Running Code 3

Starting Over

5 June, 2013R. Wallen, R.N.1 Comment

12 hours post injury. Thank God for my knee sleeve!

It’s been 2 weeks days today … Exactly 2 weeks ago I had surgery to repair the knee that I had injured in a fluke. 12 days …

I had been waiting for that day for what seemed like F O R E V E R … So when that day came and went, it was a HUGE relief. It was also a pretty uneventful day. The only “complication” to my surgery was the reshuffling and a slight scramble to make sure someone would be home to meet my daughter when she got off the bus, as my original scheduled surgery at 0845, was pushed back to 1230. Easy fix, my oldest son would be able to help us.

From the time that I arrived, I was greeted with kindness. The Admissions Representative verified my information and my identity. Chris was given a run down of the patient tracking monitor and it’s miscellaneous color codes to determine where he could find me. The Tech who roomed me was funny. My Nurse was calming. I found that we knew many of the same people and worked in the same places. Although she missed my IV on the first try, I didn’t hold it against her – things happen, what can I say? It was interesting to be on the “other” side of the gurney – to be the patient rather than the nurse. The anesthesiologist made a brief appearance – I’ve worked with him before and his demeanor put me at ease immediately. He reminded me that all would be well. Lastly, my surgeon waltzed in to have a few last minute words with me. We discussed repairing my meniscus and making sure that should my ACL need repair as well, that he would repair it versus bringing me in for another surgery. After that, it was a matter of meeting the nurse who would wheel me into surgery, and the rest is pretty much history. I seriously don’t remember much after that. Actually, I don’t remember anything at all because they loaded me up with some Versed and I was a gonner! I’m pretty much a light weight when it comes to benzos and narcotics – doesn’t take much to put me out.

My husband says that he barely had enough time to grab a coffee when they were paging him to let him know that my surgery was completed and that I was in recovery. 20 minutes he said. 20 minutes. All that, repaired in 20 minutes. BooYah!

So here I am … 2 weeks post op … My husband pretty much kept me loaded around the clock on my pain meds for the first two days. His reasoning was that I’d move around more if I were pain free. I used crutches for the first 2 days, but really I was good to go afterwards and just progressed from a limp to now a slight limp. I had my first workout a couple days ago when I decided that enough was enough and and I had my Noah bring my spin bike in … my goal was 30 minutes. I made it to 27 minutes when my knee started to pop slightly right around that time, and, although I really wanted to finish out the 30 mins, I thought better of it and stopped where I was. Add in some sit-ups, then some 3 x 30 sec and 1 x 60 sec plank holds, and 20 minutes of hula hoops and I was pretty happy that I’m making my way back.

As hard as it is to start over, to start from the beginning and build up … I’ll say this … at least I CAN start over. At least I have this opportunity to start over. At least I CAN begin again, and build myself into a STRONGER machine. I would NOT wish an injury on anyone. This experience of being injured and sidelined has really taught me that I would not be a good invalid. I as not my best at all while injured – my behavior was shameful and dramatic to a point. I am much too active and love working out too much to have been down for just the short amount of time that I was out. I found out a lot about myself that I really didn’t like, things not worth remembering much less repeating. I was too anxious and too depressed. So unlike me.

I’m really looking forward to getting back into FULL OUT Beast Mode training, and running. I returned to work yesterday, and I get the stitches taken out on Friday. I have an appointment to see my Physical Therapist next week. I’m really looking forward to seeing Todd because I know that although I’m my knee is healing up well, it’s inside my head that I have the most issues. I’m afraid of re-injuring myself, and I know that I’ll baby it and possibly hinder my recovery because I’ll be afraid. Going to Physical Therapy and seeing Todd will help me “get out of my head” and help me heal mentally which is what I really, really need.

Get ready for more exciting posts as I crawl out of the abyss and I train code 3 beast mode … Train HARD. Train SMART. Eat WELL. And most of all have FUN!!!

Dark

2 June, 2013R. Wallen, R.N.Leave a comment

Darkness

Allowing one to hide in the shadows

Black

Moonlight

Monsters, Werewolves, Bats

Where Evil lurks beside me, inside me

When one should sleep but cannot . . .

Tired eyes wide open, searching unable to find what one is looking for

Thoughts run amuck and freely

Reaching but not touching

Screaming silently within or is it silent

False awakening back into reality

Only to find that one is still in the abyss of one’s darkness

Thoughts Before I Go Under

22 May, 201322 May, 2013R. Wallen, R.N.Leave a comment

Later today is “D” day … The day I’ve been waiting for for just about two months now. Well, I haven’t actually been waiting for it for two months, but let’s just say that I’ve been waiting for this day to be fixed, done, over with for a LONG time.

Almost two months ago, I injured myself during the CrossFit Games 13.4 Open WOD. It was a freak mis-step that caused my knee to snap and buckle and take me out just like that … ONE teeny mis-step.

In these last few weeks being out and sidelined from doing what I love most – running, working out, kickboxing, crossfitting, etc. – I’ve been battling a lot of inner demons that at times got the best of me, and brought out an UGLY side that I didn’t like or enjoy. Today I start to come back and kick those demons in the teeth for the turmoil they have caused me! I’m done. I’m done being bitter. I’m done moaning and complaining. I’m just done because I know that what’s done is done, and I do ultimately believe that everything happens for a reason. No accidents.

12 hours from now I’ll have been rolled into surgery and starting my recovery both physically and mentally. As much as I’ve come to love Blue, my beloved hinged knee brace, I love being physical more, and I need to put her away to begin my healing.

