the easy way out and sell my bibs, but I won’t. I’m NOT a quitter. I WILL finish what I started. Besides, I’m not one who’ll just throw money away like that. I’ll run those races, I just won’t advertise which races I am running or that I’m even running. I’m just going to show up and run. I just want to run alone without all the hype, and drama, and chaos that usually comes with every race. I’m going to run incognito. I’m going to do it MY way, and I WILL do it with a happy heart, or not at all.

There is a word that describes what I am feeling … Comprometerese. It’s Spanish and in one of its uses it means to commit to yourself, rather than to compromise yourself. I LOVE this word.

It’s just going to take some time. I need to disconnect for awhile. This is what I need to do for me. So as of today … I’m hanging up my running shoes and taking a much needed running hiatus …Indefinately ...

When Your Heart’s Not In It

I hate to admit that lately it seems as if I have been having more days than I care to admit where I don’t “feel it” during my runs. Try as I might, I run, but it’s just not there. What’s not there? My heart.

I know.  I know.  Everyone has days like this, right?   It’s called burnout and it’s normal to feel like this, right? I’m afraid though that the feeling of loving the runs won’t come back. I feel as if it’s just so hard for me to get out there and get’er done. It sucks when running feels more like a a chore than something that I love and enjoy.

I know that I most likely need to take a break from it and find something else for awhile, but the truth is that I have already committed to running several races in the next couple months.  My Coach had to remind me that I’ve been non-stop since last year!  I just don’t think about it, I just do the work.   So far, for 2011,  I am booked thru May and it’s only January! Yikes! I am not one to back down or bow out of scheduled and paid for races so I will finish what I started.

I know that the feeling will eventually pass, or at least I am hoping and praying that it will. This has happened to me before, just not as intense as it has felt lately. I am confident in my abilities – that is not the issue. I know myself and I know that I WILL finish what I start. I know that I will put forth the work that needs to get done in order for me to improve and that will get me to every finish line.

Maybe that’s what it is … That unwillingness to just let go and let things fall as they may. I’m too caught up in the things that have to be done – the speed work, the LSD runs, etc. It’s starting to feel like work and I’m not liking it very much. It just doesn’t feel “fun” lately and I’m trying to remember what it is that I love about running … and I can’t remember.

I just have to find my heart, get my mojo back. I know it’s there lurking close by. It will eventually. I don’t want running to feel like such a chore. I want it to come easily … Like it did when I was a kid, running free and without a care in the world.

So … I send a heartfelt plea out to the Running Gods, to the Goddess Nike, to anyone that will listen. Bring back the kid-like, carefree days of running to me. The days when running was not chore-like, where I could be seen running and giggling at the same time, moving gracefully, and not caring about form or how my foot strikes. The days when sprinting hard made me laugh breathlessly, versus leaving me gasping for breath with lungs on FIRE! The days when not much thought was put into running and I could run for hours because it was “just running.” Maybe then, if I can be brought back to that place, if I could just feel that carefree happiness again … it would make all this “work” seem worthwhile …

– Posted using BlogPress from my RowPhone =]