Thank you to my friends and family who have put up with an impossible side of me that I never knew existed – not like this anyway. I’ve never taken my health for granted. I’m thankful that I am healthy and strong. It’s time to get healthier and rebuild myself … I’m coming back – better, stronger, faster, wiser …

Catch you on the other side in a couple days …

Wasted Space

18 May, 20136 February, 2016R. Wallen, R.N.Leave a comment

I wish I were stronger. I wish my head was screwed on straighter and tighter. But the truth is is that I’m weak and I wish that I could just rip my head off my neck.

I’m so NOT myself. I haven’t felt like this in a long time. Right this second … right this very second, I can tell you that I. Don’t. Care. That I actually don’t give a flying fuck and I am just done.

There. It’s out. I don’t care and I just want to crawl in a fucking hole and stay there.

This isn’t anything new. I have a history of suicidal ideation. My very first suicidal attempt was when I was 8 years old. I’ve wanted to die since before that.

I’m not a fan of living. I try hard to fake it, but honestly, I could really care less if I’m alive or dead. Ironic for a nurse, isn’t it? I earn my living caring for and saving others, when I can barely keep my own self alive.

Yes … I know. I know. How dare I? How dare I write these words when there are others who are dying and truly want to live? How dare I!

I NEVER asked to be born. I’ve known this since I was a small child. Here’s more irony … I was always told that I was not meant to be and if it were not a crime, then I would’ve been killed. True story.

I don’t feel my worth. I know that I have a good life. I know that I am blessed. I know all this. I’m not stupid, I just don’t want to be here. I don’t feel like I’m supposed to be here.

I am just an individual taking up space. I am wasting space. I’m just here, on Earth, waiting to leave it. I have no direction, nor do I feel as if I have a purpose. I have NO clue what my lot in life is. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m just here; floundering like a fish out of water; wasting time and space. I wish I didn’t feel like that, but I do.

Money doesn’t buy happiness. I know this because I’ve tried. I’ve spent a lot of money buying shit that I don’t really need or want over the years. I keep thinking that I can just keep buying stuff to fill whatever void it is I’m trying to fill. In the last week it was 6 pairs of shorts, a new ring to replace the one I lost, new purse, a new wallet when the one I have is perfectly fine, tank tops, iPad, books … I have money and things and I’m not happy.

On the outside, I look like a perfectly “normal” human being, but what’s “normal?” Most days I wake up and just go thru the motions … faking it, pretending to be this living, breathing, happy human being, when deep down inside, I’m not. I’m a miserable, depressed, and unhappy person. I don’t get it.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m severely depressed – I have been since I was a little kid. But yet, here I am … still alive, but not alive. I am walking dead. I am just a shell.

People would be quick to point out that I have this “ideal” life … Great husband, great kids … what about them, right? Yes, they’re right to point that out. I love my husband and my kids, but is that enough? It’s enough for me to NOT do anything stupid, how’s that?

I’ve cared for a lot of people who have attempted suicides in my line of work. I’ve also cared for a lot of people who have attempted and FAILED at their suicides. If I really, really wanted to … I would know exactly how to do it and succeed. But it’s just not worth it to cause my family undue pain like that. So it’s up to me to figure it out and just keep on trying to find my place in this madness, and to stifle the voices in my head.

I’ve made it this far … How far can I go? It’s so painful. It is so painful. I believe that this is why I can handle and why I crave physical pain because the pain of living is far worse than any physical pain. I need this pain to sustain me. It’s what keeps me going. It’s the only thing that has kept me going all these years, and I’ve been without it these last two months … I have had no outlet, and I have had no pain. I’m just done and I don’t know if it will ever make any sense. I’m having surgery on Wednesday and I’m seriously contemplating asking my surgeon to do my surgery WITHOUT anesthesia. Yeah … I know.

I just don’t know how much longer I can do this. I feel as if I’m suffocating. I feel like I’m drowning. I just can’t … It’s been so long. It’s been so long and I’m tired. I. am. tired. And I just want to let go … and fall …

Listen, I know that this all sounds dramatic. I know that it’s my ego, my frustration, my sadness, my anger all talking at once. I’ve been out of commission for TWO months now and I don’t have an outlet. I don’t know what to do with myself. I keep trying and trying to hang on and be positive. Here’s the thing, I know that I sound irrational. I’m reading this and thinking that I sound ridiculous, but my head is another story. I feel as if I’m not really going to 100% get my thoughts back together and recover psychologically. It sucks – SUCKS – being injured, being sidelined. It’s so devastating to me because I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to be still. Even though I know that others have had the same injury as I have and have recovered, I still feel alone. I still feel as if I’m not going to recover completely. I also feel as if although I may recover and go on to workout again that somehow I may reinjure myself. I feel as if I’m falling behind those who are still working out. I feel as if I’m not going to catch up to them, that I’ll be lifting less and not running as fast. I’m anxious that I’ve been still for so long. I feel as if so much of my identity surrounds working out, running, and crossfit that I’m not sure I know who I am. I feel as if I’m truly suffocating. And I’m depressed … severely depressed. So that’s where I’m at … I know it’s dramatic and I really don’t care because I can’t lie. I can only express the feelings that I have and that I know. That’s where I am … and I’m about ready to let go … But I know … I know that life will go on and that I’ll recover and this will only be a sliver of a thought in my memory … I know that one day it will all make sense …

Perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim.

Stronger Than You Believe

15 May, 201315 May, 2013R. Wallen, R.N.Leave a comment

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.” Henry Ford said that and it came to mind today because something happened that stirred up a lot of emotions within me.

I work in a volatile environment. The Emergency Room is an environment where a lot of emotions can get heated, and the atmosphere can change in the blink of an eye. Hospitals were once considered a place of safe haven, but in reality, they not really a “happy” place to be for most people. People usually only end up there because they’re sick or because they were injured … sometimes severely. So you never really know what can happen.

It is because of this that I, as well as other Health Care workers who work in volatile environments, are required by JCAHO (Joint Comission on Accreditation of Healthcare Organization) to be able to prevent violence in the health care setting. So … the solution is to mandate their employees to attend training to be able to diffuse violent situations, or to protect themselves should we/they become a victim.

I was in a class today, my second one in two weeks, but for a different place of employment (I work in two different hospitals). It’s funny how in my first class, when the instructor asked, “What would you do, if you were in a situation with a violent individual?” and the majority of the individuals, those that knew me, all jokingly (??) responded, “I’d go get Row.!” Really? And then again today, I was in a class where I knew only a few people, yet someone who only knows of me remarked something similar, that they had been forewarned about my “skills.” Wow.

It was during my class today that I had an epiphany of sorts … something happened that reinforced my belief in myself. I was in a class with a nurse who was afraid. She was afraid of what would happen if a situation (violent, irate patient) were to really spiral out of control; afraid to let herself get into a situation where she would have to protect herself or her staff. I felt her apprehension. I felt her fear emanating from her. Our classroom setting was FAR from real, but her fear was palpable and I didn’t like it. So, while in the middle of her voicing her over-reactions, I told her not to worry, to just run, to get herself out of that situation. I’m not sure that she liked my comment, I could see it in face, but I went on, telling her that she was making the situation worse by being so fearful and letting on that she was scared. I told her that it was okay if she was afraid, that it was okay to call for help, but she had to leave the situation. My comment was not intended to come out mean, or condescending, but I wanted her to know that she had to leave the situation because if I could feel the fear from her in a non-threatening classroom situation, imagine how heightened her fear would be in a real life situation.

The thing is, is that although I’m small, I refuse – REFUSE – to be a victim. I’m small, however, I am so much stronger than I let on. I am not a fan of women who play small and meek. Stand up. If I’m ever in a situation where someone is trying to take me down and wants to hurt or kill me or someone that I love, you better believe that I’m going to fight. I’m going to do whatever it takes – WHATEVER THE F#@K IT TAKES – to get up.

So … I train. I train because I am afraid. I train because I don’t want to be afraid. I train to get rid of stress, anger, anxiety, to look good, to escape, to live longer, to be stronger … I train because I don’t want to look like a victim. I don’t want to be that small, meek woman who’s a easy target. I want someone to look at me and think, “Let’s go mess with someone else.”

During my training, it was amazing and empowering for me to hear things like, “You’re strong.” “Don’t mess with Row.” “Watch how she changes when she gets into fight stance.” or “I was warned about you. Mike Miller (one of my training partners and instructors) told me about you.”

During my training, I was used as an “example” during the hands-on portion of the class. My reaction times are quick and I’m not afraid to be placed in situations. It’s during this time, when I enter into “fight stance” that my demeanor changes and I become someone or something else. The more you practice and train, the more comfortable you become. With that being said, if you are not comfortable, it’s okay to be afraid and to get yourself out of that situation. It’s okay to call for help. I would do the same if I knew that I could not control the situation. I’d still call out for help just because I know that there is power and safety in numbers when in a dangerous situation. The goal, my goal, is NOT to look like a badass. My goal is to get out alive, safely. My goal is to go home to my family in ONE piece.

I don’t believe that it serves any woman, or anyone for that matter, to play small. I know so many women who don’t own their power. OWN IT. You are so much STRONGER than you believe yourself to be. Never believe that you can’t or that you’re not able to do something … When that thought first creeps into your mind, you’re DONE and you don’t ever want to be DONE in that situation.

**Note: The classes that I took for my jobs were both for NON-VIOLENT techniques to diffuse a situation. I would NEVER jeopardize myself, my license, or any patient in the workplace setting. I would protect myself, yes, but seriously, my jobs don’t care about my self-defense or fighting skills. They want more to make sure that everyone is safe, and I understand that. The goal is to go home in one piece, remember?

Knee Brace Chronicles

14 May, 201314 May, 2013R. Wallen, R.N.1 Comment

They say that what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. I sometimes wish that it would just kill me … strike me down … kill me dead … I know, I’m sorry. Reverse. Rewind … I know that my life IS good. I lead a really good life. I am blessed beyond belief with a great husband, four kiddos that are healthy and wonderful, I have a great career, and I am healthy sans my left knee. I have no right to complain when I know that so many would want to walk in my shoes, and live the life that I live. What’s talking right now is my complete exhaustion, frustration, and emotions. What’s talking LOUDEST is my ego. I just seriously miss my workouts because it is something that I constantly crave. Trust me, I count my blessings everyday and thank God for EVERY little thing.

It is something that I constantly crave and I seriously am in withdrawals!

It’s been over a month, almost a month and a half since I injured myself and I still ask, “WHY?” Why? Why me? What did I do to deserve this? What lesson is it that I am supposed to learn in all of this? Why? I don’t understand. Maybe I’m not supposed to understand. Maybe I’m supposed to feel more empathy towards those who are seriously injured. Maybe I’ve been too callous in my thoughts of others, or maybe I got greedy in my desperation to keep up with the younger girls, and in my desperation to improve because my mind is constantly comparing myself to others and needs to STOP. Maybe I’m supposed to really rest. Maybe … I hate to admit this, but maybe I’m really just afraid. I don’t know. All I know is that I am NOT myself. I don’t even recognize myself. I barely even want to crawl out of bed to do anything because I’ve been so depressed. I don’t openly admit that to anyone, but yea, there it is … I’m severely depressed. All I really want to do is lay there and do absolutely nothing. I’m really good at hiding my feelings. For one, I don’t openly share much about me. I don’t really believe that people are genuinely that interested in me either. I just do my thing, mind my own business, stay in my own bubble. But yet … WHY?

No other way around it ... When in doubt dig deep and barrel through it! — No other way around it … When in doubt dig deep and barrel through it!

I watch others who have the capability to workout and have the potential to do great things, but yet they just sit there – happier to enjoy the comforts of food and the softness of their bodies. I take care of those whose bodies have given up from years and years of it’s owner’s abuse, misuse, and disuse. I take care of those who have basically let their bodies rust out – too many years of eating the wrong foods, watching a little too much television, providing it with little or no sun, hydrating it with the wrong kind of fluids, and definitely not providing it enough activity. It saddens me that people don’t care enough about themselves to take care of themselves, however, when they’re really sick *then* it’s an emergency and want to be saved. Seriously? NOW it’s an emergency? It should have never gotten to the point where your heart is now failing, your lungs can’t provide you with enough oxygen, where your trunk can’t hold you up and your frame is falling apart. I have never in my entire life wanted to be one of *those* individuals. I’ve always been active, athletic, and strong. True, I could eat better, but for the most part my diet’s not the worst. Fitness has always been my passion from a very young age.

So I ask myself again, “Why? Why me?” What did I do to deserve this? I’m sure that I can ask until I’m blue in the face and still never be able to completely figure it out, or ever get a straight answer. I did everything right except for ONE wrong foot plant … ONE. I’m so angry. I’m so, so angry. It’s my own fault. I can’t blame anyone else except for me. I’m sure there’s a lesson here, but WHAT? What is this lesson? Patience? Tolerance? Empathy? I know that there’s a reason, but I’m so caught up in my own little pity party that I can’t see straight at this moment because my ego keeps talking and won’t STFU! And the more I think about things, I think that, yes, I know that surgery WILL fix my knee, but what about my mind? There is NO surgery to fix one’s thoughts …

SNAP OUT OF IT, ROW.! My ego needs to just Shut The F#@K Up already! (insert *hard bitchslap*)

Here’s a different perspective … I AM thankful. I am thankful for my Physical Therapist, Todd, who got the ball rolling for me – he was wise enough to know that I needed serious help and that I needed it STAT! It’s because of Todd that I was able to get into see my Primary Doctor, get an order for a STAT knee xray, and get a STAT orthopedics referral. Without Todd, I would have waited … I would’ve waited and just asked one of my ER Docs to take a look at my knee one night at work.

I am thankful for my health insurance. I am a very blessed individual to have free coverage for myself and my family. Not only that, my family and I are also covered by my husband’s health insurance. Double coverage … BONUS! I am thankful that my co-pays are $5.00. I have witnessed a lot of individuals whose co-pays are $50, $70, $100, and even $200 or more. I feel bad for people who come to the ER for very “minor” complaints and end up having to pay these outrageous co-pays. Um … that’s what a clinic is for, what going to your Primary Doctor is for. I’m really sorry that your co-pay is $200 and you got a 15 minute visit with my ER Doc for your complaint of ear pain. I can not complain about my health insurance coverage.

I am thankful that I am still able to walk and even work. I know that some individuals have injures that are far more severe than mine. I also know that there are some whose injures are not as severe as mine but have taken them out completely. I sometimes wonder about that – if they fake more pain than they actually have so that they can have more time off work? Here’s my thinking about that … eventually all that faking will catch up to you and the pain will become real, and the injury will become as severe and as painful as you make it out to be. It’s why I can’t ever lie about being sick or about being injured. For one, I would not know how to fake being in “that” much pain. I’m one of those people who believe that if you lie when you call in sick, that you WILL end up sick. It’s just not worth it. I can work, I can walk, there’s no need to lie and pretend.

I am thankful that I have no pain. I am slightly weirded out when my knee catches and buckles – that is NOT a very nice feeling.

I am thankful for my hinged knee brace, Blue. Yes, I named my knee brace, what of it? Without Blue, my knee would constantly buckle and I really would not be able to walk. I wear that thing at least 22 hours a day.

I am thankful for the “forced rest” because I really needed to just stop and rest my shoulder. People forget that I have a shoulder injury also. It’s why I haven’t been able to do upper body exercises as people have suggested. Yep.

I am thankful for my friends who have had knee injuries an knee surgeries who have taken the time to talk to me about their experiences. They have listened to me, let me cry on their shoulders, let me ask numerous questions, and never let me feel as if I were alone in this whole ordeal.

I am thankful for my Orthopedic Doc/Surgeon, Dr. Wilkins. He made me feel at ease, and assured me that he would take care of me and that I would be okay.

So … see … in the darkness of all this craziness, I have discovered some good things. But I just let my feelings, fears, and my ego get in the way.

Henry Rollins said, “There is no better way to fight weakness than with strength.” I have to remind myself that I am so much stronger than what I believe myself to be. I am afraid, but I am going to do WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET THE F#@K UP! This will NOT kill me. This will NOT keep me down. I am going to unf#@k my mind and I am going to slay this dragon because I know and believe that I can! I am stronger than this challenge, and this challenge is making me even STRONGER! Believe that!

My surgery is coming up … One week. One week! Let’s do this. Let’s get it done so I can move forward and get back out there! I’m ready! I am sooooo ready!

“If you are paralyzed with fear, it’s a good sign. It shows you what you have to do.” ~Steve Pressfield

Catharsis – The Implosion

6 May, 20138 May, 2013R. Wallen, R.N.2 Comments

And so the saga of my knee continues into April … We pick up where we left off in March. March ended on such a bad note that I’m looking for a glimmer of hope in April.

Protesting by not sitting in the exam chair. 5 days post injury.

On Tuesday, April 2nd, I finally get in to see the Ortho doc and he has the same look on his face as he inspects my knee. Then he’s talking about surgery! What the hell? April’s not looking too great … I say, “Look, you don’t even know what’s wrong with it, you can’t talk to me about surgery yet.” He gives me a sympathetic look as if to say, “I do know.” He talks about sending me for an MRI and how he’ll call me with the results as soon as they results come in. So … a week to get into see the Ortho doc, now another week until the MRI. Wow! Time. Time. Thank God it wasn’t anything “serious,” right? It’s just MY knee. MY KNEE and that’s serious to ME!!! Fuckdamnit!

In the meantime, I sell my bib for the Elk Grove, Running Of the Elk Half Marathon. I was looking forward to running that race, and seeing my beautiful friend, Shiloh. It was a such a nice run last year. (Sigh.)

I get the MRI done the following Wednesday. It wasn’t an unpleasant experience, but then again, I had worked the night before so I really slept thru the entire procedure. The Ortho doc calls me the following day but I wasn’t able to answer my phone so he left me a message telling me that the MRI showed a meniscus tear AND and ACL tear! Wow! I wasn’t expecting that at all. Not at all.

This wasn’t supposed to happen to ME. I’m healthy and I’m strong. This Wasn’t Supposed To Happen To ME! Here’s the thing, working out, running, exercising … I’ts such a HUGE part of me and who I am that it’s like breathing … It’s automatic and I just do it. And to have had it taken away just like that … well, it’s like suffocating. It’s as if I can not breathe! It’s as if I am dying. All the while, I’m seething. I’m mad at myself for whatever it is that I did to cause this. I’m mad at God for allowing this to happen to ME. I’m mad because I have to have surgery to repair this. I’m mad because there is no other way to fix it. If I leave it alone, it may take years for it to heal or not ever heal correctly. If I get it fixed, it may not be the same either. I’m worried. I’m upset. I’m sad. I’m all discombobulated. While I wait, I’m not allowed to do anything, more specifically, I can’t do anything because the range of motion in my left knee is so limited and because it’s so unstable. Trust me, I tried. I tried and all it did was get out of joint and cause my lower leg to collapse underneath me. I do have exercises that my Physical Therapist has me doing to keep the muscles in my quad and around my knee strong, but it’s really not the same. I haven’t had a good sweat in three weeks.

Other things are happening all around me also – the biggest things being that my mother-in-law is very ill, and my daughter still has further testing to endure to determine the cause of her seizures. So in actuality, my knee is the very least serious of all the problems happening in my world. So I cannot and will not cry or moan or complain, because I know that my knee injury could be so much worse. As it is now, aside from it’s instability, I have absolutely NO pain. I do have pain occasionally when it gets out of alignment, but I’m pretty good about keeping it in the brace and I’ve found a way to compress it so it’s actually stable for the majority of the time.

My Orthopedic Surgery consult happens in a couple days. I’ve got a ton of questions running thru my head that I need to get down on paper. My playing research detective on the web isn’t doing me any justice, neither is talking to others. What I’ve learned is that the majority of people that I’ve spoken to that have had any kind of knee surgery have had positive experiences and good results and have healed well. Everyone’s knees are different, everyone’s musculature is different, every injury is different. No one is the same. So what’s happening here is that I’m psyching myself out and causing unnecessary anxiety. It’s causing me to over-think and plan for things that I really can’t plan because I don’t know what will happen.

I know that my injury is not life threatening, but it’s still an injury and it still matters to me. I know that I cannot burden others with my miscellaneous whinings about how upset I am when there are others out there suffering. I met a fellow gym rat yesterday who herniated C4 and C5 and has to see a neurosurgeon. There are so many with problems much more serious, so my thinking is what right do I have to say anything? But it matters to ME. It doesn’t make it any less serious because of the fact that it’s not life threatening. Pretending is exhausting, but the truth is, I haven’t been sleeping. I’m actually NOT sleeping. I’m not tired enough at the end of the day to go to sleep, and when I finally do fall asleep, it’s already time to get up. I’m tired of pretending that it’s all okay when in reality it’s NOT. The truth is, is that I’m just as scared as if it were life threatening because being active is all that I know. My lack of activity has affected me greatly. I no longer have an outlet to work out my daily frustrations and excess energy. I miss sweating and working out so hard that I get to the point where I want to puke. I feel defeated. I feel lost. I feel as if I seriously want to just lay down and die. Overdramatic much? I know, but it’s how I feel so you don’t get to discount my feelings because I seem overdramatic to you. You do not live in my body. You do not know what or how I feel. You do not perceive things as I do. I work hard to only put up a positive front and not say a negative word about this whole thing. I go to work, and I get by everyday without complaint. So if I want to be overdramatic on my blog if I choose to, then I will. I am allowed to grieve. It is in the grieving that I can leg go and regroup.

I was hopeful that April would bring some showers to wash away the yuck that March brought. Rain is usually symbolic for the washing away of, or cleansing of our problems and troubles. There’s still time, April is not quite over yet. I’m still hopeful. My little blog was helpful in my catharsis and the letting go and letting me let go of the things that I cannot control

4 more days until my Ortho surgery consult. Four more days … Until then, I will remind myself of this …

What's done is done. Time to just Suck It Up and move forward. — What’s done is done. Time to just Suck It Up and move forward.

To be continued …

*** Update *** I had my Ortho Surgery consult last Friday and it wasn’t as bad as the MRI made it out to seem. I mean, it’s still bad ’cause I’m injured, but the Ortho Surgeon was able to ease my anxiety a little. Next up … Surgery. Gonna schedule it soon. Can you hear that? It’s me breathing a sigh of relief and the weight being lifted off my shoulders. Once again … To Be Continued …

March Madness … Row. Row. Style

22 April, 2013R. Wallen, R.N.Leave a comment

March. March. March. When did you sneak up on me? Seems like just yesterday it was 2012 and I was wondering where the year had gone, looking forward to the new year, and penning out my 2013 intentions. Now here we are with the first quarter of the year gone by and I’m still wondering where the hell is time going?

When they say that March roars in like a lion they weren’t lying! If we were hoping for a slight reprieve from our insane month of February, March wasn’t going to let up at all. Two more birthdays – for my middle boys who are way into their teenage years now. As nice as it is to celebrate their special days, it’s somewhat bittersweet at the same time knowing that they’re both getting older, bigger, stronger, and that much closer to going away to college. I love my boys!

March 6th also denoted the beginning of the CrossFit Games Open! I signed myself up to participate because I knew that wherever I was to workout, we’d be doing all of the Open WODs (workout of the day) anyway, and because I really wanted to see how and where I ranked fitness-wise amongst other women my age who were also participating. I needed a challenge and thought that this would be perfect!

Here’s how the Open Workouts goes … For 5 weeks, every new workout is posted on Wednesday. No one except for those at CrossFit Headquarters knows what the workouts consist of, so it’s a surprise to everyone as we all learn about it at the same exact time, no sooner. The Open Workouts are open for everyone to participate in, but only those who register for a $20 fee can post their scores on the Leader Board and see how they rank in their age group Regionally and World Wide.

3/6 Open Workout 13.1 – Burpees and Statch Ladder. 40 burpees, 30 snatches at 45#; 30 burpees, 30 snatches at 75#; 20 burpees, 30 snatches at 100#; 10 burpees, 30 snatches at 120#. The weight for the snatches are the women’s weight, for the men, it was 75#, 135#, 165#, and 210#. Your total score equals the number of reps that you complete in the alloted time of 17 minutes. My score = 132 (40, 30, 30, 30, +2).

3/13 Open Workout 13.2 – An AMRAP (as many reps/rounds as possible) in the alloted time of 10 minutes: 55# Shoulder to Overhead x 5 reps, 55# Deadlift x 10 reps, then 15 box jumps onto a 20″ box. I did this workout twice. The first time I totaled up a score of 208, the second time around I bettered my scored by 15 taking it up to 223. This workout was taxing for me.

In the meantime … Sacramento’s annual ShamRock’n Half was scheduled on 3/17. I headed up to Sac with my friend, Anitra, and we ran thru the streets of Sacramento. The course was different this year again. It was better, nicer, as we ran on all the bridges! I enjoyed the run. I had a good time, just running. I caught up to my friend, Claudia at around mile 6 and we ran together to at or around mile 8.5 where I lost her. The run seemed effortless for me, but I wasn’t really pushing it at all, just cruising, lolligagging. 10 minute potty break in the middle really cut into my time! I still desire to hit the sub-2 goal, but this wasn’t the race for it. As much as I love this run and the weather was perfect, there’s still time to catch that goal!

13.3 take one - Wallballin' — 13.3 take one – Wallballin’

13.3 take 2 - with my friend, Sarah. — 13.3 take 2 – with my friend, Sarah.

3/20 Open Workout 13.3 – in 12 minutes, complete as many rounds/reps as possible of: 150 WallBalls 14#, 90 Double Unders, and 30 muscle ups. As much as I hated this workout, I did this one twice also – back to back. The first time taxed me so much that I gassed out by 50 wallballs and wanted so much to die! But I gutted it out and got thru it with a score of 224. I knew I could do better so I went back the next day and bettered my score by 12 taking me up to 236. I wanted so much to finish up all my double unders! Gah! Oh well.

3/27 Open Workout 13.4 … here’s where it gets ugly … Clean and Jerks and Toes To Bar Ladder. 3 clean and jerks x 95#, 3 Toes to Bar, then 6 C & Js, 6 T2Bs, then 9, 12, 15, 18 in 7 minutes, if you are able to hit all 18 in 7 minutes, you can go to 21. If you hit 21, you can go to 24, etc. Okay … I did this workout, but I “failed” at the same time. You see, I could do the clean and jerks at 95#. It’s a little heavy for me, but I tried and I did. I got my 3/3 reps in. I was working on the second round when … “POP!” I went down! It felt as if some thing hit me … HARD to the left side of my knee. I thought that my weight came off and hit me, but it was intact, so I gathered myself up and tried to get up, but my leg would not let me. My trainer, Jeff, came over to me and yelled at me to stay down. I wanted to cry because I didn’t know what was happening. All I knew was that I was seriously injured. I gathered my things, and thankfully had thrown the knee sleeves that my friend, Bill, had given to me in my workout bag. I’m not sure why I did, I just remember that I saw them on the table and I grabbed them. Thank God I did because otherwise I would not have been able to drive home. My leg was that unstable.

I got home that evening, walked to my bedroom, and cried. Yep, I cried. I never cry. I didn’t cry because I hurt, because I was in no pain. I cried because I knew that whatever had just happened was serious and I was down and out of everything for a long time. I knew.

In the morning, I had a Physical Therapy appointment with my PT for my shoulder that was still bugging me. While there, I asked him to just look at my knee and tell me what he thought. He looked and “tested” it out and by the look on his face, I knew I was really in deep doo doo! He didn’t have to say anything, but I could tell. He told me that he wanted me to get in to see Ortho immediately, get an x-ray, etc. I knew it wasn’t broken, and I knew that an x-ray wouldn’t show any soft tissue damage. I was thankful to have gotten in the “earliest” appointment which was on the following Tuesday. Meanwhile, I had to work the entire weekend with this injured knee! Poor knee.

March Madness … literally madness. Just know that I was NOT able to finish out the CrossFit Open. Here’s how it went down though … World Wide in my age group, I finished 1,494 (6,675 overall in women up to age 54). Regionally, that’s Nor Cal, I finished 96 (452 overall in women up to age 54). My goal was top 100, so I did reach this goal even without completing the entire 13.4 WOD, or doing any of the 13.5 WOD. Chris said that I should’ve at least tried to get one rep in for 13.5, but that one rep could’ve just tore my entire knee up so … NO! I’m pretty impressed with myself. I did well for someone who is full of self-doubt and has been plagued with injuries. I can only imagine where I would have finished had I remained injury free. If you want to see my complete stats, you can view them here.

The saga of my knee continues … March Madness has come to an end, and hopefully takes the madness along with it and replaces it with some goodness in the form of April showers. They do say that showers (rain) is a form of cleansing … That’s exactly what I’m looking for.

While my training is at a standstill, I ask that you still continue to Train HARD. Train SMART. Eat WELL. And most of all have FUN!!! Train for those who cannot. Train for me because you know that I want so much to be out there gettin’ it done!

February 2013 Recap

19 February, 201319 February, 2013R. Wallen, R.N.1 Comment

LOVE my Running Friends ... — LOVE my Running Friends …

I know that it’s only mid-February … Why am I recapping now? It’s too soon, right? Well … I can tell you that it feels as if I’ve lived a lifetime in this short amount of time already …

February started off so nicely. The first race that I had scheduled, a Super Bowl inspired run complete with miscellaneous football training obstacles, was cancelled. That was fine, it would have been fun to do that, and I was really looking forward to doing it, but it was not meant to be.

My second race scheduled was the “tiny” Smiles Half Marathon in Galt, California. I chose this race because of the fact that Galt is about 20 miles from my house, and it sounded fun. I love little races. However … I completely forgot about this race. I forgot until the Wednesday prior – two days before – to the race that I was scheduled to run! I wasn’t too worried, but it was amusing that I hadn’t thought about it. I remember a time when I worried about running a race two weeks prior, and now it’s as if my body knows what to do with little or no preparation.

Fast forward to the Friday before race day. I’m finishing up working my 12 hour shift, and checking my timesheet to make sure everything checks out so I get paid properly when I get a phone call from my panic stricken husband telling me that our daughter has passed out and is having a seizure! W.T.F!!! I couldn’t comprehend what he was saying, I could only in my mind, see my baby out cold and having a seizure and not knowing how or why. I could only hear a few words that he said – “Passed out,” “Seizure,” and “911.” As a nurse, these are words that I hear on a daily basis. As an ER Nurse, I am able to dissociate myself from all the craziness happening in the ER and go about my life and business as if it were nothing. As an ER Nurse, I am strong and able to handle things, cope well, and separate myself. But when it’s your own … when it’s your very own child (or family member), I am a different person. I am still a nurse, however, I am a nurse who is on the other side of the gurney and no longer in control. No matter how strong I want to be, no matter how composed I want to keep myself, I function differently when on the other side of the gurney. It’s not a nice feeling being vulnerable, unable to separate, unable to put your guard up. It’s hard to be strong when you know that you have to be for your child because you know that if your child sees you freaking out, your child will not fare well in that situation. I can do it for my child, I did it, and my child did well. My child, my daughter knows that I would not let anything hurt her, that I would fiercely protect her. What my child did not know was that inside I was dying. It was heartbreaking to see my Girl laying on the gurney, hurt and afraid. It hurt me to see my husband so afraid, so panicked, so vulnerable. He’s usually my rock, the strong one, but I know that he doesn’t do well when it’s his children. If you thought I fiercely protected my children, HE is and even fiercer protectant! Know that.

My Girl being strong ... — My Girl being strong …

When I was able to lay eyes on my Girl, she cried when she saw me, but when I saw that she was upset and fighting … I knew she would be okay. Her CT Scan came back negative, so it’s time for outpatient follow ups to rule out other causes. So you can understand now how one can age many years in the span of a few hours … So far, everything’s good. Thank God.

My husband stayed home with the child on Saturday. I wouldn’t have run had he not been home. Did I feel guilty leaving her? Yes and no. Yes because maybe I should’ve stayed home with her, but no because I knew she was okay. So I headed out to Galt with my friend Anitra. The morning was a super COLD 32 degrees! I laughed at Anitra because she said, “I wanted to be like Row., so I dressed in my shorts and tank top.” I had happened to dress in capris and a long sleeve top … I was not dressed in my normal attire of shorts and tank top. Not to worry, we found her a jacket that she could donate/dump so it worked out well.

I was happy to see that Shiloh came from Sacramento, as well as her friend, Chris, and then my friend, Richelle, came all the way from Fresno. There were, of course, my local friends, Angela, Cres, and Lisa. There was Matt, who was running his first half ever. And … I made a new friend while waiting around the finish line, Mimi. I’ve seen Mimi on my friend Alexis’ page, but had never met her in real life. She is a great gal. Fun, and full of energy! =)

The course of the “tiny” half was thru the residential streets of Galt. Lots of houses, lots of cars, but on the plus side, lots of police patrolling the area and they made good use of their cadets! The water stops were manned by the local Boy Scouts. The only problem that I saw was that there were NO portapotties along the course. (Thank God I didn’t have to go!) I believe that there were a few residents of Galt who were not fond of runners and having their streets blocked, but for the most part, everything went fairly smooth. I had a really good run despite no training at all so I can’t complain. Would I run it again? Yes! As I said, I like small, local races. Other bonuses to this race include having Tony, Fleet Feet owner and Race Director, call your name out while coming into the finish chute, and can’t beat FREE race photos!!! =)

So … I know it’s the middle of February, but it seems like a life time. I have no other races scheduled for the rest of the month and I’m okay with that. Let me just take a breather and let the rest of this month go by uneventfully. I’m okay with that. On a positve note, the Girl celebrates another year on Sunday … Happy Birthday, Grace!!! Mom loves you!

Until next time … Hold your loved ones CLOSE and TIGHT. Never take the time that you have with them for granted. Train HARD and Train SMART. Eat WELL. And … Have FUN. Get out there!!!

2013 Racing Schedule

4 February, 20134 February, 2013R. Wallen, R.N.Leave a comment

I am still in awe that November is just about to end, and that 2012 is about to come to a close. I swear that I just started planning and writing in my 2012 planner, and now I’ve already purchased and began to write in my 2013 planner. Yes, that IS correct … I have a paper calendar. I like my paper organization. I like to write things down, it makes things more tangible for me. Sure, I like electronic organization also, but when it comes to goal setting and date planning, I like to be able to write it down and see it. Besides that … I actually like my penmanship. Don’t judge.

I haven’t decided yet just exactly how much racing that I want to do for 2013. I’m not sure if I want to do one race a month, or just run sporadically. So far, I’m thinking one/month works for me right now just because in 2012 we were running ALL OVER the place ALL THE TIME it seemed like. It was fun, but on the other hand it was a lot of work and I have a few kiddos that I have to think about here! Maybe 13 for 2013, I don’t know. We’ll see. I’ll play it by ear and see what happens.

What I’ve learned about myself is that I truly enjoy trail running. I love the feeling of running thru different terrain and up and down hills, so my hope is to do more trail running instead of road races which tends to put a lot of pressure on the joints in my feet.

This is what I have planned out so far …

January – I’m thinking that I’ll do the Brazen Racing Series again for New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. I really found those two races to be challenging and actually a lot of fun. It’s the same course, but we run in opposite directions. Plus, there is the lure of the really cool bling bling! That’s always a nice incentive! Of course I’ll run Stockton’s California 10 the 10K again. That’s a nice COLD 10K run after working all night.

February – I’m registered to run the “tiny” half marathon in Galt, CA. Galt?! I know, right … Galt, Califonia! The race is in memory of “Tiny,” an infant who had a congenital heart defect (CHD) in an effort to raise awareness for U.C. Davis’ Mended Little Hearts Program. I’m looking for races close to home here, people! Also I really liked Brazen Racing’s Bay Breeze Half Marathon last year, so if I can get that Friday off I’d really like to try and run that race again.

March – Of course I’m running Sacramento’s ShamrockN’ Half! That’s a nice fun run that my running bud, Mac, introduced me to. I like that race. The venue is fun! Also in March, I plan to run Stockton’s Shamrock Shuffle 5K. It was the one and only 5K that I have ever raced in my entire running career and I really liked it!

April – I’m contemplating running Ragnar Relay So. Cal with my original group. I’m late getting back to them as to whether or not I’ll run but … I think I want to do it again. As far as individual races I haven’t found any yet.

May – I was lucky to have gotten a discounted entry to a race in Santa Cruz called Surfer’s Path. It looks like a really fun race, and plus it’s at the beach so how could I resist?

June – Nothing yet.

July – Nothing yet. Maaaaaybeee the S.F. Marathon Second Half again. Not sure.

August – Nothing yet. Contemplating Brazen’s Summer Breeze Half Marathon.

September – Ragnar Relay, Napa Valley and the Half Moon Bay International Marathon, of course! Not 100% about doing another Ragnar, but never say never, right?

October – Rock N’ Roll San Jose, Nike Womens Marathon, St. Joseph’s Stockton Half Marathon. This time I really want to run the Tarantula Run! That race sounds like a lot of FUN! Crazy, but fun.

November – Nothing yet.

December – Nothing yet. Maybe the CIM Relay. I really enjoyed that race.

2013 is going to be another GREAT year. There are soooo many race venues that I want to experience. I’m not as crazy as some of my running friends. I’m crazy, yes, but not as obsessed as they are. There are a lot of other things that I desire to do other than solely running so I plan to pick and choose my races wisely this year and I plan and have a lot of FUN!!!

You ready to come along for the ride … errr … the run? If so then let’s train HARD, train SMART, eat WELL, and let’s go have some FUUUNNNN!!!